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my song
yea i wrote this song tonight.. i always write songs.. they just fall out of me really.. way to many emotions.. haha emotional wreck really!.. anyways aside from taking about me being insane.. this is a part of me.. (the song that is) and well what do you think?
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Damaged being alone in this thing with you saying things that i never should've taking back the things i said were true holding on to you like you knew i would (Course) i know you never loved me i know you never could the thought of someday, the thought... maybe i was crazy, yet ofcourse i know you wanted to trust me i know you never would maybe someday things will change forever laying in this grave of shame holding on to the torment of a maybe...maybe someday this thing here... doesn't belong to me (Course) i know you never loved me i know you never could the thought of someday, the thought... maybe i was crazy, but yet ofcourse i know you wanted to trust me i know you never would shameless laying alone in this darkened hole whisping my dreams into your ear falling faster to the floor crying out for you once more I can't take this.. i can't do this anymore holding on to this fake thing with you never can i do this right trying to move on.. moving on never coming true (Course) i know you tried to love me i know you pushed me away i swear you never liked me i swear you lied to me i know you never trusted in me i know you never tired to... never wanted to be never was your time wasted towards me.. i know you never could i swore i never would broke my heart still to the ground sounds of the shape of everything smash to the ground & there i go... (Course) I know you never loved me i know you never could the thought of someday, the thought... maybe i was crazy, but yet ofcourse i know you wanted to trust me i know you never would you never could you never could you never could i know you never could |
It was a very good effort, but I think it's a bit too cliched. Maybe add in some metaphores...and some cool lines. And maybe a verse of too with a rhyme.
Hehe line and rhyme, rhyme. |
thanks finally some one who's willing to say something other then "its good" just cause there being nice.. i'd rather honesty even if its nothing good.. hahahaha!!! thanks dude! :o)
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Dudette ;)
Hey no problem :) |
hey how come my picture thingy doesn't show up by my post like your's and everyone elses does??? just wondering haha.. or can you see it... hmmm i'm clearly new at this haha
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Oh you mean emoticons? I don't know...how did you attempt to put them on?
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i think she means an avatar. if so you cant have one until you reach something around 50 posts. the song was okay but can't we people write a happy song? all the last 25 or so songs in here have all been depressing.
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The winter is depressing, its always so dark (but that's comforting to me...lmfao read my other song)and cold, brrr.
That's my reasoning for the drepressing songs. EDIT: Yea, I just re-read that and your right, she does mean av. |
ahh i see.. thanks!.. i shall wait a while then.. oh well.. haha!
and why the depressing songs.. cause well in comes from within my heart and soul where i've been hurt.. to me personally, i think the best songs i've heard are really depressing, like the lyrics.. |
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i like it, yea, shows lots of emotion. the chorus or course, whatever, needs some work though. |
i agree with you completely.. i'm not good by any means at writing songs.. just go read the ones i have posted on my site.. they suck and i know they do. but its just they come out of me and i'm alwyas looking for a honest opinion.. but ya.. i just need someone who knows what there at when it comes to song writing to give me a few pointers.. cause i really love writing songs.. and poems.. whatever.. haha
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this is a poem i wrote a few months ago... anyways i think it would make a alright song.. haha.. thoughts anyone hahahha!... god i annoy myself sometimes..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scream Reaper You say your strong I think your weaker you say you’re slipping I think you should go deeper you say your feeling better I think you’re a lying faker Can you see your face in my eyes? Can you look beyond your lies? I hope you ****ing die You say you’re beautiful I think you’re un-natural You say you’re powerful I think you’re unfaithful You say you’re something special I think you’re so ugly it’s unbelievable Can you see your soul in mine? Can you really say your fine? I hear you speak but I want you to close your mouth how can you be so ****ing mean? I think you should look at me See the pain that you bleed |
It's okay. Average. Mediocre. But don't settle for mediocre. Write better songs. Don't write ones that suck then post them up. There's no point. Waste of energy. When I first joined I used to do that. There's just one thing that I don't get about the song though-how can you be shameless but also lying in a grave of shame?
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just the way the words come out of my head.. i know not everything i write makes alot fo sense.. but it does to me.. have to look beyond the words some times.. think of what could be deeper... i dunno
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the part i like the most are the last three lines.. i think its because from what i know. or have learned from alot of ex's.. is that when they do stupid things that hurt the person there in a relationship with.. such as "cheating" they can't seem to be able to look at the person they hurt, and try to turn it around as if they should get the pity.. i dunno.. pity is pointles but whwatver..t he last three lines mean the most to me out of all of it..
i don't really like the line "i think you're so ugly its unbelievable" but i dunno should i just cut it out completely? |
okay, keep the last three lines if they mean that much :). For the i think you're so ugly its unbelievable, it doesnt really go with the line before it, i think you should rephase it or something.
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how about
"can you really say your fine i think your ****ing blind" ?? |
i like it! fits perfectly.
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thanks.. finally it is complete.. think of anything else.. please do let me know.. cause to be real turthful i would have never been able to fix that up without peoples input.. cause me being the person that wrote it so ling ago.. i don't even like half the crap i write after reading it a few times.. so it all seems like **** to me after a while haha.. hmm! anywas
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post your other poems...if you wanna, we'll help ya
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hmm.. go to my site..
www.piczo.com/junemaher i only have a few poems on the site.. and a few songs.. i dunno what ones to post here haha.. |
i like
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Yes that one is good. Cliche, but good.
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non of my stuff really makes alot of sense to anyone.. nor to me after a while but when i first write it.. it makes alot of sense. hahaha..
but out of al the stuff i wrote this doesn't make sense to you haha.. do tell??? |
Suicide
Its you Its you isn't it Its you thats doing this to me Its you thats putting the pills in my mouth Its you thats putting the gun to my head STOP IT! I don't want to die Not yet Then I look around me No one is to be found Its me Its me isn't Its me thats doing this I can't stop It won't stop It hurts to much to let go ------------------------------------ now thats a old poem i wrote.. think that could ever be a ****ed up song hahahahha.. |
Once again, the poem is cliche but I find myself liking it.
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It's too angsty.
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Is there realy such a thing as too angsty when that's the effect you're going for anyway??
I've read a lot more angsty songs, check out some Johnny Cash ;) |
I'm just not too fond of angst, especialy teenage angst.
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Yea. When teens write angst, it's mostly cliche, but I think this woman is in her twenties...
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womp womp womp!
i love it personally i wrote it years ago... |
are you in your twenties?... just curious...
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do i seem as if i'm in my 20's?
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yes.
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I'm 32
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oh, cool.
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no man i'm 18 hehe! true tho.. its on my site too.. alone with my msn proflie
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^i was gonna say, ya dont look like not ****ing 32 year old
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how do you know what i look like haha? |
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