|06-15-2006, 10:32 AM||#1 (permalink)|
that's my war face.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Alice and her Wonderhands
straight minded townsmen
drift along the coastline
in a bubble made of wisdom
like they've seen it all before
Alice though, oh Alice knows different
through her looking glass
she reflects their good nature
and sees torture behind the obvious
The law tells her too stay alone,
maybe until the storm has died down
but when has she ever?
oh when has she ever
listened to what they've had to say?
She'll stay on this corner
This corner she knows
bringing her comfort
and a warm bed when she's froze
Alice is a good girl, but not by our standards
our standards are high and she doesn't lie low
Let's hop through wonderland
and let's never let go
everyone used to be content
with ignoring what was in front of them
but now there's a need, a fuel for their mischief
she breeds curiosity in her footsteps
and money in her tight jean pockets
A quicken I brewed up. Thoughts?
|06-28-2006, 09:02 AM||#3 (permalink)|
They call me Tundra Boy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
You've got to keep putting lyrics into structures, otherwise we can't guess where a the verses, choruses and mid-sections would be. There are a lot of individual lines which are very good, but because you haven't structured the song for us, we can't see how it pans out as a song. Grouping it into sections helps you and us to figure out choruses and hooks.
And don't start thinking that a continuous stream of lyrics will work very well for a song. I'm yet to hear it!