Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-10-2006, 09:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
Crazy Luv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
Default You and I Try

You
You attempt to hold me
I just push you away
Dont you get it by now
I need some space
So tired of you being near
You're suffocating me
Just leave me alone
I must break free
I remember the first time i saw you
You were a gorgeous sight
Now when i look at you
It just hurts my eyes
Have you never heard of
Too much of a good thing is a bad thing
Well put two and two together
The bad thing is now you
The last thing i want to do
Is hurt you of course
But i really must
Show you the door
Dont want to walk
In this world alone
But i dont want to
Be dragged along
You dont comprehend
And you try again to hold me
Dont know whats going
Through that mind of yours
I push you far away
Did you think i wouldnt
But this time i shove you
Out the front door
You yell and punch at it
But all i do
Is go to my bedroom
And think of you no more

Took you a couple of weeks
To get the picture
Go out for my daily walk
What i see breaks my heart
Sitting on a bench is you
All alone weeping
Something inside me snaps
In a minute im at your side
Surprised to see me
No need to say any words
I take you into my arms
And we tell a story
Still no words
Slip out each others lips
Its strange, but in a way
We share sweet bliss
Is this love
Im not even sure
But theres something here
That i missed before
Cant believe
That i almost let you go
Thank god for fate
Or i would of lost a piece of my soul
I wonder to myself
How i could be so blind
to not see the treasure
Hidden within this guy
We get up hand in hand
And walk down a path together
Not thinking about anything
But each other




this used to be title I try, but i changed it
Woebegone
I walk into the house
So tired and bland
Just want to lay down on the couch
But you come and give me this look
And i know you wont let it be that way
You yell at me without hesitation
Dont even know what i did
I try to get you to calm down
But that just results in the opposite

Same thing keeps happening frequently
What is it about me that gets you so upset
I just cant figure it out
Afraid im going to lose you
Cant live in this world alone
I know it sounds ridiculous
But is the damn truth
I try to tell you this
But you just throw the vase at me
It shatters against the wall
Cant take my eyes off it
Its come down to this
The glass pieces show whats become of us
A chill comes over me

Next thing i know im out the door
How i got here is a wonder
My keys arent working
And you arent opening the door
I shudder as a walk down
The porch steps and onto the street
Its in the middle of december
Look up into the sky that reflects my mood perfectly
Dwell much to far into my troubles
A crash behind me
Probably from a stray
Brings me back to reality
Look back for one of the many last times
Then continue walking the cold streets
In the middle of Woebegone
Crazy Luv is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2006, 03:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
Jadix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
Default

Your first song is alright. But it needs some work. You're telling a story, but theres no background, and I have no idea why the characters feel the way they do. By having them get back together in the second verse, you make the first verse lose its integrity. All the pushing and yelling and hating has no base at all, and therefore loses its emotion. It becomes fake. See what I mean?

You only have one line that transforms you from somebody that wants nothing to do with this girl, into thinking of nothing but her. That line is:

Something inside me snaps

That isn't very descriptive. That something must have been a very powerful emotion to change you from hating her to loving her. You have the right idea here though. Maybe you should make this "something" the theme of your song. You should also allude to it in the first verse and say somethin like " I hate having you around me, and I push you away, but theres a whisper that still holds on etc. etc." I dont know, its your song, so you know what you want to say more than I. But you haven't let me know what that is.

Woebegone is a really good song. Theres something missing but I cant put my finger on it. I want to say that I dont really know how you feel about all this and you're talking too much about what happened, and not enough about how it hurts you. I think its that you dont have enough emotion in the first two verses. They are more or less just "history", telling me about what happens, but not how it affects you.

Your last verse does a good job of this. This is my favorite part of the song:

I shudder as a walk down
The porch steps and onto the street
Its in the middle of december
Look up into the sky that reflects my mood perfectly
Dwell much to far into my troubles
A crash behind me
Probably from a stray
Brings me back to reality
Look back for one of the many last times
Then continue walking the cold streets
In the middle of Woebegone

I think thats perfect as is.
Jadix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2006, 06:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
Crazy Luv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
Default

Thanks for the review, great help
How about this...

Woebegone
I walk into the house
So tired and bland
Just want to lay down on the couch
But you come and give me this look
A look that says so much
Although the full meaning remains unclear
But i know you wont let me get my way
You yell at me without hesitation
Dont even know what i did
Confusion overwhelms me
I try to get you to calm down
But that just results in the opposite
The least you could do
Is give me a clue
But that’s not what I get
What should I do
Because you’re getting pretty upset

Same thing keeps happening frequently
What is it about me
That puts your temper on drive
I just cant figure it out
Afraid im getting to close
To close to losing you
Cant live in this world alone
I know it sounds ridiculous
But is the damn truth
I try to tell you
But you just throw the vase at me
It shatters against the wall
Cant take my eyes off it
So its come down to this
The glass pieces show
Whats become of us
A chill crawls down my spine

Next thing i know im outside
How i got here is a wonder to me
My keys wont work
And you arent opening the door
Realization comes from behind and kicks me
I shudder as a walk down
The porch steps and onto the street
Its in the middle of december
Look up into the sky that reflects my mood perfectly
Dwell much to far into my troubles
A crash behind me
Probably from a stray
Brings me back to reality
Look back for one of the many last times
Then continue walking down the cold streets
In the middle of Woebegone
Is where you’ll find me



You
You attempt to hold me
I just push you away
Dont you get it by now
I need some space
So tired of you being near
You're suffocating me
Just leave me alone
I must break free
I remember the first time i saw you
You were a gorgeous sight
Now when i look at you
It just hurts my eyes
Have you never heard of
Too much of a good thing is a bad thing
Well put two and two together
The bad thing is now you
The last thing i want to do
Is hurt you of course
But i really must
Show you the door
Dont want to walk
In this world alone
But i dont want to
Be dragged along
You dont comprehend
And you try again to hold me
Dont know whats going
Through that mind of yours
I push you far away
Did you think i wouldn’t
But this time i shove you
Out the front door
You yell and punch at it
But all i do
Is go to my bedroom
And think of you no more



Roller Coaster
Took you a couple of weeks
To get the picture
Im not running back to you no more
This time I was the one
That threw you out the door
All through those couple of weeks
I had to learn how to
Stand on my own two feet
How could I’ve known I would get
Blown down again

Go out for my daily walk
Nothing special
What i see breaks my heart
Sitting on a bench is you
All alone weeping
Something inside me snaps
Everything I’ve gained gone
Less than minute im at your side
Like old times
But this time you’re breaking too
My world flips upside down
Never thought you could get like this

Your surprised to see me here
shushNo need to say any words
I hold you within my arms
And we tell a story
Still no words
Slip out each others lips
Its strange, but in a way
We share sweet bliss
This is love
Maybe im not really sure

But theres something here
That i missed before
Cant believe
That i almost let you go
Thank god for fate
Or i would of lost a piece of my soul
I wonder to myself
How i could be so blind
To not see the compassion
Hidden within this guy
We get up hand in hand
And walk down a path together
Not thinking about anything
But each other


What you think now?
Crazy Luv is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes



2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.