Tale from the estate #5-Tell him no (house, song, hands)

TrampInaTux · 02-19-2006, 07:57 AM

I can hear your screams through the wall/
he wants some you don't want none at all/
I try to get to sleep put the pillow on my head/
But I can't cos I can hear every word that's being said/
And then tomorrow we'll cross path as always/
ask simple questions then go our seperate ways/
I know you know/
you know I know/
But I can't tell you/
To just tell him no/

I can see your tears through the bedroom light/
wonder if I should knock on the door to check you're alright/
But I figure it's your life so you do as you please/
So I put my hands in my pockets and pull out my keys/
And then tomorrow we'll cross paths as always/
ask simple questions and go our seperate ways/
I know you know/
you know I know/
But I can't tell you/
To just tell him no/

I can see you storm out your house with your bag in hand/
mascara down your face and shouting at your man/
He knows you'll return so he doesn't mind/
He's got you wrapped round his finger, you know his kind/
And then tomorrow we'll cross paths as always/
ask simple questions and go our seperate ways/
I know you know/
you know I know/
But I can't tell you/
To just tell him no/

So then people-do you like? Any criticism will be welcome, even straight out comments saying you hate it. As long as I get a reply, I don't mind.

Crashing Sun · 02-22-2006, 07:52 AM

The only problem I have with this is that the narrator doesn't actually do anything about it. I'm not saying he has to on any morale grounds but it's another undeveloped scene or a snapshot with no before or after just now. Each verse mimics the last pretty much or just reinforces it. I could see it working as an atmospheric observation so that's probably just my preference. Good job.

TrampInaTux · 02-22-2006, 09:58 AM

Not every story has a good guy you know. There's the stuff that you know you should do and you do it and the stuff that you know you should do but you don't do it. This tale is a case of the latter. If you read the song again you might notice that the narrator goes to help the woman several times, but he always backs away trying to not get involved. Put yourself in his position for a second-the guy she's dealing with may be a dangerous guy, someone you don't want to mess with. I've known plenty of times when I think I should help someone but I've just walked away, thinking that it is none of my business. This song plays on that. A fairy tale ending would be the narrator helping the girl-but in real life, there ain't no fairy tale endings.

02-19-2006, 07:57 AM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Tale from the estate #5-Tell him no I can hear your screams through the wall/ he wants some you don't want none at all/ I try to get to sleep put the pillow on my head/ But I can't cos I can hear every word that's being said/ And then tomorrow we'll cross path as always/ ask simple questions then go our seperate ways/ I know you know/ you know I know/ But I can't tell you/ To just tell him no/ I can see your tears through the bedroom light/ wonder if I should knock on the door to check you're alright/ But I figure it's your life so you do as you please/ So I put my hands in my pockets and pull out my keys/ And then tomorrow we'll cross paths as always/ ask simple questions and go our seperate ways/ I know you know/ you know I know/ But I can't tell you/ To just tell him no/ I can see you storm out your house with your bag in hand/ mascara down your face and shouting at your man/ He knows you'll return so he doesn't mind/ He's got you wrapped round his finger, you know his kind/ And then tomorrow we'll cross paths as always/ ask simple questions and go our seperate ways/ I know you know/ you know I know/ But I can't tell you/ To just tell him no/ So then people-do you like? Any criticism will be welcome, even straight out comments saying you hate it. As long as I get a reply, I don't mind.

02-22-2006, 07:52 AM	#2 (permalink)
Crashing Sun Idontthinkyouknow Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Out of the Frying Pan Posts: 102	The only problem I have with this is that the narrator doesn't actually do anything about it. I'm not saying he has to on any morale grounds but it's another undeveloped scene or a snapshot with no before or after just now. Each verse mimics the last pretty much or just reinforces it. I could see it working as an atmospheric observation so that's probably just my preference. Good job. __________________ People Against People "Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark." (Support Spam)

02-22-2006, 09:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Not every story has a good guy you know. There's the stuff that you know you should do and you do it and the stuff that you know you should do but you don't do it. This tale is a case of the latter. If you read the song again you might notice that the narrator goes to help the woman several times, but he always backs away trying to not get involved. Put yourself in his position for a second-the guy she's dealing with may be a dangerous guy, someone you don't want to mess with. I've known plenty of times when I think I should help someone but I've just walked away, thinking that it is none of my business. This song plays on that. A fairy tale ending would be the narrator helping the girl-but in real life, there ain't no fairy tale endings.