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Old 01-13-2010, 08:41 PM   #81 (permalink)
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love isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa battlefieeeeeeeeeeeld
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:11 PM   #82 (permalink)
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love isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa battlefieeeeeeeeeeeld
...but on the otherhand we are strong heartache to heartache.
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:25 PM   #83 (permalink)
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Love was invented by men like me to sell nylons.
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:47 AM   #84 (permalink)
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I take this as you don't believe that you can be in love with someone for a longer period of time. I guess I've always looked at the contrast between in love and love in an elementary manner. I related being in love with someone as something romantic and just plain loving someone as platonic or family-related. So, then, if romantic partners transition from being in love to just loving, is there a possibility of falling out of love?
In my experience, 333, the feeling of being "in love" with someone fades once I really know the person and the feeling of family love grows stronger. Once I know most of the person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences very well, the rush of feeling in love (of breaking down psychological barriers that make people strangers initially) diminishes. This isn't a bad thing, because it is part of being close friends.

If people never move beyond being "in love" and aren't prepared for the ho-hum feeling of long-term relationship love, then they may get disenchanted and start expecting (and looking for) the thrill of "falling in love" again. The way to inspire a little of the "in love" feeling again in a long-term relationship is to do new activities together...set up the situation so you have a chance to learn and appreciate something new about each other again.

About your feeling of love being a mystery...I don't feel it is a mystery. Take any two people, throw them together for a while, assume they are pretty decent to each other, and unless they plan to kill each other they will probably end up feeling love. Biological benefit: cohabitating humans who get along, forage together, share food, pay electricty bills, and protect their common territory have better chances of surviving to pass on the ability to "love" others to offspring.

Exactly *whom* (among all the strangers in the world) one "falls in love" with is more mysterious, I feel! I've been in quite a few relationships, but only two started with a feeling of being "in love." Looking back, I think what triggered the "in love" feeling that eventually developed was that I thought those people were especially physically attractive...I admired them *a lot* physically as well as personality-wise. Feeling "in love" with someone isn't a prerequisite for forming a loving, long-term relationship...although the feeling of "being in love" is nice to have, when it happens!

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If it's one thing I've learned is that love, much like intelligence, simply cannot be defined. Nothing in life will ever baffle me more than the most fucked up permutation of those four letters of the English language.
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A four letter word has 24 permutations.
Hmmm...now which of the 24 seems most bizarre:
love, loev, lvoe, lveo, levo, leov, olve, olev, ovle, ovel, oevl, oelv, vole, voel, vloe, vleo, velo, veol, eovl, eolv, evol, evlo, elvo, elov.

My vote for the most fucked-up permutation of those four letters of the English language is "evol."
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If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:50 AM   #85 (permalink)
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My vote for the most fucked-up permutation of those four letters of the English language is "evol."
Maybe the reverse of it is what you were going for?
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Old 01-14-2010, 02:06 AM   #86 (permalink)
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I like "vole".



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Old 01-14-2010, 07:22 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Love was invented by men like me to sell nylons.
It's the new religion.
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Old 01-15-2010, 02:28 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Yes, I've been in love before. Yes, I "got over" being "in love" with some of those people. However, there have been people I was "in love" with whom I also loved...and I did not "get over" those people. The feeling of love lingers.

I see a distinction between feeling "in love" vs. "loving" someone. Being "in love" focuses on how you yourself feel about another person: excited, admiring, etc. etc. Being "in love" is not a bad thing...it is the first rush of breaking psychological barriers that exist between you and someone you admire.

In contrast, when you love a romantic partner, I feel this means you shift the focus of your attention so that you are approximately equally interested in helping the person you love have a satisfying, meaningful life as you are in seeking happiness for yourself. I definitely believe love is a physiological/psychological reality. The feeling of "love" for a romantic partner, to me, is the same as the feeling of "family love"...like love for a parent.

People, especially those new to love, are often in love with the feeling of being in love, rather than primarily loving another person and loving themselves at the same time. My observation is that romantic partners start out "in love" and then, if they work at it, transition to just plain "love."

One of the positive experiences I've had regarding love is when, even after a break-up, years later you remain platonic friends with the person. You realize that underneath the more turbulent romantic aspects of the relationship, you actually were and are friends...and that lasts.

I feel Paloma gives a very good description of what it feels like to feel loved by a significant other:



jayfin3, you then wrote:



I feel you *can* have one-sided love...but unless it is requited in some form then it is obsession, like Paloma wrote. Sometimes one person loves another more intensely than that other loves her or him. Sometimes one person feels romantic love and the other platonic love. If you ever find yourself doing something that might hurt the one you feel you love, then you are probably acting out of obsession: stalking is an example.



littleknowitall, I'm sorry your former significant other treated you so horrendously. I feel your experience shows one reason people can be afraid of loving, because it means you can get hurt emotionally, since to love someone does involve forgiving and trying to work out a solution to problems or find a compromise. In your case, the effort was one-sided. I think the important point never to overlook is that you have to know for yourself what your boundaries are....at what point will you no longer tolerate ill effects on yourself when in a relationship. You wrote about concerns about future relationships. If it helps, I've found that different people are really extremely different. Each relationship feels unique. Your bad experience with your ex does not mean every future partner will be like that.

The test I used to give myself, when thinking about whether a relationship was working, was this one: "Am a lonelier in the relationship than I would be if I were alone, by myself, not in the relationship?" When I realized that I felt lonelier by being with a person than I would be if I were alone, then I knew it was time to rethink the relationship.

One relationship rule I developed was this one: never seek a relationship with someone because you feel lonely. Learn to have a satisfying life by yourself. Then you will be able to keep your balance (more or less) when you open your life/mind to someone else.
Wow, I'm surprised you read what I wrote. Thanks for the advice by the way, made a lot of sense. I think the first thing I realized is basically that I'm a people pleaser of the worst kind in which I was willing to put anyone and everyone before me as usual and people can exploit that unfortunately and she just got comfortable doing it. Which is awful but I'm better for it now.
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Old 01-17-2010, 03:01 AM   #89 (permalink)
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My only advice to you is, don't get too close with someone who's broken up from a longterm relationship and misses their ex. I nearly got into that situation, but very cautiously kept out of it.
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3) Every time Vanilla questions her sexuality as the result of a female user's posted picture, drink three fingers.
Trolling. Trolling never changes.
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Old 01-17-2010, 02:46 PM   #90 (permalink)
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My only advice to you is, don't get too close with someone who's broken up from a longterm relationship and misses their ex. I nearly got into that situation, but very cautiously kept out of it.
Ha.......... too late. It is a fucked situation btw. I approve of this post.
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