The coming out thread - Take II
 

Taking inspiration from The virgin's deceased thread, I thought it would be a good idea to make a thread where the LGBTQ community of this forum can share their experiences of coming out, so maybe someone who is reading this thread and is still struggling with their sexuality can find courage to do the same if they haven't already.

So I'll begin with my experience. It may be difficult to understand given my rather open attitude towards my sexuality for the majority of my residence at this forum but there was a time when my attitude was the complete opposite.

First of all, I have to say that I was a very late bloomer and hadn't really figured out my sexual preferences until I was in my late teens. I think the moment when I first realized without a doubt that I was attracted to men (or at least fully vocalized this realization) was when I was 17 or 18. I caught a very cute little British film on TV about two boys and their sexual blossoming and was extremely moved by what I saw, which was the first time I had ever seen a positive depiction of gay people and relationships.

I was actually quite shocked by the emotions it stirred up, given that I was raised in a very catholic family and was rather religious myself at the time. I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me and was determined not to let anyone know about it, for fear of rejection by my family, friends and society at large. Worse yet, I thought I could not just ignore it, but with enough determination, and as embarrassing as it sounds today, prayer, I thought I could change. You know, God wouldn't be so cruel and if I'm a very good boy, he would help me out and take these feelings away.

Well, that didn't happen of course. A lot of years passed in this sort of mind set, mostly me ignoring this part of my personality. But then, mostly through television, I began to be more and more exposed to positive examples of gay men and women, I saw a lot of people, not only in fictional TV shows and films, but also on talk shows, real people from my own country who didn't seem to have any problems with who they were and seemed quite well adjusted and guilt free. This helped spark a change in me and I started wondering if this wasn't such a horrible thing after all.

The first forum I ever joined was actually a gay Christians forum in early 2005. I know right, not so long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime. By the time I joined musicbanter I was already approaching the tipping point. I felt much more confident about who I was and telling people on line was the first and crucial step towards coming out in real life.

The first person I told in real life was a friend from highschool. I was too pussy to tell her in person, so I just dropped the bomb over msn. She took it really well. That gave me even more courage to tell other people. I joined a croatian gay forum in early 2006 and very soon after that I made the biggest (and to my mind the most corageous) step, I told my youngest sister, who is the most importaint person in my life and the person I love the most.

I sent her a text at 4am. I was absolutely petrified of her reaction. Those few hours before she replied were the longest and most harrowing of my life. At first she thought I was kidding but then she told me it was cool and that no matter what, I was still her best friend. The moment is still recorded on MB, as well as people's reactions which were uniformly positive. I'm very thankful to MB for being there in those moments...:)

Anyhow, after that it became progressively more easy to tell people, now that I had the support of the people I really cared about. In the meanwhile I've read a lot of very intelligent things from very smart people on my Croatian gay forum which helped transform me into the person I am today. This year I went to my second gay pride parade, I've told my coworkers and a bunch of other people.

The process is not finished though, I still haven't told my parents. I was waiting to become financially independent but it's still a difficult choice to make. I'm still dwelling on the positive and negative sides of telling them. On the one hand, it would be the final blow to the closet and I know I would finally be completely free to live my life to the fullest. On the other hand I have to prepare myself to their (almost certainly) dramatic and negative reactions. That day will come, however, regardless of the fallout. At the end of the day, they are my parents and they deserve to know.


So, anyone else willing to share, please do. :)

I will ask politely now that users refrain from desecrating a positive, thought-provoking thread, keep mockery of users who post here absolutely minimal, and move any flagrantly off-topic discussion to an appropriate locale.

Our gay community deserves a serious thread, and it would be spectacular to keep this thread from being trolled to the depths.

Thank you!

i'm not yet out to my family, formally speaking, cause i do try to have a sort of 'normal' personality inside the house but at work, or when i was still at school, i flaunt everything. i do have brother and sisters but it's the very reason why i opted to go to school that's not the same as theirs. my parents wanted us to go the the same school. i can't because that would mean the same character restriction as i had at home.

now, i'm still living with my parents cause i'm the one supporting them but i still can't even think of opening up. my father kept on asking when can he have his grandson aka the III (3rd), cause i'm a Jr./junior u know. everytime he ask me that, i just smile. my father is already bed-ridden and using a weelchair because of his gout complications and it breaks my heart even more to see him in his state and asking a grandson from me and i know in my heart his wishes can never be materialized.

i can share lots and lots and lots of stories about me struggling being gay and all the hate i just went through but it may take too many pages. but i'm still hoping one day, the butterfly in me will emerge unterrified and strong. char!

I read both of your stories. They're quite touching and poignant in a way. I hope both of you will be able to break it to your parents and still be okay with them.

As for me, I've said before that I'm not LGBTQ in any way, but I do have one sexuality thing that I guess could be classed as 'coming out'. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable tellig this forum though, seeing as I've never told anyone, ever.

Well no matter what, this forum is going to respect you and people on here know the hardships and feelings about dealing with this. I know the idea of telling someone, online or not seems preposterous but you'll be surprised that it will help. I'm sure no one will force it out of you, it takes time and your own pace, but that's the reason this thread is here, a lot of people are willing to help you through anything as best as they can.

Argh, I have no idea why I'd do this, but why the hell not?

Okay, my 'coming out' thing is that I wish I was a girl. And I'm not talking getting a sex change and spending my adulthood as a woman, because that's not what I want. I wish more than anything that I'd been born and raised as a female and enjoyed my entire life as one, and I really have no idea why. I've felt it from an early age (I'd estimate about 7-8) and you would never guess it from looking at me, because I'm not the slightest bit feminine on the outside (and any feminine preferences and thoughts I've had have only been recent developments). In fact, my curse seems to be getting all the negative masculine traits in life while still not actually fitting in to the male side of the spectrum, while simultaneously being shunned from the female side because I look and sound like an ugly creep. So there you have it, the only massive secret I keep, and I've just splurged it out to you all. Thanks guys, I don't think I could call any of you friends or say that I know any of you at all, but it's great to have a place where I can actually admit what I've just said.

I'm not even remotely nonplussed by this. Perhaps this is because I've already experienced a friend undergoing the same realization of self, and consequently undergoing the life changes to apply it to their life best as possible. It was strange to get used to the idea, but ultimately, they are much happier living their life as they do now.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Secrets can be a heavy load and I hope this has lightened yours a bit. :)

So you don't consider a sex change an option at all?

Btw, the T in LGBTQ stands for transgender, or people who feel their true gender doesn't match their biological one...;)

Sadly nto, for various reasons. For one, I want to have lived my entire life as a girl, like I said. Secondly, I'm not in the slightest bit feminine physically, so the process wouldn't suit me at all. Thirdly, I'm not sure how exactly I'd adapt to somethig like that...

Anyway, thanks to everyone for being understanding. Now enough about my issues; I'll leave this for everyone else to express themselves.

I think it shouldn't matter if physically not feminine, or think you don't appear to be. It's how you feel, and when you realize that and accept it, you'll see yourself in the mirror as feminine. You'll look past everything you see isn't right, right now. But thank you for sharing, truly it's brave. =]

but more than your femininity/masculinity, are you attracted to guys?

Well, no. But that's not what I was getting at.

ok. apologies.
perhaps i need more understanding on some lgbt issues that are related to gender confusion rather than the sexual orientation itself.

My friend (formerly a he, now a she) also is not attracted to men. It's not always so simple.

The person who has made some of my effect pedals is a transgender (male>female) as well and she still likes women. I honestly didn't know she was transgender till she came out with a video a few days ago and I was shocked. I found her to be quite cute, but that didn't stop me from thinking that way after I found out. ;)

So yesterday I told my best friend I'm bisexual.

I had been debating whether or not to tell him for a while, cause on one hand I thought having someone know and someone to talk to about it would be really great, but on the other, if he's not cool with it he could stop being my friend forever or worse, he could tell other people which could lead to high school being absolute ****.

But anyways yesterday he was at my house chilling and I just told him pretty plainly. He actually took it better than I expected, he didn't get all freaked out, he just thought it was kind of weird but he said he still liked me as much as he did before. There was a period a few months ago where my group of friends all though I was gay because of some things I did when I was drunk. He said that he had some thoughts but he never really thought I was bisexual.

So far he's the only person I've told and for now I'd like to keep it that way. He's probably the most open-minded person I know, and telling him was scary enough. I probably won't tell anyone else till I go to college, especialy not my parents.

Many beautiful stories in this thread. I'm so proud to see so many very brave MB members. Reading this thread made me tear up a bit. I think I'll go ahead and share my story as well.

When I was a kid, I was a little different. They called me a "tomboy", but that label was pretty much assigned to any female who played sports when I was younger, so I just went with it.

I noticed something a little bit weird when I was in fourth grade or so. Many of the other little girls were gravitating towards little boys, and that felt weird to me. And up through seventh grade or so, the friendships that made me get butterflies in my stomach were all with girls.

Finally, one day we had a sex ed class and they were explaining sexuality. I am still upset at the immaturity with which the majority of my class greeted the subject matter. After that course, I realized that the teacher had been describing something I thought was weird about myself to a tee, and realized that I was gay. The other kids, though...they started almost a "witch hunt" after that class. They looked for anyone different, and called them "gay", "****", "homo", etc. and I desperately tried to avoid their wrath.

I "dated" boys throughout junior high, and even made out with them even though I knew that I didn't enjoy it. Anything to keep the rest of the kids from ostracizing me and calling me names. The way they made it seem, being gay was like being a leper; it was disgusting, it was contagious, and it was something to be avoided and loathed.

In high school, I still dated guys, but whenever the relationship would start to progress, I would find any excuse to end it. Once, I even dumped a guy because we went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, and I claimed he had jealousy issues because he was mad that I was ogling Captain Jack Sparrow; I was really ogling Keira Knightley.

Finally, college happened, and suddenly everyone was okay with people being gay or being different. In fact, it was embraced. I was still wary about actually coming out, but it was a little less scary. Facebook was BRAND NEW then, almost exclusively used to message people in ones' classes or find a hookup for the evening. I listed my interested in on facebook as male and female, because bisexuality seemed like it was easier to identify as when I was still trying to come out...but I only used it to find female hook-ups. :)

When I was 18, I finally came out to a few close friends as being fully gay. Most of their responses were akin to, "Yeah, we know, but we're proud of you for being brave enough to come out," and I felt great about that.

Finally, I had to come out to my family. I was 19.

Part of my coming out was getting a role in The Laramie Project, although I'm not sure why that was a necessary part of the process of telling my family. The day after the show, at around three in the morning, I walked into my then 17 year old sister's room.

After about an hour of awkwardly rambling on about anything that popped into my head except for what I'd gone in there to say, I finally burst into tears and sunk to the floor and said, "I'm gay."

There was a brief pause, and then my sister said, "We know already. We were just waiting for you to tell us." and then we joked about it, and she proceeded to give me every article of her clothing which had anything resembling a rainbow on it, just as her way to show me she was okay with it, and it didn't change anything. She did tell me that I needed to tell mom too, when I was ready, and I thought there was no time like the present.

Unfortunately, I was still too much of a chicken to do it face to face, so I wrote her a letter and stuck it under her windshield wipers. I woke up in the morning to find a couple of pieces of white computer paper folded up into a square, with my name written on it in my mom's handwriting on my bedside table.

This was in 2006, and I still have the letter she wrote me back. I will transcribe it here:

God your mom sounds awesome.

Your mums letter was literally amazing. It was so nice.

Omg, that is so sweet!

I love this thread.

I would like to apologize to the people that actually take this thread seriously. It seems that in the last thread I sort of scoffed at the idea of this thread in its predecessor thread.

I was wrong to do that. Regardless of whatever misconceptions I may have had about this sort of thing that letter posted by ThePhanataismo. That was an awesome letter.

Phanastasio, you are so lucky you have a mom as awesome as that. imagine if all parents are like that, how young children wouldn't have to go through all the difficulty of growing up as gay. and perhaps more young gay people would be spared from committing or even thinking about suicide.

i applaud you're mother very much. she's truely one of a kind.!
:bowdown:

apologize my as*

my coming out story:-

well, basically I had overactive hormones since I reached puberty, before I entered secondary school (Grade 12 upwards), I was always fantasising about girls

when I got to the school, i was extremely disappointed it was all boys

around 14 or so, i still keep pursuing girls in my tuition class

then around 15 or so, i felt abnormally attracted to this effeminate boy in my class and won't stop disturbing him

around 18 or so, I saw a Leon Lai (Hong Kong) concert and starting feeling waves of sexual adulation or whatnot

so that's that - i'm bi, although getting a lot of straight sex does seem to ease the homosexual longings in me

I think its nice to see this thread treated with the respect it deserved originally. I think Phanastacio's story is one that is often rare, and not because of the understanding point of view of her mother. I think its due to the courage it really takes to tell your parents as Marijan described. There might be millions of more understanding parents out there ready to embrace the path their gay sons and daughter have chosen to go down with their life.

It takes alot of courage and alot of understanding on both sides. Nice to see that her mother was so great and values her daughter as more then a sexual being but a DAUGHTER, which is the most important thing. Bravo for those that have already shown the courage to embrace their sexuality, but more importantly bravo to those who will come out eventually and take their lives out of the closet and into their families hearts.

I hope I will not be punished for excessive use of the word bravo. Good day.

I'm just going to say that this will be all over the place and choppy at some points because I never really in depth told my coming out. It was always in simple terms. So...onward!


I grew up with three older brothers, I am the youngest and only girl. My madre (R.I.P) always wanted a daughter, and she said she wouldn't stop until had one. So needless to say, it was a lot of pressure on myself. She would always dress me up in clothes that I did not feel comfortable with, fix my hair, when I got a little older, she'd put make-up on me. I really hated it all. I was starting to feel a lot of anger towards her as she kept trying to push me to dress like a girl and act like one. Pretty much preschool-third grade she pushed her feminine ways at me. Picture day was the worst day of my life because that's when she'd really "doll" me up. I didn't like what she did to hair, and once I left the house and got to school, I'd mess it up and I started to feel so insecure about myself. But around first grade or so that's when it started, I suppose. I'd chase girls around playfully. I'd always try and hang out with my older brothers and their friends. I was definitely labeled as a "tomboy" as I grew older. Probably around fourth grade my mom quit trying to make me wear girl clothes and let me shop in the boys department. And around this time when I was venturing on wanting to be a boy, I think started to get incredibly sad and possible disappointed because her baby girl, her only girl did not want to act like one, dress like one. I remember being like six or seven and I went into the bathroom and I lifted up the toilet seat and I stood in front of it and tried to pee like a boy did, I discovered (back then) that I had to literally stand over it for it to successfully target it in there and not get it on the floor. I did this several times, feeling pretty good about myself.

Fourth grade was when I had a crush on a girl who I also became super close to. It felt weird as being a girl. But I friggin' prayed when I went to sleep that I'd wake up and be a boy so I could go out with other girls. I wanted to be a boy so badly. I lay in bed and think of all the weird possibilities of how I could wake up to be a boy, I'd think of being born a boy, or I'd think of waking up a boy and slip outside and come back in and magically be a part of the family and they'd accept that their daughter wasn't there anymore. I eventually stopped thinking that way. But sixth grade came and I had a major crush on my teacher, she was a younger teacher which I thought was cool, she was only about twenty seven or so. I even had a dream we were together. Then ninth grade came and in science class a girl walked in late, and I've seen her before many times, but that day she just looked pretty amazing, I had fantasize that her and I would go into the bathroom stall and "get down"

Oh I forgot to mention from about thirteen to fifteen I was online all the time, in Harry Potter chat rooms on yahoo and made some girlfriends because I was pretending to be a guy online. I probably had five girlfriends. I didn't regret it at all, because I was happy and they were happy. But I eventually realized that I wasn't a boy, and those girls didn't deserve the lies so I told them.

Tenth grade I started realizing my attraction towards girls. I didn't know what to do. I was a very quiet person, didn't talk much at all (still don't but I've improved) And then....the L word came on Showtime. I actually watched that show with my parental units, they really loved it. It was awkward, of course, to watch the sex scenes with them but we moved passed it. Now I did date boys... I did not like it at all, but I knew that I had to be abide my family because that's what girls are suppose to do. I dated probably four boys. Nothing happened, I wouldn't let it. They were just there on display to satisfy my family. In high school though I did not date anyone. Anyway, back to the L word. The first season just ended, my parental units and I were staying in a motel, and I had my own little room and they had theirs. I got up and walked out and my mom was reading her silly gossip magazines and I sat on her bed, she sat up and I was just quiet, she asked what was wrong and it took me a moment, but she was patient. And then I told her, but I came out as being bisexual. My mom said she had her suspicions but she said she still loved me and that all she wants is for her kids to be happy. But I couldn't tell my dad, him and I had a good relationship, when my older brothers got older they didn't really want to hang out with my dad, so him and I would play catch with a football, frisbee, baseball. And we'd go to the movies every Friday or Saturday when my mom would go to bingo. So I couldn't tell him, and my mom did. And he accepted it just the same and said he knew too. (oh did I mention back then, I had a clear notebook and you could stick stuff inside it, anyway, I had Sandra Bullock plastered all over it...)

And then I was sixteen, and I met a girl online on a L word forum. We had a long distance relationship and I had known forever that I wasn't bisexual. So while being with the girl, I told my mom and I also said I wasn't bisexual, she said she knew. And then it came to tell my brothers... I told my oldest brother first. We walked into Albertson's (A grocery store) and we sat down at a table, and I just said. He was shocked but still supportive and then made jokes about how we need to find me a girl to which I said I already had one. I told him that I wanted to tell my other two brothers myself. Except, in my family holding onto something doesn't happen, word gets around in a rapid manner. So they knew by the time I told them. I told the youngest brother when we dropped my mom off at bingo, he said he knew, he thought I was going through "a phase" he was the only one that had difficulties with it. It took me a lot longer to tell the second older brother because him and I had a relationship that we didn't have with our other siblings. He already knew of course, so when I told him, he just thanked me for telling him myself and he loved me just the same.

Even though my mom said she still loved me, it took her a very long time to accept that I wouldn't be wearing her wedding dress and give her grandchildren because I made it clear that I wouldn't want to get pregnant.

Eighteen, I moved to be with the girl I was in a LDR with and then I had a time where I was going through a transgender time. The girl I was with, supported me. My family...did not know what to think about that...they didn't disown me but they didn't really support me, except the second oldest brother. My mom flipped her biscuits and just cried and cried. I felt guilty because all my life I had to weight of pressure of being a girl because that's all she wanted. But as the years went on, my mom and I grew into a great relationship. To her I was still a lesbian that she accepted and loved. She only just died last month.

Now at 23, I'm just me. I feel comfortable in knowing that I'm androgynous and I get mistaken for a boy by strangers and I'm okay with that. I do not correct anyone when it come to my gender.

Sorry for the long ass story...

I'm glad to see you finally came out to one of your friends, DoctorSoft. I think I remember hearing you talking about it a while back and about how your friends had suspicions of your sexuality.... It's good that he took it well.

Thanks a lot man, it was really worth it. :)

*sniff* FUCKING HELL. *sniff*
That is beautiful.

Yes, congratulations doctorsoft, a major step for you. :) Hopefully it won't stop there, but everything in its own time aye...:)

I think it's important to note the immense feeling of liberation that comes from admitting the truth to your loved ones. Definitely makes it worth the while to take that dreadful plunge. There's always a risk that they won't react very well but ultimately it's a good test of their true devotion to you. Because I think we can all do without the people who only care about us based on a skewed notion of who we are.

And thank you to _____ for sharing your story with us. Touching on one of the things you said, I had a similar reaction from my middle sister (whom I told a few months after my youngest sister), she was convinced that I'd got this "idea" from the internet and wanted to argue with me that I "couldn't really know I'm not attracted to girls until I've slept with one". I lol-ed of course and asked her how she knew she wasn't attracted to girls? No reply to that one...;) We then proceeded to avoid the subject for a few years, but now she's making jokes about it, how much I suck at fashion and am generally useless as a gay brother...:)

My oldest sister was a more difficult nut to crack, since she's so much older than us (she's 40 now) and therefore the most conservative. She didn't make a big drama about it when I told her but she did tell me flat out that she didn't "agree" with it and outright forbade me to ever tell our parents. Last year I went to my first pride parade and she managed to call me while I was on the bus to the capital so I told her where I was going. I got a cold "ok", then she hung up and proceeded to make a huge drama to my youngest and middle sister back at home about how selfish I was being and how I don't think about what this would do the the rest of the family if it ever got out. Fantastic reaction from someone who is supposed to care more about me than what others think. This year she again caught me on the way to the capital for another pride parade but she was a lot more mellow. She just sighed and I told her to get used it because I definitely don't plan to hide in the privacy of my own home...

It's interesting to note that ALL of them were completely taken by surprise when I told them, which I think is rather odd since I'm not exactly the archetype of masculinity and have never been seen with a girl. I guess I got away with it by being tall, skinny and hopelessly awkward...:\

So...small steps but we're all getting there...:)

Adidasss, Houston's gay pride parade was this weekend. Maybe you should have waited to visit.

put me in the same bracket as Brett Anderson

"bisexual who's never had a proper homosexual experience"

You're gay? I thought you were asexual?

That's good to hear man. I hope where ever you go to college is a more open place. :)

I'm actually kind of glad. My experience with friends coming out led them to over compensate and act like total asses. I don't think I need to tell you that you shouldn't feel like you need to act a certain way for people to get your sexual preferences. To be honest, sexual preference doesn't mean a thing, people just make out to be big. College is usually a better place in terms of more open minded people, I still feel just as miserable here though.

Way to go man! Glad you're comfortable enough to come out to the rest of the site :)

I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to tell us this, and I hope that the college you attend has a more inviting atmosphere than the community you live in right now. Way to go :)

Being unsure of your sexuality and not wanting to expose it is pretty understandable.