A Journey Through The Mind of a Loner: A Kiiii Story

The Batlord · 05-08-2018, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kiiii

You remember a while ago when someone told you they remind you of a sociopath?

What a presumptuous thing to say.

Key · 07-02-2018, 08:52 PM

Note To Self
Date: July 2nd, 2018

Hey man, been a while I know. Just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm proud of ya. You're doing good. You took the plunge and decided the kind of the life you want to live, and I gotta say, I'm impressed by your overall outlook lately. I see you working every day, being super cool to customers, sometimes you even get into full on conversations and they always enjoy it. I know that because your body stimulates with joy whenever you can make a customer feel welcome and good once they leave. Your overall charisma and your personality have both changed significantly. I say that because I watch you 24/7, and I know thoughts that surround your head. I know times are also hard for you because you're trying to keep your depression and anxiety at bay, and while you said before that you were just accepting them into your life, I know you're thinking that it's getting too difficult. Trust me.

But yeah, the reason I'm writing this is because I just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. You're doing everything you're supposed to do, and you're being the person you want to be. While that may not be normal for some, you've chose to live your life the way you feel you're meant to. And that's fine. As long as you're happy.

And hey, keep smoking that good ****. I love when you get high because then I feel it too. It's awesome. Just keep doing that.

That's all.

Sincerely,

Self.

**Frownland** · 07-02-2018, 09:10 PM

You should try meth. Challenge yourself.

Key · 07-02-2018, 09:12 PM

Key · 11-14-2018, 08:58 PM

Update (11.14.2018)

A lot has happened. A lot. Both mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm going through a lot of different things right now. Trying to work up the courage to ask a girl out that works two doors down from me. Trying to not feel guilty about my anxiety attacks around my best friends. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never see my older brother again and part of that does kill me though I've come to accept it. Trying to get myself out of this constant hell I find myself in. I wake up in the morning, smoke a cigarette, take a few hits of a joint, and the rest of the day becomes a blur. When I ask myself why I do this, the simple answer is that I don't like being myself. I don't like the body I'm in besides the tattoos, I don't like the soul I have. I've been back and forth between whether I find myself personally appealing and in some cases I do. I try to be funny, sarcastic, and I throw in some smartass comments in there. But under that? What is there? There is a soft person under there. Honest to god, I'm a different person when I take my shell off. And I know that. My friends have told me that. But I do it purposefully and at this point it's just habitual. I can't express myself openly to people because there's a lot to be said. I like to get to know someone before I share anything. Hell, there's only 3 other people that know one of the worst things I've ever done, and even today I'm regrettful, but it's nothing I can't learn from.

On top of all this my depression has been the worst it's ever been and it's kept me from doing a lot of things that I love doing. Playing games, hanging with friends. I'm even struggling to pull myself through the day. But I do it because I know deep down it's important for me to keep going. I still have a grasp on reality and that's something I cherish right now. With the recent night terrors and anxiety attacks, I'm in a hole. I know that. I can get myself out but I have to allow myself to be subject to it otherwise I won't get past it. I have to accept what this is and live with it and try to keep my mentality strong. I know everybody and their mother struggles with depression and I get that. These thoughts are just to put it out there publicly and let people know what I'm dealing with. It's a healing process and it does help to know that at least somebody out there is reading my thoughts. I go crazy when I can't talk to someone about something that excites me or something I'm doing that I love. Someone to give a **** about what I'm saying. But that's been an issue that I probably put on myself when I separated myself from a lot of people. I have regrets. Many of them. Many of which effected other people but I had to make that separation to work on myself. To put people through hell because of my own emotions is not fair and though they understand, it's different being the person who's dealing with it. I love my friends now though and I'd die for them. 3 people. That's it really. That's all I need right now and it's an improvement.

So yeah, things are going both good and bad and of course the bad outweighs the good more often but I'm slowly but surely realizing my continuous faults and working on myself. It's been over 10 years and I'm just now getting to a point where I feel like I mean something.

Key · 01-12-2019, 01:21 AM

Hey

Well, you made it. 100 years old. That's pretty incredible. Hey, listen. I know I can't be there right now but at least my dad, your son is there while you lay there without an understanding of what's going on. With your alzheimers and now being deaf, this can't exactly be easy.

Im not the type of person to say things out loud because I just get anxious. But I'm writing you this because I wanted to tell you that it's been an absolute honor being your grandson. I know, I didn't visit you enough when I was a kid but we were still really close. I heard stories about you growing up in Italy, saw pictures of you as a kid. It seems like you're whole life has been to always aim upwards. I mean, you were chopping down trees and building houses when you were 95, remember? Unfortunately I don't think you do. But I do.

You're basically my hero. I've always done my best to be the best I can be because you proved that anyone can do anything. The only thing stopping you is yourself. Your dedication to family and everything else are also a big part of you. When Grandma died, I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. Especially with you going through the beginning stages of Alzhiemers at the time. Never forget that you two were together for over 60 years. That's just incredible. True love in its finest form.

So, I hope you have the opportunity to pass peacefully and enjoy your life with your wife. Family, and friends are all thinking of you and we love and care about you. You lived your life to the fullest all the way to 100. You're an inspiration. In the coming days, we will lay you down to an eternal rest, but just remember that you will be doing so alongside your wife. She's been waiting to see you.

I'm glad I got to see you before you go.

Thanks for everything.

disclaimer: yes, I will be sending this to him. But I felt it was also worth sharing publicly especially with this being a personal journal is all. I love to write, and I feel this fit perfectly.

Blarobbarg · 01-12-2019, 09:23 AM

That is incredibly sweet, Key.

The Batlord · 01-12-2019, 11:08 AM

Come here, you little homo!

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard · 01-12-2019, 02:20 PM

echoing batlord's post. make it a threesome.

my thoughts are with you and your family Key, sounds like he was a hell of a guy

Key · 01-12-2019, 03:41 PM

Thanks guys. I felt this was a good thing to share here. Appreciate everything. Yeah qwerty, hell of a guy for sure.

07-02-2018, 09:10 PM	#203 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	You should try meth. Challenge yourself. __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

01-12-2019, 09:23 AM	#207 (permalink)
Blarobbarg Do good. Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota Posts: 2,065	That is incredibly sweet, Key. __________________ https://rateyourmusic.com/~Blarobbarg ｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆　^my RYM^　｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆ (◠‿◠✿)

07-02-2018, 08:52 PM	#202 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Note To Self Date: July 2nd, 2018 Hey man, been a while I know. Just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm proud of ya. You're doing good. You took the plunge and decided the kind of the life you want to live, and I gotta say, I'm impressed by your overall outlook lately. I see you working every day, being super cool to customers, sometimes you even get into full on conversations and they always enjoy it. I know that because your body stimulates with joy whenever you can make a customer feel welcome and good once they leave. Your overall charisma and your personality have both changed significantly. I say that because I watch you 24/7, and I know thoughts that surround your head. I know times are also hard for you because you're trying to keep your depression and anxiety at bay, and while you said before that you were just accepting them into your life, I know you're thinking that it's getting too difficult. Trust me. But yeah, the reason I'm writing this is because I just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. You're doing everything you're supposed to do, and you're being the person you want to be. While that may not be normal for some, you've chose to live your life the way you feel you're meant to. And that's fine. As long as you're happy. And hey, keep smoking that good ****. I love when you get high because then I feel it too. It's awesome. Just keep doing that. That's all. Sincerely, Self.

07-02-2018, 09:12 PM	#204 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153

11-14-2018, 08:58 PM	#205 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Update (11.14.2018) A lot has happened. A lot. Both mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm going through a lot of different things right now. Trying to work up the courage to ask a girl out that works two doors down from me. Trying to not feel guilty about my anxiety attacks around my best friends. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never see my older brother again and part of that does kill me though I've come to accept it. Trying to get myself out of this constant hell I find myself in. I wake up in the morning, smoke a cigarette, take a few hits of a joint, and the rest of the day becomes a blur. When I ask myself why I do this, the simple answer is that I don't like being myself. I don't like the body I'm in besides the tattoos, I don't like the soul I have. I've been back and forth between whether I find myself personally appealing and in some cases I do. I try to be funny, sarcastic, and I throw in some smartass comments in there. But under that? What is there? There is a soft person under there. Honest to god, I'm a different person when I take my shell off. And I know that. My friends have told me that. But I do it purposefully and at this point it's just habitual. I can't express myself openly to people because there's a lot to be said. I like to get to know someone before I share anything. Hell, there's only 3 other people that know one of the worst things I've ever done, and even today I'm regrettful, but it's nothing I can't learn from. On top of all this my depression has been the worst it's ever been and it's kept me from doing a lot of things that I love doing. Playing games, hanging with friends. I'm even struggling to pull myself through the day. But I do it because I know deep down it's important for me to keep going. I still have a grasp on reality and that's something I cherish right now. With the recent night terrors and anxiety attacks, I'm in a hole. I know that. I can get myself out but I have to allow myself to be subject to it otherwise I won't get past it. I have to accept what this is and live with it and try to keep my mentality strong. I know everybody and their mother struggles with depression and I get that. These thoughts are just to put it out there publicly and let people know what I'm dealing with. It's a healing process and it does help to know that at least somebody out there is reading my thoughts. I go crazy when I can't talk to someone about something that excites me or something I'm doing that I love. Someone to give a **** about what I'm saying. But that's been an issue that I probably put on myself when I separated myself from a lot of people. I have regrets. Many of them. Many of which effected other people but I had to make that separation to work on myself. To put people through hell because of my own emotions is not fair and though they understand, it's different being the person who's dealing with it. I love my friends now though and I'd die for them. 3 people. That's it really. That's all I need right now and it's an improvement. So yeah, things are going both good and bad and of course the bad outweighs the good more often but I'm slowly but surely realizing my continuous faults and working on myself. It's been over 10 years and I'm just now getting to a point where I feel like I mean something.

01-12-2019, 01:21 AM	#206 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Hey Well, you made it. 100 years old. That's pretty incredible. Hey, listen. I know I can't be there right now but at least my dad, your son is there while you lay there without an understanding of what's going on. With your alzheimers and now being deaf, this can't exactly be easy. Im not the type of person to say things out loud because I just get anxious. But I'm writing you this because I wanted to tell you that it's been an absolute honor being your grandson. I know, I didn't visit you enough when I was a kid but we were still really close. I heard stories about you growing up in Italy, saw pictures of you as a kid. It seems like you're whole life has been to always aim upwards. I mean, you were chopping down trees and building houses when you were 95, remember? Unfortunately I don't think you do. But I do. You're basically my hero. I've always done my best to be the best I can be because you proved that anyone can do anything. The only thing stopping you is yourself. Your dedication to family and everything else are also a big part of you. When Grandma died, I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. Especially with you going through the beginning stages of Alzhiemers at the time. Never forget that you two were together for over 60 years. That's just incredible. True love in its finest form. So, I hope you have the opportunity to pass peacefully and enjoy your life with your wife. Family, and friends are all thinking of you and we love and care about you. You lived your life to the fullest all the way to 100. You're an inspiration. In the coming days, we will lay you down to an eternal rest, but just remember that you will be doing so alongside your wife. She's been waiting to see you. I'm glad I got to see you before you go. Thanks for everything. disclaimer: yes, I will be sending this to him. But I felt it was also worth sharing publicly especially with this being a personal journal is all. I love to write, and I feel this fit perfectly.

01-12-2019, 03:41 PM	#210 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Thanks guys. I felt this was a good thing to share here. Appreciate everything. Yeah qwerty, hell of a guy for sure.