^ seriously. when i dumped my ex he was like "but i was gonna give you babies" and i literally gagged

TFW a girl at work who isn't trying to have any more kids but gets pregnant anyway and isn't into that abortion lifestyle but omg the jokes just keep coming. And yeah, Maury got brought out.

You would probably have needed to check where he was getting them from, though.

Tfw you cannot even walk one mile to run an errand (or just, y'know, enjoy a sunset or something) without being harassed twice and having an anxiety attack behind a Hobby Lobby as a result

Don't let the assholes of the world get to you. Stay awesome.

Don't let them get your goat before you even get any.

TFW:

You're making toast in your new toaster/toaster oven thingy, and suddenly realize that you've been stashing your bag of weed in the oven section.

Was able to salvage about 90% of it.

Toast was killer for what it's worth.

TFW you pick a really gnarly booger, marvel at its fractal structure, eat it, but then you realize there's a nose hair in it. Gross.

i...is.... are... joking?

No.

Compared to some of the stuff he's posted, this is fine dining.