Pg.lost - Key (2012)
On the one hand, this is a band Ki talks about a lot, so it will be nice to **** on them. On the other, they're post-rock, so this will not be a pleasant experience. Also, that is one butt fugly album cover. Let's do this.
1. Spirits Stampede - 6:33:
Distorted and moderately heavy guitar riffs are alright, but I can find cooler stuff on a Boris album. And now it's going all mellow. Gay.
Really mellow now. Like, this is all acoustic sounding and ****, but aimless and not engaging, and I wish someone who didn't sound like a reject from a Belle & Sebastian cover band would start singing so there'd be something to care about. But I guess post-rock is too cool for singing. Gay.
So, is it building to a crescendo or something? I don't listen to enough of this **** to have the stereotypes nailed yet. Oh wait, was that the crescendo? I think so. The song's over and it got all climaxy, but it didn't really feel that stupendous or tremendous or whatever Trump would call this if he didn't hate post-rock too.
2. Vultures - 5:03:
Second song and the guitar sounds just like the guitar from the previous song. All sappy and singer-songwriter and ****, even though it clearly wants you to think it's epic or poignant or whatever. If I didn't know any better I'd think I accidentally put the last song on replay.
Nope, I didn't.
3. Terrain - 5:29:
Okay, so a little more distortion that won't amount to anything once the sappy guitar starts again. Nice. I guess. I actually don't hate the sound of this record, but I just feel like I know exactly what's going to happen with every single song: slowly build up with music that's supposed to sound both introspective and uplifting, until it reaches a transcendent epiphany that is supposed to make your musical nut bust all over your bed sheets.
And since I know what's happening I couldn't care less.
4. Sheaves - 7:17:
The **** am I supposed to say now? All these songs sound the same and there's nothing really more I can add to the turd I've already dropped on Ki. I mean, I can always keep calling Ki a ***got for liking this milquetoast dreck of an album, but won't that get old after a while? I call Ki a ***got all the time after all. Sometimes it's all I can do not to call him a ***got to be perfectly honest. Calling Ki a ***got is sort of my job now, and what point is there in calling him a ***got even more than I already do?
Oh who am I kidding? Ki, you are a ***got and this album is gay as ****.
Did that fill seven minutes? No? Why are these songs so god damn long? This could be an EP and nothing would have been lost except more nancy boy guitar and weak crescendos.
**** this ***got ****.
5. I Am a Destroyer - 9:19:
No. No you are not.
6. Gathering - 7:54:
God damn. I was waiting for that song to be over forever. I would've added more to how ****ty I thought it was but I didn't want to ruin the genius I'd already set down.
Jesus Christ this is so pretentious. It wants you to connect with it so ****ing badly, like that awkward weirdo at school who can tell you're an awkward weirdo too, but he's much more awkward and weird, and kinda creepy tbh, and you just can't deal with it but you feel too bad to tell him to **** off, so you just kind of let him sit next to you but never invite him to your house even though you know he wants you to.
And then he brings a gun...
7. Weaver - 13:17:
And of course, the 10-minute-plus song on the album has to start with sad, melodramatic piano that I guess is the build-up to your inevitable suicide or whatever. But I'm sure the band will come up with a crescendo to pull you out of your doldrums until the next time you listen to this song and the intro makes you a sadsack loser again.
I'm barely even reviewing this anymore. I'm just coming up with something that I think is a passable joke while being bored for the first half of the track and then waiting for it to be over, rinse, repeat. Sort of like this album actually. But it never surprises me in any way, shape, or form, so I feel no need to take this review any more seriously than I do the music. Even though I don't listen to post-rock or have a working knowledge of it I can still tell that this is cliched tripe that is at best 2nd generation wannabe bull**** concocted by hacks who desperately want to be whoever the 1st wavers were. And if these *******s were the pioneers then **** this whole genre.
And there's the uplifting crescendo! Call it, doc! Time of creative death is 9:36.
Thank you, folks! It's not been a blast and I hope you all have a good day and God bless America. I've still got about three more minutes of this trash, so if you'll excuse me I'm going to defy Pg.lost's expectations and blow my brains out. Ciao!