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Old 08-13-2006, 03:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by explosions-in-my-pants
Default The upper east of the lower south

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew.
Like my past memories came to be true.
The second he leaned in,
It rained down an ocean of tears,
while my past heartache dripped through the floors.
Like the warmest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see
Every thought, everything dream
‘Someday' I said we would will be.
The confidence lay still inside of me.
The loneliest dreams faded to mist.
The smile left open with a simple kiss
Softer and sweeter
The taste of his sweat
The moment we touched I could never forget.

----------------------------------------------------did I ruin it?
The bolded one... I just moved the "it" down a line, now it's easier to understand while reading. "Everything dream" - this could work, but is it what you mean, or would you want to slip an "a" in there? Just wondering. otherwise, I think that I've picked out all the tiny things I can think of.

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Old 08-13-2006, 10:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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Like the warmest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see
Every thought, everything dream
‘Someday' I said we would will be.


where you out everything dream doesn't make sense.. cause well I'm saying he can see 'every thought, and every dream' doesn't make sense if he can see 'everything dream'.. see what I mean?

and thanks for moving 'it' for me.. I guess I forgot to do it last night when you first told me about it.
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