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Old 04-01-2014, 09:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Love Me, I'm a Liberal

I'll assume some of you MUST be aware of this song by the late Phil Ochs--his satirical jab at the slightly-left-of-center. What is a liberal, really? Meriam-Webster defines liberalism thusly:

Main Entry:lib£er£al£ism
Pronunciation:*li-b(*-)r*-*li-z*m
Function:noun
Date:1819

1 : the quality or state of being liberal
2 a often capitalized : a movement in modern Protestantism emphasizing intellectual liberty and the spiritual and ethical content of Christianity b : a theory in economics emphasizing individual freedom from restraint and usually based on free competition, the self-regulating market, and the gold standard c : a political philosophy based on belief in progress, the essential goodness of the human race, and the autonomy of the individual and standing for the protection of political and civil liberties d capitalized : the principles and policies of a Liberal party
–lib£er£al£ist \-b(*-)r*-list\ noun or adjective
–lib£er£al£is£tic \*li-b(*-)r*-*lis-tik\ adjective

I emphasized the part we're concerned with here. Well, it sure sounds nice, doesn't it? But what I have discovered over the years is that a liberal is someone who does not practice what he preaches. A liberal and a conservative are the same thing. Of course, neither believes that but then both are so full of nutty beliefs that it hardly matters. The difference between a liberal and a conservative is that both are completely self-centered, money-driven twits but the conservative is slightly more honest about it. He doesn't care about you and he'll let you know it up front. The liberal simply can't admit that he doesn't care about anything but himself and so develops stock phrases and stances that he does not follow up on with action because he doesn't really believe in them. They just sound good.

How does this work?

Liberals are middleclass and generally came from moderate homes rather than overtly religious or racist households--a kind of socio-political Eden. They usually attended public schools and their lives were basically cookie-cutter nondescript. In their teens, they hit a rebellious phase and took up various causes that they hoped would set them apart from the herd to which they belonged lock, stock and barrel. They wanted equality of this and that and freedom of expression and legalization of "everything."

It is, of course, supremely easy to be so idealistically liberal when you are young, have no mortgage or bills or car payments, no kids to raise, no taxes to pay. As the liberal grows older, he discovers how completely impractical and naive his views are BUT he still hangs onto them. He doesn't want to lose this "good" part of himself because he does not want to fall into the category of the bitchy old fart complaining about everything or the uncaring middle-aged slug who goes bowling every Thursday night. He would rather die than turn into that and so his impractical teenage liberal fantasies become his core--or rather the covering that disguises his core. The core is really a self-centered, vapid, cynical entity that actually despises everything it professes to love.

So he professes a certain set of values called liberalism as long as his little universe is unchallenged. As soon as it is, the pretenses fall away and the selfish, conservative, little prick deep down inside is revealed in all its cold nakedness. He expects you to do what he has no intention of doing himself. And it would appear Mr. Ochs saw through the charade as well. Not that it's hard. In fact, it's so obvious that it takes an act of willful blindness to ignore it. And that's a crime--or it should be.

LOVE ME, I'M A LIBERAL

I cried when they shot Medgar Evers
Tears ran down my spine
I cried when they shot Mr. Kennedy
As though I'd lost a father of mine
But Malcolm X got what was coming
He got what he asked for this time
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I go to civil rights rallies
And I put down the old D.A.R.
I love Harry and Sidney and Sammy
I hope every colored boy becomes a star
But don't talk about revolution
That's going a little bit too far
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I cheered when Humphrey was chosen
My faith in the system restored
I'm glad the commies were thrown out
of the A.F.L. C.I.O. board
I love Puerto Ricans and Negros
as long as they don't move next door
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

The people of old Mississippi
Should all hang their heads in shame
I can't understand how their minds work
What's the matter don't they watch Les Crain?
But if you ask me to bus my children
I hope the cops take down your name
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I read New republic and Nation
I've learned to take every view
You know, I've memorized Lerner and Golden
I feel like I'm almost a Jew
But when it comes to times like Korea
There's no one more red, white and blue
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I vote for the democratic party
They want the U.N. to be strong
I go to all the Pete Seeger concerts
He sure gets me singing those songs
I'll send all the money you ask for
But don't ask me to come on along
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

Once I was young and impulsive
I wore every conceivable pin
Even went to the socialist meetings
Learned all the old union hymns
But I've grown older and wiser
And that's why I'm turning you in
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal


Later, Mojo Nixon and Jello Biafra re-wrote the lyrics to update the song. I won't print them here, you can look them up if you're so inclined. But after all the fights and arguments I've had with online liberals, I decided to rewrite the lyrics yet again. Every verse that follows is about a topic which I actually discussed with a liberal and includes his/her views. I had so many verses, that I cut a few out. Even so, I have one extra verse that the original doesn't.

I cried after they wouldn't pass gun control
Tears ran down my spine
How many more innocents must perish
At places like Columbine
But I'll be damned if I stand by and watch rioters
Come try and take what is mine
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I listen to hip-hop and dubstep
I really take it to heart
I can't say I really understand it
But I try hard to look like the part
Call me pretentious if you want to
Just don't call me a bitter old fart
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I detest all police meddling
While law and order must be restored
But going online to catch predators
Is just entrapment of men who are bored
They are otherwise productive citizens
As long as they don't move in next door
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

The bigoted mean-spirited homophobes
Should all hang their heads in shame
They won't accept trans-sexuals as women
Even though they've changed more than their name
But if you ask me whether I'd marry one
Homey ain't playin' that game
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I've smoked everything I could get my hands on
I've learned to pop every pill
I've snorted all the white powders
Even when I learned they can kill
But we must never abolish the DEA
If they don't get the bad guys, who will?
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

I vote for the democratic party
I can't stand the party of no
They hate gays and racial minorities
And their abortion stance is lower than low
But if my own daughter wants to get an abortion
Don't expect me to give her the go
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

My arguments aren't very convincing
I contradict myself far into the night
So I refuse to answer your questions
But it's more out of fear than of spite
If I don't answer then I can't contradict myself
Which means I must really be right
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal

Once I was young and impulsive
I broke every rule with glee
As I grew older I mellowed
But don't you dare argue with me
I'll attack any statement that I deem intolerant
Even when I really agree
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal


Cheers, motherf-uckers.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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i somewhat agree with the bottom half of ur post but not the top half. to me a liberal isnt a hypocrite but someone who is an idealist moreso than a realist. they have read books and took classes that deal with social issues and often make excuses for ghetto culture, thats prob my biggest beef

guy assaults and robs a truck driver... 'the system failed this man'
guy gets rung up for gun charges or a drug offense... 'its sad this man was born into this area'

etc etc etc it goes on and on, my point is made. most liberals imo cant, or dont want to personalize anythin. or imagine what it'd be like the guy who got mugged by some thug or beat up by some scumbag. they see everythin from a distance cause thats where they are


just my impression anyways. there are of course exceptions.

and i dunno if im a liberal or not. im so pro-gun but i am also pro gays and abortion. im actually pro welfare too lol. but i do see the annoying behavior or my peers and how they excuse ****ty behavior because of race or poverty or social class or whatever
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
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A conservative is a liberal whose been robbed at gunpoint.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Lord Larehip View Post
A conservative is a liberal whose been robbed at gunpoint.
Outstanding quote.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Necromancer View Post
Outstanding quote.

No it isn't. I've been robbed at gunpoint and I'm decidedly left of center.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Paul Smeenus View Post
No it isn't. I've been robbed at gunpoint and I'm decidedly left of center.
Who are you to challenge the legitimacy of a generalization?!?
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I hate the party system. I hate how everyone has to classify themselves as one side or the other, and if you classify yourself as anything else like libertarian then you're just going against the grain and fighting an un-winnable fight. Both sides are right on some issues and wrong on others. The party system is there to prevent political domination by having natural shifts in ideologies occur, but it still makes it that important issues are never settled because everyone's too busy defending their party rather than focusing on the actual issue. I can't even count how many people I know that have a burning passion to oppose Obamacare or something like that, yet they don't even know anything about the damn bill.

Here's a fun video for the hell of it:



Sorry for the rant, Lord Lareship, because you seem to have actually done some deep thinking on the topic so you're not just some average Joe that decided to be liberal because they like blue more than red. It's just whenever this topic comes to my mind for whatever reason I get frustrated.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I wonder if Mitt Romney has ever been robbed at gunpoint. Somehow I think the answer that one is no.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I wonder if Mitt Romney has ever been robbed at gunpoint. Somehow I think the answer that one is no.
Mitt Romney was robbed at childhood by dogma. That's probably even worse. But I guess the same goes for a lot of folks.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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uh oh we arent goin down the 'omg generalizations r bad' wormhole circlejerk again are we??



i guess as far as laid out issues goes my biggest prob with liberals is guns but like i said in general its just that they seem to be apologists for thugs and scumbags
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