Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

View Poll Results: How would you rate these songs? (1-10 South Jersey, 11-20 My Own Skin)
1 (Terrible) 0 0%
2 0 0%
3 0 0%
4 0 0%
5 0 0%
6 2 50.00%
7 0 0%
8 2 50.00%
9 0 0%
10 (Awesome!) 0 0%
1 (Terrible) 0 0%
2 0 0%
3 1 25.00%
4 0 0%
5 1 25.00%
6 0 0%
7 1 25.00%
8 0 0%
9 0 0%
10 (Awesome!) 1 25.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-06-2005, 10:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 7
Post South Jersey/ My Own Skin

Feedback greatly appreciated. I mean greatly. Like if you read this I'd reaaaaaaaaaaaallly prefer feedback. Like even just a poll vote. BTW there's a multi-choice on the poll.

Two Songs:
First one is titled "South Jersey", country genre
Second is titled "My Own Skin", love(?) genre

Here they are, let me know what you think!

South Jersey

Way down far where nobody knows
There’s a place of fun where the sun always glows
The waves are big and glassy
The people not too classy
And I'll always find my summer girl and all of my bros

Its summertime up in south jersey
That’s right
The greatest pleasure always finds me
Perfect and tight
Summertime up in south jersey
It’s true
I’m here up in jersey girls but just where are you?

Skating up, sliding down
Biking all around the town
Beaches and stars around at night
Bitches in sand getting in fights
Going to the surf club
Teen nights and teepees subs
Finding peace and living right
2nd verse done, so sit tight!


Its summertime up in south jersey
That’s right
The greatest pleasure always finds me
Perfect and tight
Summertime up in south jersey
It’s true
I’m here up in jersey girls but just where are you?

Playing, surfing, chilling in Maui
Listening, jamming, rocking near Cali
All these sight that I can see
But nothing comes damn near south jersey

Summertime, in south jersey
Where the greatest pleasure always finds me
South jersey skies always bright and blue
I'm here why aren’t you here too?

My Own Skin

I'm flying solo out here
It's cold and I don't no where to go
I'm looking for some light to guide me
A path that just won't show
Looking for the answers
Of what had taken me back
Trying to find out how
Looking for what I did lack

Wondering what I did wrong
I closed up and wouldn’t let you in
So scared of getting too close
I was trying to save my own skin
But I want to be weak and with you
Expose what I have kept within
Truly be just right for you
Don’t care about saving my own skin

Just wanting to hold you
Wanting to hold you tight
But what we hold on to too strongly
Ends up leaving and taking flight
I found if you let things go
Let them go, to be true
They grow and become better
And just might come back to you

Wondering what I did wrong
I closed up and wouldn’t let you in
So scared of getting too close
I was trying to save my own skin
But I want to be weak and with you
Expose what I have kept with in
Truly be just right for you
Don’t care about saving my own skin

I can’t take my mind off of you
I think of you all the time
Nothing could be more important
Than how you make me feel sublime
So I won’t hold back because I’m afraid
Won’t say anything I’ll regret
I’ll just tell you just how I feel
So baby don’t forget

I know now just what I did wrong
Closing up not letting you in
But I don’t care at all now
Don’t care about my own skin
I’m exposing myself to be with you
Just genuine and true
As long as you know how I feel
Because……I love you

Thanks for reading.

-Will

Again, as Amateur as I am, I would greatly appreciate feedback
Skuroccer9 is offline  
Old 08-06-2005, 07:46 PM   #2 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 7
Default

I mean it would really help if you guys commented.
Sorry for the repetetiveness, but 5 views and no comments? Please comment. And on the songs, that is.
Skuroccer9 is offline  
Old 08-07-2005, 10:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
killedmyraindog
 
TheBig3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 9,252
Default

I can't express this enough, Rhyming sucks...alot. And if you're going to rhyme, lets go beyond monosylabic words.

Songs are esentially poetry. I once had a poetry professor tell me that you're are supposed to put a ton of time into your poem till it looks like it just flowed from your mouth. However if it looks like it was effortless because it was, then people aren't impressed. Dr. Suess was only good because he wrote about morals and he made words up. Had no written about what he had for breakfast and used everyday 10 cents words, it would ahve been crap.

Pleas pleas please do not rhyme things like "knows, glows, bros"

Im not being a **** here, this is essentially packaging your song for a 1 week radioplay at best.
TheBig3 is offline  
Old 08-17-2005, 07:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Arizona/Oklahoma
Posts: 4
Default

the first song was alright but im not into the depressed sounding songs
__________________
The Junk Yard
For college-humour-liking, toilet water drinking, oddballs that thrive on sick, bizarre & slightly twisted videos, games & the likes in a virtually unmoderated enviroment for the exchange of links, freakish chat and general tomfoolery of the highest order!
KOking is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.