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Old 04-11-2006, 11:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London
Posts: 12
Default Lunatic

And so she stole a battered car and drove until all night,
You finished by a lakeside you were naked like a white lie,
And you thought you were a star 'cos you had movies on your mind,
You were crazy like a lunatic,
A new born lover running blind.

I believe she stroked your neck alot like lady lovers do,
When kissing men with passion's hips or making love at noon,
She said you were the only man which you always hoped was true,
It wasn't love to pass away,
Just humour's words and skin tight youth.
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Old 04-11-2006, 02:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,418
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'and drove until all night doesn't make sense' and neither does 'like white lie' but I really like this. Fantastic flow and the lyrics ain't shabby either.
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Old 04-12-2006, 03:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
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like hobo said, some of the phrases dont make sense. but overall, the poem isnt bad, but it aint great either. with a few fixes, it could be on the road to succession.
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Old 04-12-2006, 05:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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Default Thank you

for feedback. Have made the correction on 'like a white lie'. The until all night was to give a kind of sense of timelessness. Your comments are much appreciated. I will put another one up soon if that is cool....
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