Either that or your parents visited when you weren't home. Your mother gave you Hot Pockets and your dad tried to fix your light switch.

That's sexist.

Probably the FBI installing a surveillance device to monitor you while you're at home. :cool:

The agent was most likely a rookie and didn't do a thorough job.

The Hot Pockets are probably laced with some type of drug. I'd throw those out ASAP.

TFW you try to spit in your trash can but it hits the wall.

omg men are so ****ing gross

In my defense I'm getting over a cold and coughing up so much throat splooge it's gotta go somewhere.

Couldn't make it to the bathroom?

I'm not going the the bathroom every 30 seconds.

Not yet

I go to the bathroom once every couple hours but it's for like a half hour cause I bring comics to read. Pisses my mom the **** off tbh.

You could have gone for a pun there but no
My disappointment is immeasurable

The self-clowning wasn't enough for you?

Consider my high demands a sign of high esteem.

Consider my low accomplishments a sign of low esteem.

Tfw you have one blueberry left on the plate and you try to stab it with a fork and it jumps off the plate, on to the floor, and rolls under the fridge as you think to yourself: "I hope you have a good life under there buddy. Go now. Go and become penicillin".

I thought you were gonna feel: "I knew this wouldnt work, why havent I learned after the 100th time and just used my hands!"

I used to just snort em.

Blowberries?

Blewberries. Past tense.

Tfw the owner of the company's son comes into your office, looks at your computer screens and says: "It's weird that you know all this ****. You're ****ing weird".

Only stupid people think that, Junior.

Shoulda hit him with an "ok boomer"

yep

Can't stand the little pipsqueak. Nepotism sucks.

"Well if you did maybe you wouldn't have to work at your dad's company."

I think it's weird that the company somehow has a son and some dude somehow owns him.

I saw that. Left it anyway. Knew you'd be here to point it out.

I don't understand... Can you clarify your post?

Can you clarify ever single post of yours?

Yes, I can. Thank you.

Tfw your daughter who is still learning how to write texts you from her mother's phone "I love you so c u m"

Did you crank one out?

TFW you have a co-worker who always shows up to work and starts telling the most boring, pointless stories with far too much obnoxious energy. I wouldn't care either way that you walked into KFC and got offered a job but why on earth did you act like the ending needed suspense and buildup?

"Oh I'm just a good storyteller!"

Nah bitch you need to get to the point is what's going on right now.

*points to elph's ex-girlfriend's purse*

Such a crass term. I prefer "did you splooge out your baby batter?"

"shake hands with the governor"

"Making pearl jam"

Tfw you figure out the reason you've been getting headaches and have a gnarly cough is because of a cracked oil filter housing in your vehicle. Going back to the first time I had to fill my coolant reservoir, and not knowing why, it was around this time last year. Then back in October or so, I discovered a leak and after some research deduced that it was the oil filter housing, which is a known issue from using plastic where the housing meets the manifold. I had to wait until after the holidays to spend the money on the repairs, and I finally got it done by my friend for cheap. The dam thing is sandwiched between the upper and lower intake manifolds, so you have to take the entire top of the motor off to get to it.

I had been breathing in a mixture of both motor oil and engine coolant for almost a year. Not good. It's only been a few days and I'm already feeling like things are clearing up in my lungs, nose, and throat.

The job was done in a few hours and I drove very slowly and baby'ed it for a couple days to give the new gaskets some time to seal properly. Then, when I felt it was ok to give it some gas and drive like normal it wouldn't go over 50 without jittering and feeling like it needed an alignment really bad, which it didn't. So, after a few angry calls to my buddy, and then taking it back to his garage, we decided the ABS system was acting up because he never reset the sensors. This thing is basically one huge computer so it just needed to reboot. I disconnected the positive cable and went and messed around, then came back about 40 minutes later, reconnected it and voila. I know I warped those rotors before I figured it all out too, which sucks because those were brand spanking new. The left side was glowing red at one point though, and that's where it all clicked. I still have a thin layer of coolant and oil on the inside of my windshield I need to clean off.

What a cluster ****.

I drive with the windows down in all weather unless my AC works and it doesn’t and won’t.

The vapor from all that hitting the hot engine block runs right through the vehicles blower and into the cabin. Even with the windows down you're still breathing it. Not as much though.

Besides, it's 20 degrees right now. Windows are staying up. Thank you very much.

https://cdn11.bigcommerce.com/s-ydri...=2&imbypass=on

Our windchill hit that this morning so there

The cops will pull you over if your windows are down when it’s too cold though because that’s a drug thing