offensive jokes *giggles* (Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Micheal Jackson, bling, shows)

Merkaba · 11-10-2005, 01:37 PM

Oh maaaaan, and I thought my Elton John joke owned the homosexual section.

Balls.

HomesickAtSpaceCamp · 11-10-2005, 01:47 PM

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and
towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..............

I have more but I dont want to use up any more space.

ArtistInTheAmbulance · 11-10-2005, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomesickAtSpaceCamp

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

Thats brilliant, my favourite.

deadkennediespunk · 11-10-2005, 03:40 PM

whats 18 inches long and makes women cry all night

crib death

what do you call a baby, 6 rats,and a bun

a bigmac

how many babys does it take to paint a house

depends how hard you threw them

whats blue and thrashing in corner

baby playing with a plastic bag

whats crying and tapping on glass every 5 seconds

baby in a microwave

Merkaba · 11-10-2005, 03:43 PM

Whens it time to do the dishes, cook dinner and wash the laundry?

Look down your pants, if you have a penis, it's not time.

HomesickAtSpaceCamp · 11-11-2005, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadkennediespunk

whats 18 inches long and makes women cry all night

crib death

what do you call a baby, 6 rats,and a bun

a bigmac

how many babys does it take to paint a house

depends how hard you threw them

whats blue and thrashing in corner

baby playing with a plastic bag

whats crying and tapping on glass every 5 seconds

baby in a microwave

absoluty terrible.

mosesandtherubberducky · 11-23-2005, 03:04 PM

What's silver and red and runs into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes

Whats worse than a live baby burried under a pile of dead babies?

The live one eating its way out.

What's worse than that?

Going back for the teddy.

(I mean this one in no offence to anyone)

What is the worse thing about being a black jew?

Having to sit in the back of the oven.

That's all I have...for now.

BlueEyedSuicide · 11-23-2005, 09:50 PM

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment
of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and
replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Q: Why isn't Cuba entered in any of the Olympic rowing events?

A: Because any Cuban who can row already lives in Florida.

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

That last is horrible..

~~bungalow~~ · 11-23-2005, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedSuicide

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment
of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and
replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

i dont get it...

BlueEyedSuicide · 11-23-2005, 09:54 PM

He is comparing her to a machine that he only wanted to get children out of. Without his sperm/dollar, no candy/children will come and such..

11-10-2005, 01:37 PM	#51 (permalink)
Merkaba Whitewater! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 2,885	Oh maaaaan, and I thought my Elton John joke owned the homosexual section. Balls. __________________ She thinks I'm a reclusive genius, she's going to be very disappointed when she finds out i'm a reclusive wanker

11-10-2005, 01:47 PM	#52 (permalink)
HomesickAtSpaceCamp Queen Of Hearts Join Date: May 2005 Location: In A House Posts: 28	A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori? Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.” An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed." A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again." Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.............. I have more but I dont want to use up any more space. __________________ Somewhere in Texas a village is missing their idiot. HAHAHA.......... I don't get it.

11-10-2005, 03:40 PM	#54 (permalink)
deadkennediespunk green day hater Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: nh aka no where Posts: 111	whats 18 inches long and makes women cry all night crib death what do you call a baby, 6 rats,and a bun a bigmac how many babys does it take to paint a house depends how hard you threw them whats blue and thrashing in corner baby playing with a plastic bag whats crying and tapping on glass every 5 seconds baby in a microwave __________________ Gun---shot--->Brain---->Sploosh

11-10-2005, 03:43 PM	#55 (permalink)
Merkaba Whitewater! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 2,885	Whens it time to do the dishes, cook dinner and wash the laundry? Look down your pants, if you have a penis, it's not time. __________________ She thinks I'm a reclusive genius, she's going to be very disappointed when she finds out i'm a reclusive wanker

11-23-2005, 03:04 PM	#57 (permalink)
mosesandtherubberducky butt say x Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: so i read the question as "Where YOU live" which was kinda funny instead of "Where you live" Posts: 1,649	What's silver and red and runs into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes Whats worse than a live baby burried under a pile of dead babies? The live one eating its way out. What's worse than that? Going back for the teddy. (I mean this one in no offence to anyone) What is the worse thing about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven. That's all I have...for now. __________________ Can I have a youtube video for a sig? There's a thing that says "Wrap [YOUTUBE] tags around selected text"

11-23-2005, 09:50 PM	#58 (permalink)
BlueEyedSuicide Arienette Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Minnesota Posts: 48	The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?" Q: Why isn't Cuba entered in any of the Olympic rowing events? A: Because any Cuban who can row already lives in Florida. John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." That last is horrible..

11-23-2005, 09:54 PM	#60 (permalink)
BlueEyedSuicide Arienette Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Minnesota Posts: 48	He is comparing her to a machine that he only wanted to get children out of. Without his sperm/dollar, no candy/children will come and such..