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Old 03-11-2018, 11:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Classics of Literature Rewritten by OccultHawk

Given OH's dismissal of my writing, and his already avowed distaste for the kind of exposition favoured by the likes of Dickens and Hugo (I think the actual quote was "Stop ****ing around and just tell me the story, ****!" or something typically Hawkish) I thought it might be fun to explore how he would have written some of the classics of literature, leaving out all what he would consider "the boring ****" and distilling each novel down to its barest essence.

OLIVER TWIST (CHARLES DICKENS)
An orphan boy finds he's fallen in with some bad guys, but he has rich parents so he's all right in the end.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (LEWIS CARROLL)
Some dumb blonde thinks she's having adventures underground but it turns out she's just been dreaming, stupid bitch.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS (LEWIS CARROLL)
Same ****, except instead of falling down a rabbit hole she goes through a mirror.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (JANE AUSTEN)
Some bird isn't attracted to some bloke, then she is and they get married.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR (GEORGE ORWELL)
Some guy tries to stand up to the system. The system kicks the **** out of him.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (H.G WELLS)
Guy goes forward in time but ****s things up and gets stuck there.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (CHARLES DICKENS)
An old guy is real mean, but then three ghosts pay him a visit and he becomes good.

Feel free to add your own.
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Old 03-11-2018, 11:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 03-11-2018, 12:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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This thread is best paired with coq au vin to balance out the bitter notes.
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Old 03-11-2018, 01:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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So OccultHawk doesn't like purple prose or long descriptions of environments and characters, or what's this about?
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Old 03-11-2018, 01:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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**** you all.
I lol'd. A little.
Go Troll!
Hope this takes off.
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Old 03-11-2018, 01:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MicShazam View Post
So OccultHawk doesn't like purple prose or long descriptions of environments and characters, or what's this about?
Exactly. He complains about Dickens waffling too much, so I thought I'd envision how he would have handled such literature classics. IDGAF, it's all a bit of fun. He can dish it out so I'm sure he can take it.

#RubberSoul2018Never4Get
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Old 03-11-2018, 02:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Old 03-11-2018, 02:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trollheart View Post
Given OH's dismissal of my writing, and his already avowed distaste for the kind of exposition favoured by the likes of Dickens and Hugo (I think the actual quote was "Stop ****ing around and just tell me the story, ****!" or something typically Hawkish) I thought it might be fun to explore how he would have written some of the classics of literature, leaving out all what he would consider "the boring ****" and distilling each novel down to its barest essence.

OLIVER TWIST (CHARLES DICKENS)
An orphan boy finds he's fallen in with some bad guys, but he has rich parents so he's all right in the end.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (LEWIS CARROLL)
Some dumb blonde thinks she's having adventures underground but it turns out she's just been dreaming, stupid bitch.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS (LEWIS CARROLL)
Same ****, except instead of falling down a rabbit hole she goes through a mirror.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (JANE AUSTEN)
Some bird isn't attracted to some bloke, then she is and they get married.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR (GEORGE ORWELL)
Some guy tries to stand up to the system. The system kicks the **** out of him.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (H.G WELLS)
Guy goes forward in time but ****s things up and gets stuck there.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (CHARLES DICKENS)
An old guy is real mean, but then three ghosts pay him a visit and he becomes good.

Feel free to add your own.
You’re a quick study. That’s easily the best **** you ever came up with.

I need a breather before I try to retort. You just pulled off seven genuinely funny jokes in a row. Every one of those rewrites is a bullseye.

OK I got one

Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)

A woman realized life sucks so she killed herself.
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my music tastes are colored by my wanting to die


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Old 03-11-2018, 02:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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THE LORD OF THE RINGS (JRR TOLKIEN)

Some little guy has to destroy this ring cos an old peado told him to. He drops it into a volcano.

WAR AND PEACE (LEO TOLSTOY)

First there was war, then there was peace.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES (CHARLES DICKENS)

They're London and Paris.

ROBINSON CRUSOE (DANIEL DEFOE)

A man gets shipwrecked on an island, but ensures good old racism survives.

THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK (ALEXANDER DUMAS)

A man gets locked into a tower and has to wear an iron mask. He doesn't get back out and he dies.
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Old 03-11-2018, 02:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Ulysses (James Joyce)

A lot of **** happens in the course of a single day.
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my music tastes are colored by my wanting to die


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