Lord Larehip

Q: Why did the man cross the road?

A: His dick was stuck in the chicken.

The Reason There Are Ten Commandments

First god approached the blacks and said, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life."

"Yeah?" said the blacks, "and what's that?

"Honor thy father and mother."

The blacks laugh and say, "Motherf-ucker, we're black! We don't know who our fathers are, man! Get the f-uck outta here!"

So God goes to the Arabs and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life."

"Yeah?" said the Arabs, "What's that?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

The Arabs say, "You want us to stop doing the only thing we better than everyone else? Get the f-uck outta here!"

So God goes to the Japanese and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life."

"Yeah?" said the Japanese, "What's that?"

"Thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbor's."

"What??" say the Japanese. "You don't want us to steal other countries' inventions and then swear up and down that we came up with it first? Get the f-uck outta here!"

So God goes to the French and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life."

"Yeah?" said the French, "What's that?"

"Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"What??" say the French. "Are you trying to destroy the French way of life?? Get the f-uck outta here!"

So God goes to the Mexicans and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life."

"What's that?" ask the Mexicans.

"Thou shalt not steal."

The Mexicans look at each other and burst out laughing. "Gringo," they say, "get the f-uck outta here!"

Finally, in exasperation, God does to the Jews and says, "Listen, I have commandment that will help you all live a better life.

"Yeah?" say the Jews, "and what's it gonna cost us?"

"Nothing," said God, "it's free."

"Oh!" say the Jews, "then we'll take ten!"

Lord Larehip

Two banker jokes:

Joke 1

A masked man is robbing a bank. He grabs the money and turns to leave and his mask falls off. His face is totally exposed. He hurriedly slips the mask back on, turns to the teller and says, "Did you see my face?"

The teller puts her hands on her hips and yells, "YES I DID!"

The robber shoots her in the head and kills her. He turns to the next teller and says, "Did you see my face?"

The teller puts her hands on her hips and yells, "YES I DID!"

The robber shoots her in the heads kills her. He turns to leave and there's a couple standing there totally mortified having witnessed the whole thing "The robber walks up to the husband and says, "Did you see my face?"

"No," said the husband, then points at his wife and yells, "BUT SHE DID!"

Joke 2

A man walks into a bank and goes up to the teller who is a prim little white-haired old lady. She looks up, smiles and says, "May I help you, young man?"

"Yeah," he says, "I want to open a f-uckin' bank account."

The woman's mouth drops open. "Excuse me??" she says.

"I said I want to open a f-uckin' bank account."

"Young man," says the lady, "I don't appreciate that kind of language and if you want something from me you'd better ask politely! Now, for the last time, what is it you want?"

"I said I want to open a f-uckin' bank account!"

"That's it!" snaps the old lady, "I'm getting the manager!" and she leaves.

She returns a moment later with the manager who looks peeved. The manager says to the man, "Sir! My teller here has informed me that you are being abusive and using foul language and I'll have you know, sir, that this is a respectable place of business and we will not tolerate such rude, infantile behavior in this establishment! Now before you leave, SIR, is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah," says the man, "I want to open a f-uckin' bank account!"

The manager folds his arms and says, "Oh, really, SIR, and in what amount, may I ask?"

The man pulls check from his pocket and holds it up in front of the manager's face and says, "For $750,000!"

The manager points at the teller and says, "And was this f-uckin' old c-unt giving you a hard time??"

Forward To Death

Dulce

@ Lord Larehip: The Reason There Are Ten Commandments ?

How about the seven deadly sins ?

Lord Larehip

Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two Jews found the same penny.

The Batlord

This isn't so much a joke as an anecdote. And yes I am a callous douche.

So one night I was staying over at my grandparent's house when my grandmother walks into the room and tells me that my aunt's husband has put a shotgun in his mouth and blown his brains out.

So the next day or the day after, I was driving with a friend and the conversation went something like...

Me: Dude, my aunt's husband killed himself with a shotgun.

Friend: Oh, man, that sucks.

Me: But there's good news.

Friend: What?

Me: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.


In my defense I had never actually met the guy. It had been over a decade since I'd seen my aunt and back then she was a twenty something who couldn't hold down a job. We'd never really been close anyway. So this woman who was a lawyer who was married to some guy who I'd never even seen a picture of were for all intents and purposes to me strangers. When my grandmother told me that "Michael killed himself", I remember thinking "Who's Michael?" and not knowing for most of the night. And again, I am a callous douche.

But it was still funny.

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butthead aka 216

Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman??




Iron man is a superhero, iron woman is a command

FRED HALE SR.

Saw something the other day, where a guy discovered his wife used to be a man. He said I knew something was wrong when she couldn't iron clothes properly.

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" I slashed and burned thru my 15 minutes of fame."

DoesntReallyMatter

Some of the funniest **** I've seen in a long time.
Whew. Tears of laughter.

DoesntReallyMatter

Alright.
What did the 'Mexican gangster' say when a house fell down on him?




"Get off me Homes!"