The Official Joke Thread

[spark10036]

Originally Posted by zzz

I always liked Survivorman, no matter how unrealistic or planned out it may be. I've always enjoyed entertainment based around nature, fiction and non-fiction. Who's The Bear? Pretty sure I've never seen that show.

Bear Grylls, host of Ultimate Survival

[ElephantSack]

How do you get four ***s on a bar stool?

Flip it upside-down.


What did Hellen Keller name her dog?

EEEIIGAHGAHIUUUHHHHH!!!!

[Freebase Dali]

Know what NASA stands for?




Need Another Seven Astronauts.

[djchameleon]

Originally Posted by Whatsitoosit

hey DJ, best to check the entire thread before repeating already posted jokes... although that was a pretty good one, I didn't mind reading it twice

yeah well my version was better :P....better delivery anywho I'll try my other favorite go to joke(hopefully it hasn't been told yet)

One day this bartender looks at his floor as he is closing and decides that he wants to get a new floor. Over the next week or two he gets the floor done. As his regulars come in, he tells them about a new rule he has. He comes up with this rule to prevent his regulars from spitting on the new floor. All of the regulars that come into the bar must spit into a spittoon that is going to be placed outside of the entrance. If someone slips up and forgets then they will have to take a sip of whatever is inside of the spittoon.

Two months go by and a regular comes in. He hawks up a huge loogey and spits it on the floor. The bartender runs from behind the bar and gets the spittoon. He doesn't say anything to the regular and just proceeds to shove the spittoon in his direction. The regular says "Oh ****" as he remembers the rule. Everyone in the bar gathers around to watch what is about to take place. The regular puts the spittoon up to his face and slowly starts to sip on the spittoon that is half filled with different colored loogeys. He slowly glups as everyone in the bar is pretty much watching in disgust. The bartender says "whoa whoa whoa, you can stop now you only have to take a sip". The regular continues to up end the spittoon. He finally drops it to his side and it is now clearly empty.

The bartender says " WTF man didn't you know that you were only supposed to take a sip?"

The regular replies "I tried to but it was all in one strand"

[ElephantSack]

Originally Posted by djchameleon

yeah well my version was better :P....better delivery anywho I'll try my other favorite go to joke(hopefully it hasn't been told yet)

One day this bartender looks at his floor as he is closing and decides that he wants to get a new floor. Over the next week or two he gets the floor done. As his regulars come in, he tells them about a new rule he has. He comes up with this rule to prevent his regulars from spitting on the new floor. All of the regulars that come into the bar must spit into a spittoon that is going to be placed outside of the entrance. If someone slips up and forgets then they will have to take a sip of whatever is inside of the spittoon.

Two months go by and a regular comes in. He hawks up a huge loogey and spits it on the floor. The bartender runs from behind the bar and gets the spittoon. He doesn't say anything to the regular and just proceeds to shove the spittoon in his direction. The regular says "Oh ****" as he remembers the rule. Everyone in the bar gathers around to watch what is about to take place. The regular puts the spittoon up to his face and slowly starts to sip on the spittoon that is half filled with different colored loogeys. He slowly glups as everyone in the bar is pretty much watching in disgust. The bartender says "whoa whoa whoa, you can stop now you only have to take a sip". The regular continues to up end the spittoon. He finally drops it to his side and it is now clearly empty.

The bartender says " WTF man didn't you know that you were only supposed to take a sip?"

The regular replies "I tried to but it was all in one strand"

Damn man, brutal.


Okay.

A black man, a Jew and a Hindu are traveling together through the desert, and just through blind luck, they come across an inn before night falls.
They ask the innkeeper if there's a vacancy.
"Well, we do have one more room open. Unfortunately, there's only enough room for two men. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
So they decide to take the innkeeper up on his offer.
The Hindu is the first to speak up.
"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!" he says, and he leaves.
Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door. It's the Hindu.
"There is a cow in the barn, and a cow is holy. I cannot sleep in the barn."
So the Jew steps in.
"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!", and he walks out the door.
Two minutes later, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew.
"There is a pig in the barn, and a pig is not Kosher. I cannot sleep in the barn."
So at last, the black man offers.
"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!", and he heads outside.
Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door.
It's the cow and the pig.

[Bronxo]

lol at that vampire one. Genius

[Whatsitoosit]

Originally Posted by ElephantSack

A black man, a Jew and a Hindu are traveling together through the desert, and just through blind luck, they come across an inn before night falls.
They ask the innkeeper if there's a vacancy.
"Well, we do have one more room open. Unfortunately, there's only enough room for two men. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
So they decide to take the innkeeper up on his offer.
The Hindu is the first to speak up.
"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!" he says, and he leaves.
Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door. It's the Hindu.
"There is a cow in the barn, and a cow is holy. I cannot sleep in the barn."
So the Jew steps in.
"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!", and he walks out the door.
Two minutes later, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew.
"There is a pig in the barn, and a pig is not Kosher. I cannot sleep in the barn."
So at last, the black man offers.
"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!", and he heads outside.
Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door.
It's the cow and the pig.

my favorite so far.

[ElephantSack]

Originally Posted by Whatsitoosit

my favorite so far.

Thanks. I'm not racist, by the way!! Just so you guys know.

I'm just a white guy that I guess will be the first to admit that most white people tell black jokes.


Just to make things even, here's a couple of redneck jokes.

What do rednecks do for Halloween?

Dress up and pump-kin.

What's the birthday card that can only be bought in West Virginia?

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad

And one for the road...

A redneck is working his construction job one day, and he turns to his friend and says,
"You know what, Bo? I'm gonna go to cawllege and get me an edjumacation."
"You? In cawllege? Yeah right!"

But sure enough, the next day he goes up to the community college to speak with the dean.

"Well," the dean says, "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna hook you up with a Math class, a Science class, an English class, and a Logic class."
And the redneck chimes in, "Now what's a Logic class?"
"It's quite simple.", says the dean, "Let me demonstrate. Do you own a weedwhacker?"
"Yeah."
"So logically you must have a yard to mow."
"Yeah."
"So you have a house then?"
"Yeah, got me a house."
"And if you have a house, then I assume that you have a family."
"Yeah."
"So if you have a family, then you probably have a wife."
"Yeah."
"So you're obviously heterosexual."
"Damn right, boy. Ain't no queer. Shoot."
"Alright, so the fact that you own a weedwhacker has led me to the logical conclusion that you are a heterosexual."
"Well, alright, man! I reckon I'd like me that Logic class!"

A couple of weeks later, the redneck runs into his construction buddy at a local watering hole.

"So how's that cawllege workin' out for yeh?"
"I tell you what, man. I got me a Math class, a Science class, a English class, and a Logic class."
"Logic class? Now what's a Logic class?"
"Well, allow me to demonstrate."
"Okay."
"Do you own a weedwhacker?"
"No."
"Well then you're a goddamn homo."

[Freebase Dali]

Originally Posted by ElephantSack

A redneck is working his construction job one day, and he turns to his friend and says,
"You know what, Bo? I'm gonna go to cawllege and get me an edjumacation."
"You? In cawllege? Yeah right!"

But sure enough, the next day he goes up to the community college to speak with the dean.

"Well," the dean says, "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna hook you up with a Math class, a Science class, an English class, and a Logic class."
And the redneck chimes in, "Now what's a Logic class?"
"It's quite simple.", says the dean, "Let me demonstrate. Do you own a weedwhacker?"
"Yeah."
"So logically you must have a yard to mow."
"Yeah."
"So you have a house then?"
"Yeah, got me a house."
"And if you have a house, then I assume that you have a family."
"Yeah."
"So if you have a family, then you probably have a wife."
"Yeah."
"So you're obviously heterosexual."
"Damn right, boy. Ain't no queer. Shoot."
"Alright, so the fact that you own a weedwhacker has led me to the logical conclusion that you are a heterosexual."
"Well, alright, man! I reckon I'd like me that Logic class!"

A couple of weeks later, the redneck runs into his construction buddy at a local watering hole.

"So how's that cawllege workin' out for yeh?"
"I tell you what, man. I got me a Math class, a Science class, a English class, and a Logic class."
"Logic class? Now what's a Logic class?"
"Well, allow me to demonstrate."
"Okay."
"Do you own a weedwhacker?"
"No."
"Well then you're a goddamn homo."

I lawled.

[Surell]

Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction

I lawled.

Seconded.