Hate Work Thread

[Chiomara]

Originally Posted by The Batlord

I think there might have been one or two, but they didn't have much effect. I'm currently on... something meant to help with epilepsy that's also used to treat bipolar disorder. Helped some, especially with the spirals of negative thoughts, but I think it's effectiveness is starting to subside, and while it helped with my overall mood it never did anything to my actual personality to make me motivated to do anything. Why would it I guess?

So lamictal then I assume. Yeah, that isn't too effective taken by itself. Made my brain feel fuzzy. Those of us with long-term clinical depression and the resulting soul-crushing apathy (..and depersonalization and disconnectedness and everything that comes with it) need a cocktail of different medications it seems.

I only ever felt true, lasting motivation when I was on a super high dose of Wellbutrin and Adderall AND Seroquel (to cancel out the wellbutrin-induced mania + panic attacks). But antipsychotics are extremely expensive, and psychiatrists are expensive, and it takes so much time and so much tinkering over the course of many months or years to find something that makes your broken brain click back into place-- I can understand why most of us just don't want to bother. Especially if you don't even have health insurance. It is so difficult to find or do anything that can even make a dent in severe depression. I don't think non-sufferers will ever understand it. It's like being encased within several layers of fog and mud. And it literally changes your brain physically over time, too, so it's not as if we're all just being over-dramatic and not trying hard enough to bulldoze through 583,544 layers of apathy and depression with forced cheerfulness.

(The most crushing thing, I think, are those occasional moments of sudden, searing lucidity where you have a string of epiphanies and the barest spark of.. something, I guess, while knowing it will not last, and that you will forget by morning and repeat the cycle endlessly.)

And antidepressants usually don't affect anxiety, so, there's that too. And doctors assume you're a drug addict and refuse if you ask for an anti anxiety that actually WORKS without side effects or grogginess like Klonopin. Ugh.

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

The problem with suicide is that when you start getting serious about it you realize that it's going to be really hard not to make it into to some kind of big ordeal. It takes a lot of get up and go. I wish it were easier to die through non-action instead of action. Like starving yourself instead of ingesting a poison. It's bull**** that it's so ****ing hard to have yourself put down as a simple medical procedure. Even that would be so much ****ing work. Shooting yourself seems easy until you find out how easy it is to **** up. Jump off a bridge. Yeah. You gotta drive there. Climb on the edge. Feel the wind. Look down. Heart races. Work work work.

Very true. Standing on the ledge of a building is not nearly as easy as it seems in your head. The second you see the ground and all the cars and lights your brain and body start screaming at you to get down, nearly overriding your desire to die. I can understand why carbon monoxide suicide (using camping stoves or whatever) methods are more popular.. You can just go to sleep. But yes, any method involves quite a bit of preparation.
I really wish assisted suicide were legal in more states.

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

They were garnishing his wages. It is laziness but if you've never felt disconnected like that you're not going to get it. It's really weird. Real depersonalization is like becoming a piece of furniture or something.

Depersonalization is the woooooorst. Like you're just an automaton. There is seemingly nothing that helps it either. No pill or anything. And meditation (and other things that normal, well-meaning but misguided people might suggest) makes it worse. It feels especially awful when it happens in a very large and crowded public place. There is this almost sinister, overwhelming feeling of wrongness during, too that's just undulating beneath everything and spreading under your skin. Impossible to explain to anyone either.


Edit-- I may be lucky in that my depression has lessened over the past few years; my main problems now are the OCD and body dysmorphia thing and the paralyzing, delusional anxiety that comes with those things. Also does anyone else find that they feel much worse during certain months? I'm not talking about seasonal depression necessarily. Like with me for instance I feel the worst in November, February and July. Every single year. Makes no sense.