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paradoxy 03-18-2009 12:04 PM

Nice concept, but how about this...?

Everyone has a phobia.
Everyone is scared.
And many of these little frights
Make us happiness impaired.

For some it can be spiders,
Or heights,or even blood,
That hold them back from doing
All the things they love.

Our phobias are different,
Mine from all from the rest.
But have we ever tried to fight them?
Tried to put them to the test?

Will you keep living hopeless lives,
And be afraid to feel?
Will I keep on hiding from the light,
and things that I know aren't real?

Will we ever stand up to these
Nightmares that we fear?
Or will we keep on being terrified
Watch life pass, and shed a tear?

someonecompletelyrandom 03-18-2009 12:28 PM

Deep and Depressing.

PinkCigarette 03-18-2009 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction (Post 611840)
I like the concept, but it feels like you just wrote a rhyme for children.
Maybe you could work on your delivery?
I dunno, just an idea.

I got that sense, too, but a lot of kids have a lot of fears, many of which they grow out of, so it would make sense.

deep_and_depressing 03-19-2009 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paradoxy (Post 616993)
Nice concept, but how about this...?

Everyone has a phobia.
Everyone is scared.
And many of these little frights
Make us happiness impaired.

For some it can be spiders,
Or heights,or even blood,
That hold them back from doing
All the things they love.

Our phobias are different,
Mine from all from the rest.
But have we ever tried to fight them?
Tried to put them to the test?

Will you keep living hopeless lives,
And be afraid to feel?
Will I keep on hiding from the light,
and things that I know aren't real?

Will we ever stand up to these
Nightmares that we fear?
Or will we keep on being terrified
Watch life pass, and shed a tear?

I really like this one better

paradoxy 03-19-2009 09:25 AM

Thank you, glad you weren't offended my my attempt to interpret your art !!! Keep it up, great imagery!

deep_and_depressing 04-19-2009 10:35 AM

Let the Darkness Overcome
 
I've been editing this song like crazy. It was inspired by a book called "Fear Nothing" by Dean Koontz and my general phobias.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let the Darkness Overcome

Tears fill my eyes as
I work to supress
building feelings of
sadness and stress.
Will myself to the shadows,
let the darkness overcome.
With any luck I won't
live to see tomarrow's sun.
It's time to.

[chorus]
Live in the darkness,
thrive in the night.
Never be ashamed to
hide away from the light.

Let's hide in the shadows
for we aren't welcome here.
When you're one with the night
there's nothing left to fear.
Drink it in, black of ink rushes
through poisoned veins.
And the sun comes out again.

[chorus]
Step up,be strong.
Let the darkness overcome.

Hide from flourescence
and harmful ultraviolet rays.
Welcome shadowed presence
at the end of every day.
Kill the power, throw the switch.
The light burns like a bitch.

[chorus]
Step up, be strong.
Let the darkness overcome.

Safe in the dark from
unwanted illumination.
Hidden from the heart of
angry words and accusations.

[chorus]
Step up, be strong.
Let the darkness overcome.

deep_and_depressing 04-19-2009 10:46 AM

Running Away
 
For once, this isn't a song. Just a poem that is both metaphorical & litteral.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Running Away

We run on a silent wooden path,
side-by-side.

Our tired feet beat down tired dirt,
in perfect stride.

Kicking up little clouds of dust.

Left,left.
Right,right.

Perfectly timed,
speeding off into the night.

Inhale,inhale.
Exhale,exhale.

This wasn't choreographed,
or rehearsed. We just happened
to put the same foot first.

I get lost in the beat to
this music we're creating.

Our feet and over-exerting
hearts and lungs, become the
sounds of percussion and drums.

The city is nearing,
you quicken your pace.

But I'm much too tired
to follow you and run away.

I try to run faster, to catch up to you.
But there's too much dust for me to even see through.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know-it sucks. I'm sorry wasted all your precious time.

tymygy 04-19-2009 02:31 PM

I dont really get it :/

kinda dull?

darkcornerinthecloset 04-19-2009 06:47 PM

hmm. and why? condense your stanzas just a tad. and maybe add a bit more life into the action going on. . .theres a billion poems that compare running to struggles. . .do something to make it unique.

Alfred 04-19-2009 06:50 PM

^Yeah, advice from one who knows.


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