my song (Kiss, effect, quote, songs, suicide)

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-01-2006, 09:50 AM

i agree with you completely.. i'm not good by any means at writing songs.. just go read the ones i have posted on my site.. they suck and i know they do. but its just they come out of me and i'm alwyas looking for a honest opinion.. but ya.. i just need someone who knows what there at when it comes to song writing to give me a few pointers.. cause i really love writing songs.. and poems.. whatever.. haha

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-01-2006, 09:55 AM

this is a poem i wrote a few months ago... anyways i think it would make a alright song.. haha.. thoughts anyone hahahha!... god i annoy myself sometimes..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scream Reaper

You say your strong
I think your weaker
you say you’re slipping
I think you should go deeper
you say your feeling better
I think you’re a lying faker

Can you see your face in my eyes?
Can you look beyond your lies?
I hope you ****ing die

You say you’re beautiful
I think you’re un-natural
You say you’re powerful
I think you’re unfaithful
You say you’re something special
I think you’re so ugly it’s unbelievable

Can you see your soul in mine?
Can you really say your fine?
I hear you speak but I want you to close your mouth

how can you be so ****ing mean?
I think you should look at me
See the pain that you bleed

TrampInaTux · 01-01-2006, 09:57 AM

It's okay. Average. Mediocre. But don't settle for mediocre. Write better songs. Don't write ones that suck then post them up. There's no point. Waste of energy. When I first joined I used to do that. There's just one thing that I don't get about the song though-how can you be shameless but also lying in a grave of shame?

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-01-2006, 10:03 AM

just the way the words come out of my head.. i know not everything i write makes alot fo sense.. but it does to me.. have to look beyond the words some times.. think of what could be deeper... i dunno

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SabrinaMaher

this is a poem i wrote a few months ago... anyways i think it would make a alright song.. haha.. thoughts anyone hahahha!... god i annoy myself sometimes..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scream Reaper

You say your strong
I think your weaker
you say you’re slipping
I think you should go deeper
you say your feeling better
I think you’re a lying faker

Can you see your face in my eyes?
Can you look beyond your lies?
I hope you ****ing die

You say you’re beautiful
I think you’re un-natural
You say you’re powerful
I think you’re unfaithful
You say you’re something special
I think you’re so ugly it’s unbelievable

Can you see your soul in mine?
Can you really say your fine?
I hear you speak but I want you to close your mouth

how can you be so ****ing mean?
I think you should look at me
See the pain that you bleed

the bolded parts are the parts i think that needs to be looked at. some parts need to be changed, some need to be shorten'd, & some dont need to be there at all or changed completely. Other than that i like it, the first verse/stanza..whatever especially.

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-01-2006, 10:34 AM

the part i like the most are the last three lines.. i think its because from what i know. or have learned from alot of ex's.. is that when they do stupid things that hurt the person there in a relationship with.. such as "cheating" they can't seem to be able to look at the person they hurt, and try to turn it around as if they should get the pity.. i dunno.. pity is pointles but whwatver..t he last three lines mean the most to me out of all of it..

i don't really like the line "i think you're so ugly its unbelievable"
but i dunno should i just cut it out completely?

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 10:53 AM

okay, keep the last three lines if they mean that much

. For the i think you're so ugly its unbelievable, it doesnt really go with the line before it, i think you should rephase it or something.

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-01-2006, 10:55 AM

how about
"can you really say your fine
i think your ****ing blind"
??

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 11:09 AM

i like it! fits perfectly.

~~Sabgoat~~ · 01-01-2006, 11:28 AM

thanks.. finally it is complete.. think of anything else.. please do let me know.. cause to be real turthful i would have never been able to fix that up without peoples input.. cause me being the person that wrote it so ling ago.. i don't even like half the crap i write after reading it a few times.. so it all seems like **** to me after a while haha.. hmm! anywas

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01-01-2006, 09:50 AM	#11 (permalink)
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 303	i agree with you completely.. i'm not good by any means at writing songs.. just go read the ones i have posted on my site.. they suck and i know they do. but its just they come out of me and i'm alwyas looking for a honest opinion.. but ya.. i just need someone who knows what there at when it comes to song writing to give me a few pointers.. cause i really love writing songs.. and poems.. whatever.. haha

01-01-2006, 09:55 AM	#12 (permalink)
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 303	this is a poem i wrote a few months ago... anyways i think it would make a alright song.. haha.. thoughts anyone hahahha!... god i annoy myself sometimes.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scream Reaper You say your strong I think your weaker you say you’re slipping I think you should go deeper you say your feeling better I think you’re a lying faker Can you see your face in my eyes? Can you look beyond your lies? I hope you **ing die You say you’re beautiful I think you’re un-natural You say you’re powerful I think you’re unfaithful You say you’re something special I think you’re so ugly it’s unbelievable Can you see your soul in mine? Can you really say your fine? I hear you speak but I want you to close your mouth how can you be so **ing mean? I think you should look at me See the pain that you bleed

01-01-2006, 09:57 AM	#13 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	It's okay. Average. Mediocre. But don't settle for mediocre. Write better songs. Don't write ones that suck then post them up. There's no point. Waste of energy. When I first joined I used to do that. There's just one thing that I don't get about the song though-how can you be shameless but also lying in a grave of shame?

01-01-2006, 10:03 AM	#14 (permalink)
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 303	just the way the words come out of my head.. i know not everything i write makes alot fo sense.. but it does to me.. have to look beyond the words some times.. think of what could be deeper... i dunno

01-01-2006, 10:34 AM	#16 (permalink)
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 303	the part i like the most are the last three lines.. i think its because from what i know. or have learned from alot of ex's.. is that when they do stupid things that hurt the person there in a relationship with.. such as "cheating" they can't seem to be able to look at the person they hurt, and try to turn it around as if they should get the pity.. i dunno.. pity is pointles but whwatver..t he last three lines mean the most to me out of all of it.. i don't really like the line "i think you're so ugly its unbelievable" but i dunno should i just cut it out completely?

01-01-2006, 10:53 AM	#17 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	okay, keep the last three lines if they mean that much . For the *i think you're so ugly its unbelievable*, it doesnt really go with the line before it, i think you should rephase it or something.

01-01-2006, 10:55 AM	#18 (permalink)
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 303	how about "can you really say your fine i think your ****ing blind" ??

01-01-2006, 11:09 AM	#19 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	i like it! fits perfectly.

01-01-2006, 11:28 AM	#20 (permalink)
~~Sabgoat~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 303	thanks.. finally it is complete.. think of anything else.. please do let me know.. cause to be real turthful i would have never been able to fix that up without peoples input.. cause me being the person that wrote it so ling ago.. i don't even like half the crap i write after reading it a few times.. so it all seems like **** to me after a while haha.. hmm! anywas