more (member, quote)

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 08:22 AM

Can't
Everytime I get in a jam
You’re there to pull me out
Everytime it’s getting rough
You’re there without a doubt
But what am I to do
When you’re no longer here
Can’t you see this is the cause
For what I’m trying to do
Trying to distance myself away from you
I seem to be drowning once again
And I seem to be falling to no end
But I still can’t bring myself to ask
For your hand, just another sin
Made myself believe it was just for a while,
To let myself see
If I can do fine with just me
Starting to get out of control
Getting to a level where it’s not suppose to be
Get myself up for another day
Dont know where i stayed for yesterday
Find a mirror, look dead straight into it
I hate what I see, so I punch the damn reflector
Make my way back, see you from a distance
Was about to, but I cant bring myself to chance it
I drown once again, fall to no end
And realize I can never again ask for your hand

At all
Call me a monster, what do i care
It's my cold-heart that helped me survive here
After what I've seen
After what I've heard
Can't expect me to simply disregard
Not nearly sorry to break your heart
When the end comes I'll embrace it all
I know of what i risked to get it all
The heavens may will for me to regret it all
Maybe, but not today at all

if you have any ideas how to improve them, it would be most helpful. If you're just going to say "the whole thing is shit, you just need to do the whole damn thing over", then dont waste your time, 'cause thats not needed.

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 08:44 AM

Like I said before the first one is very good

And the second one, whoever came up with risked must be some brilliant dame

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 08:45 AM

yes i agree

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 08:46 AM

hehe I'm a brilliant dame...hehehe

TrampInaTux · 01-01-2006, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Luv

Can't
Everytime I get in a jam
You’re there to pull me out
Everytime it’s getting rough
You’re there without a doubt
But what am I to do
When you’re no longer here
Can’t you see this is the cause
For what I’m trying to do
Trying to distance myself away from you
I seem to be drowning once again
And I seem to be falling to no end
But I still can’t bring myself to ask
For your hand, just another sin
Made myself believe it was just for a while,
To let myself see
If I can do fine with just me
Starting to get out of control
Getting to a level where it’s not suppose to be
Get myself up for another day
Dont know where i stayed for yesterday
Find a mirror, look dead straight into it
I hate what I see, so I punch the damn reflector
Make my way back, see you from a distance
Was about to, but I cant bring myself to chance it
I drown once again, fall to no end
And realize I can never again ask for your hand

At all
Call me a monster, what do i care
It's my cold-heart that helped me survive here
After what I've seen
After what I've heard
Can't expect me to simply disregard
Not nearly sorry to break your heart
When the end comes I'll embrace it all
I know of what i risked to get it all
The heavens may will for me to regret it all
Maybe, but not today at all

if you have any ideas how to improve them, it would be most helpful. If you're just going to say "the whole thing is shit, you just need to do the whole damn thing over", then dont waste your time, 'cause thats not needed.

The line that I underlined I liked. I'm sorry to say but I didn't really think much of the second one-It seems like another 'oh no, I've lost my girl/boyfriend. Let's moan.' poems that I just can't bear with. The first one is good, and like I said, what I put in bold was good. So, and I know you didn't want people to say this, but scrap the second one because that one isn't going anywhere. Focus on the first one.

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

The line that I underlined I liked. I'm sorry to say but I didn't really think much of the second one-It seems like another 'oh no, I've lost my girl/boyfriend. Let's moan.' poems that I just can't bear with. The first one is good, and like I said, what I put in bold was good. So, and I know you didn't want people to say this, but scrap the second one because that one isn't going anywhere. Focus on the first one.

Thanx. & damn, thats what i was afraid of it sounding like for the second one. but thats not what i was going for. i was going for someone who had to do many unforgivable things & let his/her family member of some sort down. but still she/he isnt fazed by the fact that he/she hurt the "family member" & will take whatever is coming at her/him for the choices he/she made. She/He knows he/she might regret it someday, but not at the moment.

TrampInaTux · 01-01-2006, 10:09 AM

I think I just misunderstood. My bad.

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 10:44 AM

No problem

Crazy Luv · 01-03-2006, 09:47 PM

She'll never apologize
For saying what she feels
Even if its not what you wanted to hear
Not going to tip toe around it either
Gonna give it to you straight
That's what you wanted her to do though
Dared to beat it out of her good
But you'll never get it from her
Because she'll never apologize
Just for being real

TheBig3 · 01-03-2006, 11:22 PM

Someday, people will understand you can illustrate more poetically an emotion without rhyming.

Where do kids get the idea that poems must rhyme?

Don't be locked and chained up by something as restricting as rhyme scheme when you can just write what you feel.

01-01-2006, 08:22 AM	#1 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	more Can't Everytime I get in a jam You’re there to pull me out Everytime it’s getting rough You’re there without a doubt But what am I to do When you’re no longer here Can’t you see this is the cause For what I’m trying to do Trying to distance myself away from you I seem to be drowning once again And I seem to be falling to no end But I still can’t bring myself to ask For your hand, just another sin Made myself believe it was just for a while, To let myself see If I can do fine with just me Starting to get out of control Getting to a level where it’s not suppose to be Get myself up for another day Dont know where i stayed for yesterday Find a mirror, look dead straight into it I hate what I see, so I punch the damn reflector Make my way back, see you from a distance Was about to, but I cant bring myself to chance it I drown once again, fall to no end And realize I can never again ask for your hand At all Call me a monster, what do i care It's my cold-heart that helped me survive here After what I've seen After what I've heard Can't expect me to simply disregard Not nearly sorry to break your heart When the end comes I'll embrace it all I know of what i risked to get it all The heavens may will for me to regret it all Maybe, but not today at all if you have any ideas how to improve them, it would be most helpful. If you're just going to say "the whole thing is shit, you just need to do the whole damn thing over", then dont waste your time, 'cause thats not needed.

01-01-2006, 08:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	Like I said before the first one is very good And the second one, whoever came up with risked must be some brilliant dame __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-01-2006, 08:46 AM	#4 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	hehe I'm a brilliant dame...hehehe __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-03-2006, 11:22 PM	#10 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	Someday, people will understand you can illustrate more poetically an emotion without rhyming. Where do kids get the idea that poems must rhyme? Don't be locked and chained up by something as restricting as rhyme scheme when you can just write what you feel. __________________ I've moved to a new address

01-01-2006, 08:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	yes i agree

01-01-2006, 10:09 AM	#7 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	I think I just misunderstood. My bad.

01-01-2006, 10:44 AM	#8 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	No problem

01-03-2006, 09:47 PM	#9 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	She'll never apologize For saying what she feels Even if its not what you wanted to hear Not going to tip toe around it either Gonna give it to you straight That's what you wanted her to do though Dared to beat it out of her good But you'll never get it from her Because she'll never apologize Just for being real