Help Critique a song?

Planetary_Awesome · 09-11-2014, 10:08 PM

Hey all! So I'm starting to write songs and I was hoping someone can critique this song for me. I'm open suggestions as well to help improve it!

Verse:
While you wait underneath the beech tree
I stand at home staring at the high sea
To know the others have left for the north sea

Chorus:
I know I'm not under lock and key
But I'm not yet free
Will the time come soon for me

Verse:
As the key stared me down
I couldn't help but feel like a clown
For the ones who were gone would frown
While you were waiting up in town
Standing by the beech tree

Chorus:
I know I'm not under lock and key
But I'm not yet free
So I hope the time is coming for me

Verse:
While I was driving fast
Was when I started to ask
What was right and what was wrong
I learned to be strong
As the one I lost a time so long
When all I heard was come along
So she could bring me back with a song
That I greatly longed
Underneath the beech tree

Chorus:
I know I'm not under lock and key
But I'm not yet free
Yet I know the time has come for me

Black Francis · 09-11-2014, 10:55 PM

I like how you kept coming back to the girl at the beech tree.

Overall i thought it was pretty good but if i must critique something i would say the rhyme scheme was pretty obvious and you could maybe switch it up in some lines in the 2nd and 3rd verse.

example instead of saying

"I couldn't help but feel like a clown"

i would've said

"I couldn't help but feel like a Fool"

Cause i don't think you should always go for the obvious rhyme scheme especially in songs.

CoNtrivedNiHilism · 09-12-2014, 01:07 AM

It's obviously amateur. But I see some potential. Francis pointed out some things that came to mind when I read your song, however it read a bit more like a poem.

You do not need to rhyme so much. I've always had this belief that if it's done too much, the flow is completely derailed. Switch things up, try new things and do not be afraid to reference a dictionary to read up on words that could help with creating imagery in your word play. Your song was decent, but for me, there was a slight bit of a dull look to it.

I'm far from the best writer there is or ever will be. But I've got over 14 years under my belt, so I'm happy to give pointers if you're open to it.

Keep at it. Don't ever be discouraged if someone says what you've written is garbage. Obviously the words mean something to you. So ultimately, what other people tell you doesn't matter. But if you do want to sharpen you're writing ability. Don't refuse any advice. But also stand by what you've written too.

Planetary_Awesome · 09-12-2014, 08:37 AM

Cool thank you guys! This is the kind of critiquing I've been looking for. I appreciate your help!

09-11-2014, 10:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
Planetary_Awesome Groupie Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: In that one state Posts: 2	Help Critique a song? Hey all! So I'm starting to write songs and I was hoping someone can critique this song for me. I'm open suggestions as well to help improve it! Verse: While you wait underneath the beech tree I stand at home staring at the high sea To know the others have left for the north sea Chorus: I know I'm not under lock and key But I'm not yet free Will the time come soon for me Verse: As the key stared me down I couldn't help but feel like a clown For the ones who were gone would frown While you were waiting up in town Standing by the beech tree Chorus: I know I'm not under lock and key But I'm not yet free So I hope the time is coming for me Verse: While I was driving fast Was when I started to ask What was right and what was wrong I learned to be strong As the one I lost a time so long When all I heard was come along So she could bring me back with a song That I greatly longed Underneath the beech tree Chorus: I know I'm not under lock and key But I'm not yet free Yet I know the time has come for me

09-11-2014, 10:55 PM	#2 (permalink)
Black Francis Out of Place Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: in an abstract house Posts: 4,111	I like how you kept coming back to the girl at the beech tree. Overall i thought it was pretty good but if i must critique something i would say the rhyme scheme was pretty obvious and you could maybe switch it up in some lines in the 2nd and 3rd verse. example instead of saying "I couldn't help but feel like a clown" i would've said "I couldn't help but feel like a Fool" Cause i don't think you should always go for the obvious rhyme scheme especially in songs. __________________ "Hey Kids you got to meet the MIGHTY PIXIES!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbRbCtIgW3A

09-12-2014, 01:07 AM	#3 (permalink)
CoNtrivedNiHilism Because I Am, I Can! Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 1,128	It's obviously amateur. But I see some potential. Francis pointed out some things that came to mind when I read your song, however it read a bit more like a poem. You do not need to rhyme so much. I've always had this belief that if it's done too much, the flow is completely derailed. Switch things up, try new things and do not be afraid to reference a dictionary to read up on words that could help with creating imagery in your word play. Your song was decent, but for me, there was a slight bit of a dull look to it. I'm far from the best writer there is or ever will be. But I've got over 14 years under my belt, so I'm happy to give pointers if you're open to it. Keep at it. Don't ever be discouraged if someone says what you've written is garbage. Obviously the words mean something to you. So ultimately, what other people tell you doesn't matter. But if you do want to sharpen you're writing ability. Don't refuse any advice. But also stand by what you've written too.

09-12-2014, 08:37 AM	#4 (permalink)
Planetary_Awesome Groupie Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: In that one state Posts: 2	Cool thank you guys! This is the kind of critiquing I've been looking for. I appreciate your help!