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Old 08-19-2005, 07:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
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Default schoollife for a chinese

This is mainly about my university life. Maybe someone can help me to make this sounds less Chinese-English. many thanks


We need no campus,
we need only, buildings with bars.
the dawn, for the day dreamers,
and the sunset, for the broken-hearts.

The garden for the love birds,
only to be disturbed,
by insects, all kinds of bugs.
All these living creatures,
they witness,
and outlive,
their romance.

The journey is the reward,
for the losers.
Even the cat suffers.
Why we different?
All I need,
is some decent sleep,
and wake up,
escape.
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Old 08-19-2005, 07:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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eh does sound very proverbial.

but it is very interesting. as a poem this is very good.
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Old 08-22-2005, 08:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yeah, I agree, as poetry it is pretty descent. I don't quite know how it would translate into music though. Seems to have an odd canter...
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Old 08-23-2005, 01:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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haha phoenix, see? the chinese spelt "decent" right and you didn't! :p



i meant it in the good, funny way
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Old 08-23-2005, 06:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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^ Man, I wish my spelling was better. In reality, its quite horrid. I did fantastic in school, but for some reason, my spelling has gone down hill since I graduated. Oh well, I guess its just one of those things. Time to start typing everything in a different program so I can spell check it before I post!
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Old 09-08-2005, 11:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by selluette
This is mainly about my university life. Maybe someone can help me to make this sounds less Chinese-English. many thanks


We need no campus,
we need only, buildings with bars.
the dawn, for the day dreamers,
and the sunset, for the broken-hearts.

The garden for the love birds,
only to be disturbed,
by insects, all kinds of bugs.
All these living creatures,
they witness,
and outlive,
their romance.

The journey is the reward,
for the losers.
Even the cat suffers.
Why we different?
All I need,
is some decent sleep,
and wake up,
escape.

i like this quite a lot. its very unique. most lyrics you hear out there, now, are all the same manufactured garbage regurgitated out with a new beat every few weeks.
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Old 09-29-2005, 03:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I would seggest that you put it into line of four and work from there. and add words where it does not sound right.
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Old 09-30-2005, 10:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi, I liked this poem anyway. As you asked for somebody to make it a bit less chinese-english I've just altered it directly, see what you think of it.

I just got rid of a few unnecessary commas, added one 'are' and changed the last line to one with more typical grammar. The words I added are in capitals so you can see them easily. Hope its of some help.

---

We need no campus,
we need only, buildings with bars.
the dawn, for the day dreamers,
and the sunset, for the broken-hearts.

The garden for the love birds,
only to be disturbed,
by insects, all kinds of bugs.
All these living creatures,
they witness and outlive their romance.

The journey is the reward for the losers.
Even the cat suffers.
Why ARE we different?
All I need,
Is some decent sleep,
TO WAKE UP AND ESCAPE (And wake up escape)
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Old 10-01-2005, 04:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blackTshirt
the chinese spelt "decent" right
why are you refering him/her as a "chinese", its like calling me an english.
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