s_k

People telling me I'm a lazy **** who doesn't want to work is really the very worst thing you can say to me. When it comes to words, it really doesn't get worse, literally. If you don't understand, you're just going to have to take my word for it. The fact that this hurts me so much should explain to you that it's not like I haven't tried. If I were that lazy ****, I'd just go 'yeah, it's great, innit? I don't do **** but I do get paid'. Well I never chose to be like this, I can assure you that.

@ right-track: The Dutch aren't relaxed .
And it's impossible for me to be nice to everyone and not care. The reason I am nice is because I care about the people around me.

@ Neapolitan: This is going to sound a bit odd, but I am too autistic (google again ) to have real insight in what others feel. My cause --> effect system is also lacking. So I wouldn't know if what you say is true. I sure as hell know though that there's a couple of very frustrated people here and I think this definitely has something to do with the way they respond to me. Why else would they bother?

@ Vanilla: I cannot 'select' stuff. It all hits me with the same impact. I haven't got that switch that a lot of people have, to turn off your senses. I can't prevent the stuff I read from touching me as much as I cannot NOT hear music. E.g.; In supermarkets or on the radio. When there's an awful song you really don't like on it, you just don't listen to it. I can't do that. It's a very strange thing to say, but I just can't ignore stuff. It's just not possible for me.
Go figure how bullies in elementary school worked 8-).
"Just ignore them"
Rrrright.
Eitherway, thanks a lot. Really. It's hard to be angry, sad and nice at the same time but I really appreciate what you say.

I'm sort of mixing replies to two topics up, here. But anyway; For those people who say I'm egocentric, and I'm not going to deny that, please google aspergers syndrome. Again, it's not like I can help it.
And for those people who think I should be working; It's virtually impossible here to get a disability benefit. You don't get **** unless you're really in trouble. The benefit itself is about 1300 dollars, so it's not like I'm making it easy on myself with that tiny amount of money. Then, I love to work. I work every ****ing day helping loads and loads of people. I just can't work when someone is telling me exactly what to do and I'm not organized enough to be my own boss. It really is that simple.
You people shouldn't forget that I've been on this earth for 27 years. In 24 of those years I was struggling to get through schools and get jobs, even though I already had my benefit for years. I just gave up finding a job though the regular paths now, it's not like I've always been like this. But there is a moment in which you have to be honest to yourself and admit: I'm not going to make this. Well I am not going to make this.

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Astronomer

Autism isn't a handicap. And it saddens me to think that you think that.

s_k

Well I like to think it isn't. But in this world, it really is.
It really holds you back so I guess it is a handicap.
And, technically speaking, it is measureable/visible in the brain.
I've been saying for a long time that it's just a character that's so deviant that it has gotten a name. But turns out it isn't.

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Astronomer

Also, you need to learn that sometimes you aren't going to get along with people. Everyone will always judge you, autism or not. People judge me every day over heaps of things. People criticise my personality. People don't like me. I'm not going to try and excuse these incidents by saying I have borderline personality disorder. Because disorders are NOT who you are. This is what happens in life. You can't expect everyone to bend over backwards to be kind to you just because you have autism or whatnot. Assimilating into society and separating yourself from the fact that you are on the ASD means understanding this. It is confronting but it's true.

Astronomer

I teach a LOT of autistic kids and most of the time their autism does not hold them back from achieving a fulfilling and happy life. I don't consider it a handicap. If you do, then that's fine, it just saddens me that you think that. Maybe if you didn't define yourself by your autism you wouldn't feel as though it is a handicap holding you back.

ThePhanastasio

s_k, from what I've seen of you on the forums and such, you really do appear to be a good guy. A little overly-concerned with how others see you, but a really good guy, and it would be a shame to see you leave the forums over this. You have been a valuable contributer, in particular in threads having to do with audio and technology, and that's definitely worthwhile on a forum such as this one.

This is, however, the internet, and judgments here are going to be more unfounded than many you'll encounter out in the "real world", because of our significantly more limited knowledge of the people we interact with here on a regular basis. People here aren't able to see anything you put forward, aside from the text you type in and occasional photos and youtube videos. Even if your relatively open about yourself, that's not going to translate even a fraction as much as it would out in the world, because there's a bit more detachment.

Everyone here has been brought together by a passion for music, and most of the people here seem to be sublime individuals. But, again, this is just the internet.

When you speak of your situation, people here have only what you say on the forum to interpret. They don't have you or any particular knowledge of you as a person, aside from what you've put down on the forum. Naturally, they're going to attach this to their own personal experiences in their real lives to fill in the blanks. It's not so much a personal attack on you as a person as it is their judgment based on prior experiences.

For example: I know that in America, jobs are scarce and everyone seems to be struggling to find one. In jobs such as fast food here, also, we have many people with mental disorders or developmental disorders who are able to hold jobs. My friend's girlfriend actually has Asperger's, and she has held a job at a movie theatre for two years, in addition to going to school. I know also people with severe Bipolar disorder and even schizophrenia who have been able to hold jobs. They're not necessarily happy, but here, that's pretty much just the understanding that it's just something which needs to be done. I don't have Asperger's or Autism or anything, and I'm still unhappy doing jobs which aren't in the arts - but I do them anyway. Being happy and feeling at home in a job isn't at all normal, at least not here.

With that said: you don't live in America, so I'd imagine it's probably quite different elsewhere. When you say that, I believe you, but you have to understand that from an American perspective and perhaps other countries as well, what you're saying doesn't make as much sense in our particular job market. We don't know you personally, and none of us live in the Netherlands, so we'd have no real, concrete way of really knowing your precise situation.

Also, what people say honestly doesn't matter that much. The only real issue I've seen lately is that you've felt the need to defend yourself extensively instead of just ignoring it. Again, you explained that you can't just ignore it, and I really do get that.

But yes: you're a good guy, s_k, and a quality poster. No one on here dislikes you, from what I've seen. I think there's just been differences in understanding opinions and the way things are for you. Chin up.

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s_k

I'm really sorry to break your bubble. But I do know a lot of autistic adolescents and adults and it's an entirely different story there. Most people with autism get into real trouble when they're about 20 and life is asking stuff from them. It's true that kids can be happy and I am glad they can be. But autism really ruins your life. Even if you're as lucky as I consider myself to be.

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s_k

You know, it really means a lot that you say this.
I really like you an awful lot and I got the idea you were a bit annoyed by me, lately. So I'm glad to read this.

Yeah. We're the AKG Brotha & Sista here

Yes, but even on the internet there should be a limit.
There's a difference between judging someone's behaviour and deciding that someone is a manipulative prick only being nice to people because he expects stuff back. And that he isn't autistic at all or at least not enough to live from a disability benefit (which really is a ****ing tiny amount of money where I live, it's nothing to strive for...
You're going to have to admit that that's just a step too far... At least that's what I think.

I've never really been in this detachment business. I can love people over the internet just as much as people in real life. Obviously knowing someone in real life adds a lot to the sensation, but I care more about some of you than I care about some people in real life. On the other hand, I care a lot more about most people in real life than I care about you. But that also has a lot to do with the fact that I talk to them one on one, a forum is a bit different from that I guess.

And what I put on the internet apparently makes people think the stuff I just posted. Well that's awful. I don't really see why anyone would want to be negative about me anyway. Yes I can understand the 'so nice it's creepy'-thing people seem to think about me, but I mean... where does Freebase even get the idea that he knows enough about me to... **** it, I'm running circles here.

Well yes, obviously...
But... Well, I just read the topic again and there were some others saying 'I understand what freebase says when...'. Well that's about as painful as the Freebase posting itself. I mean, all this time people were apparently thinking the same thing, at least partly, that Freebase thought. Well that's nice to know

Same thing here, I guess. It's just that when I feel ****ed I'm not going to be able to do anything productive at my job. I don't feel to 'good' for any job. I've worked at a supermarket, hell I even cleaned beds and portable toilets. I worked with disabled people, I worked at a local radio station...
And I didn't even get paid for the radio station or the work with disabled people. I worked there for free and they still wanted to get rid of me.
How the **** can someone say I didn't try hard enough?
All these things that went wrong in my life have had a disastrous effect on my personality, it made me a pretty harsh and closed person. Until the day my girlfriend left me. That's when it all came back to me, I really made that turnaround that seems to happen to people in their lives at some point. And I got back to being the softie I am now. And I'm glad to be back. But I'm not going to let this society **** me up again. Unless someone offers me a job in a secure environment where there is time and space to take me and my personality into account, I won't even bother trying because I know it's just going to kill me. In the mean time I work very, very hard (for free) for all the people around me. Trying to do for them whatever I can.

But hey, you know, that doesn't matter because, as Freebase pointed out, I'm only doing this because of how it reflects on me. So in the end it doesn't matter what I do for others, as it isn't 'for real' anyway. Very nice...

I dunno Sara. I'm sure there's something I can say to you, being about theatre or whatever, that really makes you so angry that you cannot help yourself. I mean, I've never been very good at ignoring what's said. I'm very open (again) so people can get very close. I see this as a good thing, but it's not always easy. Calling me lazy, denying my autism, is really the worst thing you can do to me I guess. I mean, when it comes to criticizing me. There's obviously worse things to do.

Freebase dislikes me. Or at least he does now.
Have you seen his other replies in that topic? Come on, please.

Well he can kiss my ass for now.
I'm not leaving yet.
I am very disappointed in the persons that even slightly agree with freebase.
They're very wrong, very stupid and they really should be ashamed about themselves. But that's really all for now.

We'll see.

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Astronomer

I still disagree, I'm sorry. I know plenty of autistic people who are over 20. A lot of past students of our school come and volunteer and they're all well above 20 years of age. I can safely say that 100% of them are happy and in situations where they have a job, can make a living, and lead a pretty 'normal' life. When I studied my degree in disability I majored in ASD (I do not have autism, so I by no means no what it is like to live with it, but this means that I have come in contact with A LOT of people who live with it and am aware of the brain mechanics of it) and the number one thing we learnt is how important it is that these individuals assimilate into society and build up a successful life for themselves. If you haven't managed to do this and you think that your autism has "ruined your life" then it actually breaks my heart and I think you should seek out some help services that will allow you to do so. Because autism by no means "ruins lives." Yes, being on the spectrum may mean that life is often challenging and things may be a little more difficult. Yes, it means that sometimes people may judge you and conflicts may arise. But no, I certainly do not believe that autism will "ruin your life," and of the many austistic adults I know, I don't think any of them would say that autism has ruined their life, most of them are employed, some have partners and children, all of them are very happy with the life they have forged for themselves. So I hope that one day you can seek help and I wish you luck in living a successful and happy life that is not "ruined" by autism, because noone on the autism spectrum should have to feel that it has ruined their life

s_k

Short reply, going to bed now;
You live in a 'successful' world where you meet autists.
I live in the less 'successful' part of that world. So I see the people who don't make it with their autism. And altough I think you can build up a proper life despite of autism, I can assure you that the people who don't make it, can't make it because of their autism.
I think it's an awful thing. Especially when your autism doesn't show that much.
People just expect so much more from you than you can deliver.

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