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Old 08-15-2021, 07:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 61
Default New song seeking validation from internet folk

(picture a Midwest emo song)
Free Tea!

Parallel parked in our Seats
My waters getting colder
I couldn't get much lower
What's taking them so long
This tea isn't mine but I'll drink it anyways

Table of one
growing into a tadpole of my former self
Suddenly
Browse the same page 9 times

My shaky hands are shaking
It's a metaphor for something man
You can't drive here
The road had dissapeared

Table of one
growing into a tadpole of my hated self
Suddenly
Browse the same page 10 times

Parallel parked in our seatsx8
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cool
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Old 08-15-2021, 08:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SnakeSpiritDude View Post
(picture a Midwest emo song)
Free Tea!

Parallel parked in our Seats
My waters getting colder
I couldn't get much lower
What's taking them so long
This tea isn't mine but I'll drink it anyways

Table of one
growing into a tadpole of my former self
Suddenly
Browse the same page 9 times
...

I would change that one line to:
"Partly undone
Growing out of a cocoon of my former self.
Suddenly
I browsed my bio sitting the shelf"
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Originally Posted by mord View Post
Actually, I like you a lot, Nea. That's why I treat you like ****. It's the MB way.

"it counts in our hearts" ?ºº?
“I have nothing to offer anybody, except my own confusion.” Jack Kerouac.
“If one listens to the wrong kind of music, he will become the wrong kind of person.” Aristotle.
"If you tried to give Rock and Roll another name, you might call it 'Chuck Berry'." John Lennon
"I look for ambiguity when I'm writing because life is ambiguous." Keith Richards
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Old 08-16-2021, 04:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan View Post
I would change that one line to:
"Partly undone
Growing out of a cocoon of my former self.
Suddenly
I browsed my bio sitting the shelf"
so you come in several shades.. neapolitan...


Ll'alleverènziai
it is only eye....

addio per ora.........
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Old 08-16-2021, 12:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Neapolitan View Post
I would change that one line to:
"Partly undone
Growing out of a cocoon of my former self.
Suddenly
I browsed my bio sitting the shelf"
Alright cool thanks
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Old 08-16-2021, 03:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Alright cool thanks
I really wanted to change as little as possible. It's your song with your words. I just thought 'cocoon > tadpole.' If it's midwest emo it's all about vocal delivery > rhyming lyrics. Like the song Marigold & Patchwork for insinstance. His lyrics don't rhyme, but he puts a lot of emotions into them.

"Partly undone
Growing out of a cocoon of my former self.
Suddenly
I saw my bio sitting on the shelf
"

^ I suck at writing, I left out a preposition
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mord View Post
Actually, I like you a lot, Nea. That's why I treat you like ****. It's the MB way.

"it counts in our hearts" ?ºº?
“I have nothing to offer anybody, except my own confusion.” Jack Kerouac.
“If one listens to the wrong kind of music, he will become the wrong kind of person.” Aristotle.
"If you tried to give Rock and Roll another name, you might call it 'Chuck Berry'." John Lennon
"I look for ambiguity when I'm writing because life is ambiguous." Keith Richards
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