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Old 01-30-2006, 01:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: Winchester, VA
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Default Cure My Hands

Ben Stivers
1/30/06

Cure My Hands, Because I Can't Stop the Obsession

Okay, you caught me.
I'd probably be better set inside a casket than behind the pen.
When this spine finds its pieces splintered into parts of the whole,
Will it be her hands rebuilding this anatomy?

I oppose the sinking of these ships outside the harbors.
Yeah, I'd set my love ablaze and watch it burn for days.
Pace her heartbeat to the whirlpool swirled in the waters,
But I could make us new.

Scrawl, scrawl through the journals,
Page after page filled with her name.
A lifetime spent behind the quill.
A lifetime spent to power this mill.

"Draw, draw, draw up the ink and tell her, tell her you love her.
Bleed, bleed, bleed out this dream and give up the search."

I wrote her for years
And ground my letters with the millstone.
And I tried to feed her my love,
But her heart was set inside bone.
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Old 01-30-2006, 09:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Interesting piece, too bad I caught it on my way to a class so I can't critique it in depth right now... got a little suggestion for you...

Quote:
Scrawl, scrawl through the journals,
Page after page filled with her name.
A lifetime spent behind the quill.
A lifetime spent to power this mill.
Take the first spent and change it into BENT, for some reason that sounds a lot more meaningful to me. Like you've been slaving for your lover in every aspect of life, physically, emotionally, and that she does affect the way you live. Plus it flows smoothly with the spent in the next line. Let's take a look at it...

Quote:
Scrawl, scrawl through the journals,
Page after page filled with her name.
A lifetime bent behind the quill.
A lifetime spent to power this mill.
What do you think?
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