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Old 06-05-2009, 05:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Most infuriating music fans: Boobs edition

Just like there are different genres of music, there are different genres of music fans. And when you really think about it, they're all annoying.

This is in no real order, and to no certain amount. Just an infinite number of music fans that piss me off.

So enjoy, or at least until I get to YOU.

Also, remember that a lot of this is just tongue and cheek. So don't take it too seriously. Just for fun.

First up.



Indie kids

This one is gonna attract a lot of heat, I know. But this is just my opinion (which just happens to be based on objective scientifically proven fact). I just can't understand how people could listen to such avant garde garbage like F*ck Buttons and genuinely enjoy it.

Now this is the obvious one for me to start with, everyone knows I hate them.

But why?

Well my dear Watson, that's a very complex question. But a lot of things figure into this equation. Mainly there's no other group of people I can think of who are so elitist about the awful music they listen to, and so dedicated to shoving it down your throats. And it's not because they don't want to convert you. They want to be hated, and they do a fantastic job I might add.

Now granted. I can't just showhorn these guys into one category as there are many kinds of indie fans, all of them are equally irritiating and worthless. I'll cover these sub-categories later on.

Probably the worst kind is the one who pretty much copies and pastes his taste off of PitchforkMedia.com, the kinda douchebag who was all up on The Shins until Garden State came out, the kind that excels in awful jokes about butt sex and excessive overuse of Urban Dictionary phrases.

There are those that like some good music, like Radiohead and Wilco, but goddamn if they don't do everything in their power to make me hate those bands, which is undeniably what they want. They're even worse than the ones I can't agree with on anything, because they want their music to remain a part of their little club, if too many outsiders like it, they disown it. If you like only like some of the music they like, but now all of it, they're gonna try and make you feel guilty about it.

And because of this you have the real hardcore indie fans who are so dedicated in their "indieness" that they pretty much hate any indie band with so much as a shred of talent.

I'm not saying anyone here falls into this category, I'm just talking about the most hardcore elitists, and believe me, they exist.

By the indie definition, once more than 12 people have heard of you or you learn how to play more than 3 chords or produce an album where the music is actually audible, that means you sold out.

And I also hate how they claim to be more openminded than they actually are, they spend so much time trashing every popular band from every other popular genre, but of course, they like many genres of music, provided "indie", "post", "noise" or "folk" is somewhere in the title.

They also won't shut up about how great Wes Anderson is. And they have no grasp of subtlety when it comes to ironic humor. "Ironic" racist rants are common.

How to spot one: Unkempt hair, super tight jeans, ironic t shirts, thick rimmed glasses, indifferent (aka retarded) facial expressions. Indie kids like most scenesters, tend to hunt in packs, they are often lead by an elder, who likes to share his superior knowledge of awful obscure music with his minions.

Where to spot one in the wild: A vinyl record store is the best bet. If you think you've found one but are not sure, try saying a few kew phrases like "Can are the only good prog band", "That's not even real emo" and "Boy, I wish every Nirvana song sounded like Polly" and see how they react.

Debate tactics: The most common arguing tactic for indie fans is that when you say something about an album they don't agree with, they pretty much try to convince you that you have never actually listened to it and are just lying to them so you can appear to be as cool as they are. It may take them up to 3 pages before they realise you actually actually have listened to Psycho Candy and you just don't think it's the best pop record ever made.

Things they tend to say:

"This sounds too arena rock"

"The only good album they did was the one that Steve Albini produced"

"This band is just a ripoff of *Enter awful obscure band that sounds nothing like them here*"

"This band is mo bettah" (or some other painfully unfunny attempt at a blackcent)
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Damn it man, you got me first!
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I just can't understand how people could listen to such avant garde garbage like F*ck Buttons and genuinely enjoy it.
Dude, Fuck Buttons are awesome, they're very enjoyable to listen to... and I'm pretty far from an indie kid. I hate them too.

That disagreement aside, I look forward to more posts in this thread.
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Lmao.

Great article. The picture you used is perfect.
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Metalheads

Like any other genre, the metal community is made up of several sub-categories that range in their maximum douchebag density levels.

There are many kinds of metalhead, but just about every eltisit metalhead shares a few defining traits.

You know those Halo and World of Warcraft fanboy idiots on IGN.com? Metalheads. You know those Richard Dawkins groupies that make you embarassed to be an athiest? Metalheads. You know those guys who ensure that the internet is completely chick free with their sexist remarks and homoeroticism? Metalheads.

There are two primary kinds of metalheads, the downright idiots and the downright idiots who try really hard to sound smart and objective, and fail miserably.

They tend to be quite sexist. A lot of them are athiests (and totally smug about it), but there are also the weird Christian ones. And they love to overuse phrases like "own" and "fail", unlike most sensible people, they actually use those words in real life, they also love to say "f&ggot".

They are VERY anal about the millions of metal sub-genres they invent every day. If you get a band's subgenre wrong, you'll never hear the end of it. A common rant usually goes like this.

"You're a dumbf*ck, they're not black metal, they're symphonic viking metal. Get your facts straight, f&ggot."

Speaking of subgenres, here's a helpful guide to some of the more prominent species of metalhead.

Sheadheads: These f*ckers take technical skill really seriously, these are the guys who want to shove Satriani down your throat every chance they get. If you tell them they're closed minded, they will insult you and rant about how diverse their taste in music is, they claim to appreciate any genre, provided technical wankery and white people are involved. They say they love jazz, but they really only like Jaco and Matheny, they say they like the blues, but they really only mean stuff like Rory Gallagher. They also fancy themselves classical music fans, this is usually just to flaunt off their musical knowledge, they'd rather listen to Yngwie Malmsteen cover Paganini than actually listen to Paganini. They give no credit to anything punk, techno, alt rock or rap related.

Power metalheads: By far the worst kind of metal fan, probably because they listen to the lamest kind of metal imaginable. These guys are especially anal when it comes to discussing singers, they'll go on endlessly about how Cobain sucks and how great a singer the guy from Kamelot is. They very often use words like "clean", "control" and of course "power". If they're in a crappy band (and they usually are) they will endlessly brag about it. Don't discuss music with these people, ever.

Prog metalheads: A close relative of the power metal fan, but even more pretentious. They call themselves prog fans but prog metal is the only kind they care about. To them it all started with dream theater. Their idea of progressive is "having a keyboardist".

Doom metalheads: These guys tend to come off as stoned out losers even by metalhead standards. Somewhat a mix of metalhead, stoner, goth and straight up douchebag.

Black metalheads: Will not only try to convince you of something as laughable as Varg Vikernes being the best songwriter of the past 20 years, but if you're a Christian, you're never gonna hear the end of their anti-religious rants. They're probably the closest thing to indie fans in the metalhead category, in that they often sort out the crappiest obscure music they can possibly find. They also have the most ridiculous fashion sense.

Thrash metalheads: They tend to be the inbred cracker spawn of the rednecks you see on COPS on a regular basis. They're the frat boys of the metal world, some of them tend to be keen on hair metal as well, you should also expect a few rants about how "Nirvana ruined good music". They're usually the most vulgar and sexist of the metalheads, and they like their women to look like porn stars, and they should never EVER try to be musicians, even the idea of a woman playing guitar is insulting to them. They like to take the piss on alt rock, unless it's Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Alice in Chains, in which case they will never shut up about how superior they are to Nirvana.

Death metalheads: The kinda douchebags who still rant about Limp Bizkit and Korn, even though that's pretty much all they ever listened to 3 years ago. And don't ever confuse them with black metalheads, they really hate that.

How to spot one: Long hair, overweight, wristbands, piercings, jack daniels in right hand.

Where to spot one in the wild: Finding one out in the open is very rare. They're most likely to be found in your nearest trailer park, usually locked away in their room playing World of Warcraft or putting up another Frank Frazetta poster on their wall.

Debate tactics: "Hey punk, do you know who you're talking to? I know my music theory, I know what Staccato means, I bet you don't, f&ggot".

Things they tend to say:

"Man that Kurt Cobain was just a talentless hack, now Adrian Smith, that guy can wail, IRON MAIDEN OWNS!!! \m/"

"Black Sabbath didn't get really good into Dio joined, his vocals were a lot more clean, more control, plus Ozzy is a douche, did you see how his fat c*nt of a wife treated Iron Maiden at Ozzfest? F@ggot, that guy has no respect for the masters"

"Go back to listening to your Limp Bizkit and Britney Spears, f@ggot"
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I only listen to Santana when I feel like being annoyed.
I only listen to you talk when I want to hear Emo performed acapella.
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Metalheads

Like any other genre, the metal community is made up of several sub-categories that range in their maximum douchebag density levels.

They come in many shapes and sizes...
Oh I don't know about that. They seem to mostly only come in the slightly round shape most of the guys in that picture have.
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Debate tactics: The most common arguing tactic for indie fans is that when you say something about an album they don't agree with, they pretty much try to convince you that you have never actually listened to it and are just lying to them so you can appear to be as cool as they are. It may take them up to 3 pages before they realise you actually actually have listened to Psycho Candy and you just don't think it's the best pop record ever made.
Just thought I'd mention, Psychocandy, one word. The only time I ever see these hipster type people talked about is on the internet, I live in an area where there are plenty of people that dress like them, but in terms of music and general attitude are nothing like your typical hipster. Thank goodness though, they seem infuriating.
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Somewhat a mix of metalhead, stoner, goth and straight up douchebag

This amused me.
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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How to spot one: Unkempt hair, super tight jeans, ironic t shirts, thick rimmed glasses, indifferent (aka retarded) facial expressions. Indie kids like most scenesters, tend to hunt in packs, they are often lead by an elder, who likes to share his superior knowledge of awful obscure music with his minions.
You know me too well.

About metalheads, two of my best friends are metal heads and they can get very defensive about their genre and I don’t know how many times I've jokingly called Dimebag Darrel "Douchebag Darrel" and in response have gotten things like "fuck you atleast I don’t listen to weird shit like Radiohead" or "atleast I don’t listen to that gay happy shit". But when It comes to the whole variety of genres they’re pretty helpful when I ask questions like “whats the difference between Death Metal and Doom Metal?” but Ive also gotten into many arguments when I’ve called bands like AC/DC or Led Zeppelin Metal “they’re not Metal they’re classic rock.” Also I have a friend who's a metalhead and who firmly believes that Metal is its own genre and not apart of rock. I love this thread so far, though I’m disappointed there weren’t any boobs as the title led me to believe.
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sweet nothing openly flaunts the fact that he is merely the empty shell of an even more unadmirable member. his loneliness and need for attention bleeds through every letter he types. edit: i would just like to add that i'm ashamed that he's from texas. surely you didn't grow up in texas, did you sweet nothing?
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Ah Metalheads are the worst, especially the weird Christian ones.
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