Feedback? Thoughts? Validation?

shelleyfungus · 06-11-2026, 12:49 PM

Idk what I’m calling this but I wrote it wine drunk with insomnia

I still hear your voice in the sparrows
The earliest bird gets the worm
Your maggots still poke at my marrow
I feel you in my bones like a storm

Did you know I’m still hungover?
I’d drink you like hair of the dog
I’m drowning deep in my sofa
In my home I’m sailing in fog

Do you remember eight-thirty?
I’ve lived in that minute for years
Waiting for you to be for me
Blinded by rose colored tears

Did you know I’m still a child?
Like the day you and I met?
You were so cruel and so mild
So I can’t forgive or forget

The sun rises up like a raven
He’s just eaten the carrion night
He leaves after sating his cravings
Gets his fix and then takes flight

Drjohnrock · 06-11-2026, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shelleyfungus

Idk what I’m calling this but I wrote it wine drunk with insomnia

I still hear your voice in the sparrows
The earliest bird gets the worm
Your maggots still poke at my marrow
I feel you in my bones like a storm

Did you know I’m still hungover?
I’d drink you like hair of the dog
I’m drowning deep in my sofa
In my home I’m sailing in fog

Do you remember eight-thirty?
I’ve lived in that minute for years
Waiting for you to be for me
Blinded by rose colored tears

Did you know I’m still a child?
Like the day you and I met?
You were so cruel and so mild
So I can’t forgive or forget

The sun rises up like a raven
He’s just eaten the carrion night
He leaves after sating his cravings
Gets his fix and then takes flight

Welcome to Music Banter. Not bad—I could hear some of those lines in songs. You have potential as a lyric writer.

shelleyfungus · 06-11-2026, 04:40 PM

Thank you so much!
Is there anything I could add or change to make it better?

06-11-2026, 12:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
shelleyfungus Groupie Join Date: Apr 2026 Location: Ya Dads Drawers Posts: 2	Feedback? Thoughts? Validation? Idk what I’m calling this but I wrote it wine drunk with insomnia I still hear your voice in the sparrows The earliest bird gets the worm Your maggots still poke at my marrow I feel you in my bones like a storm Did you know I’m still hungover? I’d drink you like hair of the dog I’m drowning deep in my sofa In my home I’m sailing in fog Do you remember eight-thirty? I’ve lived in that minute for years Waiting for you to be for me Blinded by rose colored tears Did you know I’m still a child? Like the day you and I met? You were so cruel and so mild So I can’t forgive or forget The sun rises up like a raven He’s just eaten the carrion night He leaves after sating his cravings Gets his fix and then takes flight

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06-11-2026, 04:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
shelleyfungus Groupie Join Date: Apr 2026 Location: Ya Dads Drawers Posts: 2	Thank you so much! Is there anything I could add or change to make it better?