The Classics of Literature Rewritten by OccultHawk - Music Banter Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Community Center > Media
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-11-2018, 11:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
Born to be mild
 
Trollheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: 404 Not Found
Posts: 26,970
Default The Classics of Literature Rewritten by OccultHawk

Given OH's dismissal of my writing, and his already avowed distaste for the kind of exposition favoured by the likes of Dickens and Hugo (I think the actual quote was "Stop ****ing around and just tell me the story, ****!" or something typically Hawkish) I thought it might be fun to explore how he would have written some of the classics of literature, leaving out all what he would consider "the boring ****" and distilling each novel down to its barest essence.

OLIVER TWIST (CHARLES DICKENS)
An orphan boy finds he's fallen in with some bad guys, but he has rich parents so he's all right in the end.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (LEWIS CARROLL)
Some dumb blonde thinks she's having adventures underground but it turns out she's just been dreaming, stupid bitch.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS (LEWIS CARROLL)
Same ****, except instead of falling down a rabbit hole she goes through a mirror.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (JANE AUSTEN)
Some bird isn't attracted to some bloke, then she is and they get married.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR (GEORGE ORWELL)
Some guy tries to stand up to the system. The system kicks the **** out of him.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (H.G WELLS)
Guy goes forward in time but ****s things up and gets stuck there.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (CHARLES DICKENS)
An old guy is real mean, but then three ghosts pay him a visit and he becomes good.

Feel free to add your own.
__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018
Trollheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 11:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
Zum Henker Defätist!!
 
The Batlord's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Beating GNR at DDR and keying Axl's new car
Posts: 48,216
Default

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by J.R.R. Tolkien
There is only one bright spot and that is the growing habit of disgruntled men of dynamiting factories and power-stations; I hope that, encouraged now as ‘patriotism’, may remain a habit! But it won’t do any good, if it is not universal.
The Batlord is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 12:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
SOPHIE FOREVER
 
Frownland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East of the Southern North American West
Posts: 35,548
Default

This thread is best paired with coq au vin to balance out the bitter notes.
__________________
Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Frownland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 01:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Aalborg
Posts: 7,636
Default

So OccultHawk doesn't like purple prose or long descriptions of environments and characters, or what's this about?
MicShazam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 01:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
.
 
grindy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: .
Posts: 7,201
Default

**** you all.
I lol'd. A little.
Go Troll!
Hope this takes off.
__________________
A smell of petroleum prevails throughout.
grindy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 01:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
Born to be mild
 
Trollheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: 404 Not Found
Posts: 26,970
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MicShazam View Post
So OccultHawk doesn't like purple prose or long descriptions of environments and characters, or what's this about?
Exactly. He complains about Dickens waffling too much, so I thought I'd envision how he would have handled such literature classics. IDGAF, it's all a bit of fun. He can dish it out so I'm sure he can take it.

#RubberSoul2018Never4Get
__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018
Trollheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 02:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
Zum Henker Defätist!!
 
The Batlord's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Beating GNR at DDR and keying Axl's new car
Posts: 48,216
Default

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by J.R.R. Tolkien
There is only one bright spot and that is the growing habit of disgruntled men of dynamiting factories and power-stations; I hope that, encouraged now as ‘patriotism’, may remain a habit! But it won’t do any good, if it is not universal.
The Batlord is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 02:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
one-balled nipple jockey
 
OccultHawk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dirty Souf Biatch
Posts: 22,033
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trollheart View Post
Given OH's dismissal of my writing, and his already avowed distaste for the kind of exposition favoured by the likes of Dickens and Hugo (I think the actual quote was "Stop ****ing around and just tell me the story, ****!" or something typically Hawkish) I thought it might be fun to explore how he would have written some of the classics of literature, leaving out all what he would consider "the boring ****" and distilling each novel down to its barest essence.

OLIVER TWIST (CHARLES DICKENS)
An orphan boy finds he's fallen in with some bad guys, but he has rich parents so he's all right in the end.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (LEWIS CARROLL)
Some dumb blonde thinks she's having adventures underground but it turns out she's just been dreaming, stupid bitch.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS (LEWIS CARROLL)
Same ****, except instead of falling down a rabbit hole she goes through a mirror.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (JANE AUSTEN)
Some bird isn't attracted to some bloke, then she is and they get married.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR (GEORGE ORWELL)
Some guy tries to stand up to the system. The system kicks the **** out of him.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (H.G WELLS)
Guy goes forward in time but ****s things up and gets stuck there.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (CHARLES DICKENS)
An old guy is real mean, but then three ghosts pay him a visit and he becomes good.

Feel free to add your own.
You’re a quick study. That’s easily the best **** you ever came up with.

I need a breather before I try to retort. You just pulled off seven genuinely funny jokes in a row. Every one of those rewrites is a bullseye.

OK I got one

Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)

A woman realized life sucks so she killed herself.
__________________

2016 2017 2018 2019 2020

Member of the Year & Journal of the Year Champion

Behold the Writing of THE LEGEND:

https://www.musicbanter.com/members-...p-lighter.html

OccultHawk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 02:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
Born to be mild
 
Trollheart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: 404 Not Found
Posts: 26,970
Default

THE LORD OF THE RINGS (JRR TOLKIEN)

Some little guy has to destroy this ring cos an old peado told him to. He drops it into a volcano.

WAR AND PEACE (LEO TOLSTOY)

First there was war, then there was peace.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES (CHARLES DICKENS)

They're London and Paris.

ROBINSON CRUSOE (DANIEL DEFOE)

A man gets shipwrecked on an island, but ensures good old racism survives.

THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK (ALEXANDER DUMAS)

A man gets locked into a tower and has to wear an iron mask. He doesn't get back out and he dies.
__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018
Trollheart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2018, 02:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
one-balled nipple jockey
 
OccultHawk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dirty Souf Biatch
Posts: 22,033
Default

Ulysses (James Joyce)

A lot of **** happens in the course of a single day.
__________________

2016 2017 2018 2019 2020

Member of the Year & Journal of the Year Champion

Behold the Writing of THE LEGEND:

https://www.musicbanter.com/members-...p-lighter.html

OccultHawk is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2024 Advameg, Inc.