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07-27-2006, 04:51 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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a l'amou fou pou tout
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
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~~Shattering~~
{Part one}
My heart shatters into pieces At the sight laid out before me My husband and my best friend Together, naked, in each others arms The bloodstained glass pieces Stab into my near-by lungs Causing me not to breathe Mind goes into a state of arrest My legs move of their own accord Suddenly I find myself On some foreign street Knees grow weak From the abnormality Of all my bodily functions Start drifting in and out of reality Must of consumed some of the poison That contaminated The air in that bedroom Too excessively lost to apprehend My head cracking against the pavement ~~To be continued~~ |
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07-27-2006, 04:55 PM
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#2 (permalink) | |
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isfckingdead
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,967
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You gonna have a line about being in a closet too? =P. I don't like it much, the whole my heart shattered is so cliche, and it just screams R. Kelley rip off. You don't touch on the subject much, all we know is your heart broken to find your husband sleeping with your best friend. Then you go off on something, that sounds like a suicide rant.
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07-27-2006, 05:05 PM
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#3 (permalink) |
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a l'amou fou pou tout
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
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How is it suicidal? No where did it describe killing or harming herself. But is it really so much cliche, cause i could of just said she saw her husband cheating with her best friend, went frantic, ran maniacally, ended up somewhere she didnt know, and pasted out.
Chyea, i agree with the I didnt "touch on the subject much" thin, I'll get more into it on Part two, but then again I'll still fix Part one. edit: are you thinking the "glass" pieces are really..glass? Cause they really the broken pieces of her heart... and the "poison" really isnt..gas or whatever poison |
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07-27-2006, 05:07 PM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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isfckingdead
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,967
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The whole last part On some foreign street - the end, just sounds like a suicidal rant. I'm not saying it is, but it still sounds like it. Jumping off a roof or somethin'.
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07-27-2006, 05:15 PM
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#6 (permalink) | |
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Full-Time Hellion
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 1,531
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But I loved the beginning. I just think you should've stuck with simple language rather than start with simple language and then try to use complex language. Through off the internal rhyme that you had going.
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A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche |
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07-27-2006, 05:15 PM
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#7 (permalink) | |
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Atchin' Akai
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Unamerica
Posts: 8,723
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07-27-2006, 05:17 PM
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#8 (permalink) | ||
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a l'amou fou pou tout
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
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Quote:
Hey..i wasnt trying to use complex language  But yes, thank you, I will work on it Should I say: Puncture my lungs Causing me not to breathe Mind goes into a state of shock My legs move of their own accord Suddenly I find myself In unfamiliar territory Knees grow weak From the abnormality Of all my bodily functions Start drifting in and out of reality Must of inhaled some of the pollution That tainted The air in that bedroom Too lost to apprehend My head cracking against the pavement Quote:
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