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Old 03-10-2006, 06:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
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Default Isla Vista Girls

I like this forum so far, got some good feedback. Lets see how you like this one that I wrote earlier this week. Its about college town girls.

It was a cool friday night
And I was feeling alright
I was drinking keystone light
When I saw her dressed in white
So I went and said hello
You remind me of the snow
Your blue eyes have got me cold
And at night I sleep alone

She laughed, looked at me and said
You should get used to it then
Tonight you'll be there again
Then she left with her boyfriend
So I found my way back home
Took a rip of white widow
Layed my head on my pillow
Then I fell asleep alone

Then it was Saturday night
Asked my homie for a light
The weed makes me feel alright
While I'm drinking nasty ice
Then some girlie said hello
Told me that I had to know
She forgot her bud at home
And she wanted to get stoned

I laughed, and packed her a bowl
Didn't worry me at all
But before we got too far
She was passed out in the hall
So I found my way back home
Took a rip of white widow
Layed my head on my pillow
And I fell asleep alone.
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Old 03-10-2006, 06:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I like this one better then the last, I don't really have much to add. But its very good.
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Old 03-10-2006, 07:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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It's clever, and it almost sneers at you. I like it very much. From what I read so far, you're a good writer.
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Old 03-10-2006, 07:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Awesome man. I don't know what music you'd put with that to keep the good rhyming lyrics as key focus, but it's damn good.
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Old 03-10-2006, 08:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow, thanks.
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Old 03-10-2006, 08:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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i agree with what Crowquill said
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