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Old 09-05-2007, 02:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Words So Futile

I breathe out a verse into
the palm of my hand,
air curving my gnarled
fingers through its wearisome
grip, nostalgic for a time
and place I can't name;
But I can feel its wind
getting ready for winter,
And can see its wire trees
undressing themselves,
And I can hear this place laughing
when it finds out I'm trying to
convey it in a single breath.

Last edited by Ornette; 09-06-2007 at 05:51 AM.
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Old 09-05-2007, 03:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Apt title.
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Old 09-05-2007, 05:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I've re-read this several times...it's actually quite good.
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Old 09-05-2007, 07:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Haha, okay. Thank you!
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Old 09-05-2007, 07:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yeah I think its really really good too.

/not constructive
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Old 09-05-2007, 08:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I saw that you made a comment in one of Cquill's lyrics that his attention to punctuation and the sort would be beneficial for his craft. I think that is an admirable observation on it's own, yet I see that your own use of these things might lead some readers to confusion. I would say pay attention to your capitalization at the beginning of your lines and the run on first sentence, which is grammatically incorrect but useful in some forms of prose and poetry. I did enjoy the poem, though. The imagery and the aches you feel for the narrator's futility in his nonification issues is really subtle and rich. This is not easy to accomplish in such a short piece. Nice~
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Old 09-06-2007, 05:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I've got no idea why I capitalized "grip" and "air".
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Old 09-09-2007, 11:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I like it. Simple but very poetic. Do you have music for it?
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maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home. and whispers....

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Old 09-10-2007, 03:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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No, it's just a poem.
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Old 09-11-2007, 03:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Good stuff. I think you can tell it's a poem and not a lyric because of the word "gnarled", which would sound stupid in a song.
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