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Old 04-17-2007, 07:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
Me and The Major
The Dave's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1,830
Default The Lone Gunman In The Silent Hall

The title sucks, as does the third stanza and I would like help with said stanza. Overall, it's a different stlye and is more personal, so let me know what you think:

The Lone Gunman In The Silent Hall

I loosened the colar of my shirt though
I was breathing just fine, before I realized
That I've been trapped in a box for
The past seventeen years.
The burden of culture has come crashing
Down on me, and all I can think of
Is just how betrayed and deceived I've been
While with faith.
That tree out of my window could be replaced
With a dog or a daisy and no difference
Would really be made.

I'm hitting the floor again, grasping for
Breath, wanting to feel oxygen yet also
Wanting to feel the pain that these thoughts
Have brought upon me.
It's not that bad, to not be breathing, for
Sometimes I just need to feel this, need
To feel my lungs caving in as I raise a
Finger at the heavens.
"You did this to me," I feel as though I've
Been deceived by him and yet I know that
I decided to believe.

There are no more caged birds that can
Sing a lovely tune to me, and make
My bridge stand a little better on its own,
For I know I'm alone.
Even the angel who has been crying for
Me for the past hour could ultimately
Not mean anything to this world for we
Never do leave this world.
The cherub is screaming, telling me to
Hold on, hold on to her, but I know that
I want to leave, but can't.

I feel like the lone gunman in the silent hall
As I shoot down all of the stars and all
Of the birds that used to make my day
So light and merry.
"**** you!" I raise my voice to the unending
atmosphere. I know he's not there even
Though I really need him to be for I'm
So tired of being alone.
Maybe, maybe it would be a blessing to be
So ignorant and full of bliss, maybe then
I'll never cry again.

Last edited by The Dave; 04-19-2007 at 02:24 PM.
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Old 04-18-2007, 02:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
zak's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 15

Excellent, i don't know what's wrong with the 3rd stanza...It was awesome, that's all
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Old 04-19-2007, 02:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
Me and The Major
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1,830

I fixed the 3rd one, should be better now.
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