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Old 02-03-2006, 06:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default teh r3winD. ya dig?

Due to the new found slew of good reviews I've been seeing in the Song Writing forum, I have decided to post some old songs in hopes of getting decent critiques.

As an ďArtistĒ, Iím officially out of ideas

Your hesitation will only make things worse, so for Godís sake stop trying. If we could have escaped it would have happened along time ago

I stare up at the ever-encroaching night and pray that someone still remembers my name.
Moonglow is not an acceptable radiance. I demand pure light. So please stop giving me pathetic substitutes.

Exactly what does letís start over mean? You want to forget this? All of it?
Go right ahead. I already did.

Refer to me from now on only in past tense
I donít live here anymore
Iím alive but not in the willing sense
How do you survive being so unsure?

Forced is it? Harder to look me in the eye? This is normal.

Iíve been here before

Donít take any of this literally, it wonít leave the page, but than again, stranger things have happened.



Handshake Heartbreak

So I guess my assassin is your savior
Spirit yourself away, I need no self-prescribed harlot.

This razorwire whirlwind will save me
Your hired hand is one with the dust

Inferno you cry and I only stare
To see is to feel only sorrow
Say Iíll help you

My fist will find that swollen grave you call a throat
My eyes will pierce that poorly woven cloak

And I shall end you in a hail of words and arrows
And you will cry out.


Mine Eyes Have Seen The Night And Itís Blinding Me

The weight of our decisions
Is now like a tomb
So oppressive and yet
Liberating

Iíll suffocate if only to see
What I have missed and hoped for in my own dark way
1 million crying souls clawing up at me


my heart, it swells with emotion
and finally know the meaning of
truelove
in all its forms and mysteries

sundials and turnstiles
keeping pace

my eyes have seen the night
theyíve seen the roses calling me
empty markers point to the future
and theyíll hold the only pen

my eyes have seen the night
and its blinding me


All I Remember Is How The Flames Danced In Your Eyes

All I remember is how the flames danced in your eyes. You always claimed you were handy with a lighter. What is amazing is that the rotted wood actually caught.

Now Iím on the wrong side of the continental divide.
Iíd hide my disgust but to bide time might be careless at this point.

I desire only to see you consumed by the very fire you caused. The very flame you grew and knew would consume you.

This is not revenge. All I did was hand you the match. And maybe some gasoline. And maybe some soaked rags.
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Old 02-05-2006, 06:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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In all of the lyrics you've posted I'd say that their strength is the individual phrases. You get in so many attention, imagination grabbing and just damn cool lines into every composition.

As anything other than poetry, I'm still not sure how 'As an Artist' and 'All I remember' would work, although the lines are cool they seem too long to have impact as lyrics.

'Handshake Heartbreak' seems to have better phrasing to be used as lyrics, but the way in which you convey the theme he is not as strong as the other three - by comparison its a bit garbled.

'Mine Eyes Have Seen...' is, in my opinion, the best of the bunch as puts its point across well, using some really good lines and neat, punchy phrasing.

To summarise (!) you always manage to come up with really good ideas, for me the lyrics would be improved if you made them a bit more punchy and structured, while managing to get the full meaning of the lyric across as well as you have when using extended phrases.

Having said that, the music you're writing these lyrics for is probably a style I don't 'get' anyway so the comments about structure and phrasing might be irrelevant.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 02-07-2006, 02:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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ah, thank you for the kind words. I really do write from a line to line perspective, which is something I'm working on. I also tend to write music from a riff to riff perspective also...

point being, I'm going to revise 'As and Artist' and 'Mine Eyes' because, I also feel that they have the strongest chance at being a true song.
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