Feeling useless can be pretty sweet though. When you feel divorced from everyone's expectations you kind of get to bathe in yourself in a way you can't when you have to keep your crazy under wraps to function in normal society.

That was a huge part of the appeal of living in north east Asia. No one expects you to be in any way normal or functional.

In America it’s more disconcerting. It shouldn’t matter to me but it still affects my self-esteem. I’ve tried extraordinarily hard to disconnect productivity to self worth. It’s just that when you are rewarded by the group it’s hard not to let your pleasure receptors soak in it. Then you’re addicted and when it’s gone you suffer. And suffer. And suffer. It’s very hard to get beyond that.

It’s difficult when you have some people telling you you have an impressive resume and other people don’t seem to care or want anything to do with you.

I guess they must have met you.

Wouldn’t this depend on what you mean be “creative”?

You know as much as I want to get the **** out of my job I also hate change. But now that I've gotten a phone number off one manager for a recommendation while telling them not to mention it to my boss cause I don't trust him not to be a dickhead about me looking for a new job after the screwing me out of overtime thing I kind of have to leave or I'll look like a bitch. That's good?

Just ****ing do it, dude. You could get a much better job. I assure you that you'll adapt to where ever you go and you'll probably get paid better.

I'm doing it, but I just have this thing where after a few days anything I set my mind to I stop setting my mind to. I'm just glad I've now got cred on the line.

It's called anxiety.

Honestly not entirely. I get up in arms, and then the up in arms fades and I'm just kinda bland on the thing I was up in arms about. It's more about not being able to sustain enthusiasm regardless of how important the thing is, even if it's a thing that has massive repercussions to my own life.