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Old 06-14-2019, 10:42 AM   #411 (permalink)
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My Sad can beat up your Sad
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Old 06-14-2019, 10:47 AM   #412 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WWWP View Post
it was the anniversary of my failed suicide attempt earlier this week so this time of year is always kind of fucked for me anyway

but yeah it's that deep dark existential big Sad
I sincerely hope you're doing ok tho.
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Old 06-14-2019, 10:59 AM   #413 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Fluff View Post
Since I've been on here I've had what I thought was a heart attack twice, a brain tumour and bollock cancer. It was all in my head.
Same on the ball cancer. But I only thought I had it 'cause I actually did find a huge lump on the lefty. Turned out to just be a cluster of cysts.

Happened when I was probably at the lowest point of my life, too. Unemployed and depressed. Completely unable to pay for the inevitable fucknami of medical bills that come with cancer. Convinced myself that I was probably going to die.

And I had also just started playing through Silent Hill 2 when it happened. Kept playing as I waited for the day of my appointment. Nothing else to do. Beat it in maybe two or three days. Cried a little at the part with the flaming staircase. The kind of crying where your body is so done that you can't actually squeeze out any tears, but your brain is doing it for you.
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:03 AM   #414 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriphiel View Post
My Sad can beat up your Sad
Yeah! I was totally trying to get into a depression pissing contest and not trying to relate to what they were going through!
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Lucem, you're right, it's silly to talk about what I would or wouldn't do IRL. Glad you brought it up. Maybe you should write an instrumental about it. I recommend a piano paired with a clarinet. With ambient sounds of you hanging from your shower curtain you ****ing failure.

Art Is Dead. Buy My ****.
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:15 AM   #415 (permalink)
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But if our Sads could beat up and destroy each other that would be great.

I'm so sorry WWWP. Hang in there
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I want to open a school for MB's lost boys and teach them basic coping skills and build up their self esteem and strengthen their emotional intelligence and teach them about vegetables and institutionalized racism and sexism and then they'll all build a bronze statue of me in my honor and my bronzed titties will forever be groped by the grubby paws of you ****ing whiny pathetic white boys.
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:15 AM   #416 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lucem ferre View Post
yeah! I was totally trying to get into a depression pissing contest and not trying to relate to what they were going through!
k
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:36 AM   #417 (permalink)
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I've been sleeping better over the past few weeks and that's a big thing for me as I've struggled with sleep walking and night terrors for a pretty good portion of my life. Still to this day I can say with certainty that I've seen things vividly but it comes off as crazy so I won't get fully into that right now.

I've been keeping myself busy and trying to battle with my brain when it combats my will to keep going. I try to tell myself that I don't think i'll ever get to a point of no return but I can't say it's impossible. I think what helps is that I've been able to come up with my own coping mechanisms that I know help keep those thoughts to a minimum or as much as I can anyway. The thing that has really helped a lot was taking a break from weed then starting up again. It brings me to a place where I can finally just be at peace with myself and not have to be constantly going through scenarios in my head and fighting myself. And yes, I do talk to myself in some cases because hearing this vocally helps me process what I'm going through.

The thing that's helping a lot as well is secluding myself and allowing things to process naturally. Not pushing myself out of my boundaries just to attempt at a normal social life. It doesn't work for me, and I've come to accept that. I'm much better on my own and dealing with my problems head on and working on ways to help myself. I just feel like a burden to people and it doesn't help me feel any better about myself. I'm just not a social person in my free time. I work with people daily but that's different.

Depression and anxiety are two topics that I wish were spoken even just a bit more openly than it is now. And people are very open about it now, I'm not saying they're not. I'm not afraid to admit that I've been dealing with both for a pretty good portion of my life. It really started to hit once I turned 22 or 23 if I remember correctly. And I feel like it's made me stronger as a person because of the things that I believe to be true, whether other people believe it or not. But, having a good job and a place to go every day and night is certainly helping. I'm not home for about 12 hours every day during the week, and me loving to be outside, it's a true gift that I have the situation that I have now when it comes to work. That's why I'm so passionate about my job. It's the whole experience that I get to put myself through every day that helps me take one step further from my own dark space. It's a day to day process that I'm certainly ok with dealing with. I accepted that a long time ago. But some days are very very hard and I've had plenty of those recently. Days where I just don't even bother getting out of bed, or letting things just pile up before they get a bit too out of control. But I always fix everything back to the way it was before.

So yeah.
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:44 AM   #418 (permalink)
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You should put those nightly hallucinations to good use and start writing. You might be surprised by how therapeutic and satisfying it can be.
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:46 AM   #419 (permalink)
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I used to write, but moved onto making music instead as I felt much more inspiration could flow through it. And its been a fun ride so far.
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:47 AM   #420 (permalink)
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Hallucinations was actually the theme of my last album. Has an overall darker theme to it.

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