Follow! (jazz, member)

Blain · 07-30-2006, 03:10 AM

Follow! Into the darkness of the light
If you find your way, you'll be saved for sure
But if you contradict yourself
You'll crash and burn
Into your deaths...
(Pass through the afterlife)

I've been finding my way...
Through the dark...
Having troubles with fear...
Having Second thoughts...
But if you take your chances
The path will shine
And you'll....

Follow! Into the darkness of the light
if you find your, you'll be saved for sure
But if you contradict yourself
You'll crash and burn
Into your deaths....
(pass through the afterlife)

And thats all I got

sleepy jack · 07-30-2006, 03:18 AM

I think you've got something with a bit of tweaking it could be good.

The subject, in general is just way too vague. Try going more indepth in on it ya know? You could be a little more descriptive too when you list things. Also little thing.

And if you find your, you'll be saved for sure

That and doesn't need to be there. =)

Its late, i'll give you a more proper critique tomorrow or monday when I can think better.

Blain · 07-30-2006, 03:38 AM

Thanks for that, so you mean like using more adjectives? If not I'd like you to explain better to me when you can think

sleepy jack · 07-30-2006, 03:41 AM

Yeah that kind of thing, i'll be more explaning when its not 2am.

http://musicbanter.com/showthread.php?t=17647
Read that if you havn't already (it kind of sucks but bleh), and read stuff by like Crowe, A_Perfect_Sonnet, HoboJesus, Creepinson, and DontRunMeOver. Reading stuff by them will help you like, learn how to write certain things, & all that jazz.

Blain · 07-30-2006, 05:21 AM

I thought I might attempt adding a bridge, tell me what you think

[Screaming]Break Down!!!
I coulcn't feel you
[Screaming]I reached out!!!
But could not grasp you
[Screaming]I'm paralyzed!!!
I reminisced and saw what I had...
Seeing that...
Made me realise...
That the crippling darkness...
Was cowering to my courage...

[screaming]So rise my friends, Fulfill your dreams!
Fight your worst fears
Overcome the darkness
Blinded by the light
Stuck from what you see
A spectacular site

I couldn't get a line to finish it off, suggestions?
And lol it wasn't that much effort it was just an attempt

Happens To Be Me<3 · 06-29-2007, 08:08 PM

Wow this is so good i love this a lot!

Blain · 06-30-2007, 02:47 AM

Wtf

I don't even remember posting this...

07-30-2006, 03:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	Follow! Follow! Into the darkness of the light If you find your way, you'll be saved for sure But if you contradict yourself You'll crash and burn Into your deaths... (Pass through the afterlife) I've been finding my way... Through the dark... Having troubles with fear... Having Second thoughts... But if you take your chances The path will shine And you'll.... Follow! Into the darkness of the light if you find your, you'll be saved for sure But if you contradict yourself You'll crash and burn Into your deaths.... (pass through the afterlife) And thats all I got

07-30-2006, 03:38 AM	#3 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	Thanks for that, so you mean like using more adjectives? If not I'd like you to explain better to me when you can think

07-30-2006, 05:21 AM	#5 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	I thought I might attempt adding a bridge, tell me what you think [Screaming]Break Down!!! I coulcn't feel you [Screaming]I reached out!!! But could not grasp you [Screaming]I'm paralyzed!!! I reminisced and saw what I had... Seeing that... Made me realise... That the crippling darkness... Was cowering to my courage... [screaming]So rise my friends, Fulfill your dreams! Fight your worst fears Overcome the darkness Blinded by the light Stuck from what you see A spectacular site I couldn't get a line to finish it off, suggestions? And lol it wasn't that much effort it was just an attempt

06-29-2007, 08:08 PM	#6 (permalink)
Happens To Be Me<3 Groupie Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Why do you want to know? Posts: 7	Wow this is so good i love this a lot!

06-30-2007, 02:47 AM	#7 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	Wtf I don't even remember posting this...