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Old 02-02-2006, 09:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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This one's more a work in progress...


I've been here before
A shattered jaw
An elbow in the gut
A well taken choice
In quiet rejoice
The verge of splitting up
Feigning sorrow to the last
But feel better on my own

I've been here before
Bloodied and raw
From loyalties misplaced
I have no delusions
It was illusions
And spectres that were chased
This newfound cynic soul
Feels better on my own

Though your smiles shine like diamond
Your heart is twice as hard
You shattered my illusions
Then stabbed me with the shards
If you want to go, then go
If you want to stay, please don't
I'll fare better on my own


I've been here before
The clothes that you tore
Hanging from my limbs
This neck, red and sore
Will suffer no more
The teeth that you dug in
The warmth of morning sun
Feels better on my own
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Old 02-03-2006, 09:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I liked the other one better. This one seems clunkier. Could I have been wrong about you doing better?

Quote:
Though your smiles shine like diamond
Your heart is twice as hard
You shattered my illusions
Then stabbed me with the shards
I thought these two lines were a good try but they feel a bit awkward to me. Smile like a diamond but your heart is twice as hard = sounds like a forced comparison. Then stabbed me with what? Shards of my illusions or shards of diamond? Just a little anti-flowish if I can make up my own word.
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Old 02-03-2006, 10:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crashing Sun
I liked the other one better. This one seems clunkier. Could I have been wrong about you doing better?



I thought these two lines were a good try but they feel a bit awkward to me. Smile like a diamond but your heart is twice as hard = sounds like a forced comparison. Then stabbed me with what? Shards of my illusions or shards of diamond? Just a little anti-flowish if I can make up my own word.
I think your right about the clunkiness - I was going for a lyric with a lot of detachment between each of the lines, as the tune starts high and falls for each individual line. That's only in the verse though, I'm not going for that effect in the chorus! Looks like I've got some thinking to do on that one...
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Old 02-03-2006, 03:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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again, this depends on the format, whether it be song or spoken word, or simply poetry, but I rather prefer this one. I am a big fan of internal rhyming and here:

Quote:
I've been here before
A shattered jaw
An elbow in the gut
A well taken choice
In quiet rejoice
and here:
Quote:
I've been here before
Bloodied and raw
From loyalties misplaced
I have no delusions
It was illusions
the fast rhyming between the large rhymes sounded really good.

but the italicised (sp?) could be re-arranged.
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