ZeppelinAir

a three part poem i wrote, it ties in togather well i think, but i want others opinions on it....please

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sleepy jack

The last two verses are excellent, but I think the first one is too stabby blood blood in parts if you understand what I mean.

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Black dot.

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ZeppelinAir

yeah i know what you mean

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ZeppelinAir

i redid the first paragraph, is it a little less "graphic"

Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground,
In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race,
Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther,
Into the depths of a hell non existent to others,
It rips and tears me limb by limb,
With every slit of my throat I lose more and more life,
Blood shot eyes of mine are taken from me,
Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground,
What did I do to deserve this,
Why these sins cause so much effect…..

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sleepy jack

I still don't like the slit my throat part, other then that its better.

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

I like the bloodshot eyes line. Keep the slit throat line, but take out the limb by limb and the hell thing needs changing.

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TheUsedToolguy

That's my fav. line. It's pretty good, not real long, but good.

ZeppelinAir

ok i am going to try to keep everything else but tone it down a bit and change a little of the wording

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ZeppelinAir

ok heres the redone work, i think this what im going to stick with

Lost….

Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground,
In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race,
Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther,
Into the depths of a hell non existent to others,
My limbs taken from me by the beast,
With every wound I gain I lose more and more liquid life,
Blood shot eyes of mine are taken away from me,
Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground,
What did I do to deserve this,
Why these sins cause so much effect…..

Virtuous life without sin lead me here,
Golden gates guard the gold roads that everyone desire,
Greeted by the friends lost many a moon ago,
The tears in my eyes are the only way to show how I feel,
All my wishes have come true but something is still missing,
The life of past still grips me to the world in which I belong,
But I shall break free from the chains that bind me down
Break free from the ghosts who haunt me so
To the people I cant let go,
Maybe I wont go…..

Given the gift of life from a person who is dear,
I cherish what I am given for all eternity,
Hoping to make it to the afterlife that keeps me going,
Temptation drives me though and takes my will,
Bringing me closer to the hell I create in my nightmares,
The path that I follow is long and winding,
With many bumps and holes along the way,
So all I can do is live my life day by day.

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not that old signature