Imo it's just more insecurity to be uncomfortable hearing about exes.

Nah, there's nothing like that. We are non-monogamous, and I don't care about future **** partners but this had me questioning her judgement in like, every way lol. Sometimes I just have kneejerk reactions to things that are rooted in my own insecurities, and after being in a monogamous relationship the past 7 years I'm still learning and working on those things. Like I said, lizard brain **** that I acknowledge as lizard brained. I can't fault myself for having those thoughts but I can step away and see them for what they are and then respond to them in a way that is calm and mindful and healthy rather than emotionally and egotistically.

@ Chio, I am also very wary of people who always surrounded by crazies and assholes. That's not what's happening here, fortunately. She has a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship, often beginning the next before ending the first, so like I see the flags for sure, and that's why I don't want to be in a "relationship" with her, and why she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone until she's spent time being comfortable alone. I support it.

I thought when you said broad broke your heart it had something to do with her not being over the ex

Anyway, old habits die hard and if you are accustomed to monogamy that's a hard mind set to break.

I still think the questioning of her judgement is more rooted in jealously than anything else. "She wanted a relationship with that but not me?" = You seeking validation through her. I can completely relate to that feeling which is why I'm saying that.

Different broad lol. Yeah I hear you, I just wanted to be clear that i came to that conclusion as well and am working past it rather than dwelling in it.

Best of luck to you. This **** ain't meant to be easy.

That’s different than doing a full archeological dig looking for patterns.

Nah. It’s insecure to be all wantin to know. One way or the other everybody is going to leave you. Or you them. If there’s a good story then fine but doing a background check is nowhere. So is turning in your relationship resume.

It's a false dichotomy to say that either you're uncomfortable hearing about it or "all wanting to know."
Your discomfort is insecurity based on your possessive conception of your relationship to that person and the inherent threat posed by hearing about the competition. Imo.

Suck my ding dong Freud.

Now that's what I call a Freudian slip.

I think that's way too harsh a judgement. I agree that people who have lots of abusive partners are generally damaged, either to begin with (childhood trauma) or because of those relaionships, but that doesn't mean they can't be wonderful people, or make great partners. We're all damaged in some way and have our user manuals, (some more complicated than others) but not necessarily in a harmful way. Some people turn the trauma around too. And they might be in a process of healing and be ready to have kind partners; breaking the cycle of abuse is possible, but not if no one gives you a chance.

@WWWP I do think the 'I'm not ready for a relationship because of my abusive ex' is a red flag, but I can't judge, like Charles said. Just be careful, even if you're not calling it a relationship or if you're comfortable with not being monogamous. Sounds like you're being sensible enough about it though.

you have 13,000 posts on a music forum

Oof.mp4

I'm damaged goods until I can find the gold to put my pieces together.

Then I'll be a beautiful kintsugi man.

I swear on the music of John Coltrane and the Ramones that is not true.

You got this one super twisted bro

It might be true that a woman or any person that has been abused might make bad relationship choices as a consequence

But you have to find the kindness in you that’s so strong when you share your that love it will help the abuse victim transcend that mindset of self-hate and pain

People want tenderness and kindness and gentle forgiving healing love

I swear I’m not wrong

If there’s one thing ever I want you to trust me on it’s this

^truth.

It’s not dude. It’s win win.

I’m not just saying it because I want it to be true. It is true.

You’re strong enough

God some of you have such a black and white view on the matter. (I am looking at you elph.) Obviously it depends on the person. Don't write off an entire person because they have an abusive past. I have met countless people who are incredibly mature, self-aware, well-adjusted and empathetic who had horrific childhoods and/or an abusive ex-spouse or whatever. And plenty of people with idyllic childhoods who experienced no great misfortune/abuse yet are garbage, bitter, toxic people.
It depends on so many things. Obviously yes some young person in their early 20s with a string of abusive/vaguely-abusive exes may not yet have the self-awareness and emotional maturity (and therapy etc) needed to not keep falling into the same roles/dynamic and getting retraumatized and revictimized repeatedly, but that's partly to be expected because at that age you're still basically a baby.

Also!!! If one has actually BEEN in an abusive relationship, you'd know that the abusive person often seems totally charming and normal at first! They have to reel people in somehow, duh. They don't become unhinged right off the bat usually. And when you're young you aren't as good as listening to your intuition, especially if you have low self esteem already, which makes it even easier to be reeled in by those types despite alarms going off deep in your reptile brain.

That's a good point, especially if people have psychopathic tendencies they'll often be incredibly charming at first. Sometimes to such an extent that there aren't even any red flags to make alarms go off.

And abusers and victimizers often have an uncanny knack for spotting vulnerable people.

Yes exactly, I talked about that in my post in here before my last one. About how they can sense them from miles away.

In one book I read about Ted Bundy it said he could sometimes temporarily win over trained professionals who already knew what he had done.

Legit the worst thing you've ever said. Like, jesus christ.
WHY ARE MEN?!?!?!?

That doesn't surprise me. Or it can be a case of almost split personalities, my ex-stepfather was like that. The guy switched between charm incarnate (which I'm pretty sure was genuine most of the time) and scary devil in an uncanny way. And there's no way anyone who knows him superficially can tell
like he said, it's just personal bitterness, but he has no business trying to spread it. Ffs listen to Hawk and don't give up on love and women, Elph.

PSA: Unless I say specifically that I am needing advice (which I won't ever do, I don't trust any of you) don't assume that when I pose questions or share things from my experience that I am having trouble with something, or that I'm asking for your input on my relationships, or that I have some issue that you're going to be the one to solve lol. I was just asking for different perspectives I DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE yall constantly read me wrong anyway.

God, yes so many are like that. Literally my dad (a human disaster)

There’s women ****tier than elph.

I’d rather elph see it’s not true than railroad him.

Unfortunately a lot of people have that misconception.

ok?

Or do, for their sake

My dad too! Omg queer Bad Dad Club

I’ll be sure make a clear distinction in the future then

... damn girl

queer Bad Dad Club!!!! Literally. We all need matching jackets with that emblazoned on the back.

there's a thin line between different perspectives and advice, tbf. Just keep in mind that no one is trying to patronise you, it's mostly caring.

What does this mean?

I don't feel patronized at all, I'm just communicating that I don't like it. I think you can have a dialogue about pretty much anything without offering unsolicited advice. I was really just curious what others would have to say, but it turned into me having to clarify misinterpreted information about the girl I'm seeing. I thought I worded my question in a way that made it clear it was about comparing opinions, not seeking advice. It's all good, I'm just setting that boundary.

That I'm "new" to women I think lol

But what do I know, I'm just damaged goods.

Since when did men stop getting beat up and ****?

Are you trying to troll?

Of course, I know that offering unsolicited advice is generally not a good idea. This place doesn't bring out the most subtle communication skills in people though. Cheers for setting boundaries.

@everyone, keep it cool