The Pursuit (metal, trance, quote)

Trauma · 05-19-2007, 07:00 PM

I'd like to work on my rhymed verse poetry, but I really liked this blank verse poem I wrote, and would like to share it with MB.
P.S. It's metaphorical.

"The Pursuit"

I was in the playground when Time arrived.
Wishing to converse with it, I jumped off the carousel, and followed it, departing from the green grass.
When Time passed through a wrought-iron gateway,
I began to sprint.
Pushing forward in a final desperate attempt to throw my arm on its shoulder,
I caught my breath instead.
At that moment, my eyes captured a stranger they had never apprehended before.
But he, being more agile, tripped me mid-thought, laying my body in the dust.
Looking up at him, his coy grin fell on me, empowered by some secret malice.
I knew then that this was Existence, his fiery countenance glinting off the metal spade in his right hand, a complement to the trillions of graves scattered in the cemetary behind him.
I lowered my gaze to Time, its arms resting restlessly on a wheelbarrow, standing next to the Entrance, laughing.

-Jake V. 5/15/07

sleepy jack · 05-19-2007, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Heaving forward in a final desperate attempt to throw my arm on its shoulder,

I don't like heaving there, but thats just me.

Other than that, excellent as always. Is there a reason time and entrance are capitalized?

Trauma · 05-19-2007, 07:34 PM

Time as referring to an omnipresent tangible figure.
Entrance symbolizing all that comes after you die.

05-19-2007, 07:00 PM	#1 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	The Pursuit I'd like to work on my rhymed verse poetry, but I really liked this blank verse poem I wrote, and would like to share it with MB. P.S. It's metaphorical. "The Pursuit" I was in the playground when Time arrived. Wishing to converse with it, I jumped off the carousel, and followed it, departing from the green grass. When Time passed through a wrought-iron gateway, I began to sprint. Pushing forward in a final desperate attempt to throw my arm on its shoulder, I caught my breath instead. At that moment, my eyes captured a stranger they had never apprehended before. But he, being more agile, tripped me mid-thought, laying my body in the dust. Looking up at him, his coy grin fell on me, empowered by some secret malice. I knew then that this was Existence, his fiery countenance glinting off the metal spade in his right hand, a complement to the trillions of graves scattered in the cemetary behind him. I lowered my gaze to Time, its arms resting restlessly on a wheelbarrow, standing next to the Entrance, laughing. -Jake V. 5/15/07 __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño Last edited by Trauma; 06-05-2007 at 06:22 PM.

05-19-2007, 07:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Time as referring to an omnipresent tangible figure. Entrance symbolizing all that comes after you die. __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño