Words So Futile (lyrics, single, title, song)

Ornette · 09-05-2007, 01:43 PM

I breathe out a verse into
the palm of my hand,
air curving my gnarled
fingers through its wearisome
grip, nostalgic for a time
and place I can't name;
But I can feel its wind
getting ready for winter,
And can see its wire trees
undressing themselves,
And I can hear this place laughing
when it finds out I'm trying to
convey it in a single breath.

right-track · 09-05-2007, 02:41 PM

Apt title.

right-track · 09-05-2007, 04:24 PM

I've re-read this several times...it's actually quite good.

Ornette · 09-05-2007, 06:27 PM

Haha, okay. Thank you!

sleepy jack · 09-05-2007, 06:37 PM

Yeah I think its really really good too.

/not constructive

Crowe · 09-05-2007, 07:41 PM

I saw that you made a comment in one of Cquill's lyrics that his attention to punctuation and the sort would be beneficial for his craft. I think that is an admirable observation on it's own, yet I see that your own use of these things might lead some readers to confusion. I would say pay attention to your capitalization at the beginning of your lines and the run on first sentence, which is grammatically incorrect but useful in some forms of prose and poetry. I did enjoy the poem, though. The imagery and the aches you feel for the narrator's futility in his nonification issues is really subtle and rich. This is not easy to accomplish in such a short piece. Nice~

Ornette · 09-06-2007, 04:50 AM

I've got no idea why I capitalized "grip" and "air".

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 09-09-2007, 10:16 PM

I like it. Simple but very poetic. Do you have music for it?

Ornette · 09-10-2007, 02:07 PM

No, it's just a poem.

DontRunMeOver · 09-11-2007, 02:36 AM

Good stuff. I think you can tell it's a poem and not a lyric because of the word "gnarled", which would sound stupid in a song.

09-05-2007, 01:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	Words So Futile I breathe out a verse into the palm of my hand, air curving my gnarled fingers through its wearisome grip, nostalgic for a time and place I can't name; But I can feel its wind getting ready for winter, And can see its wire trees undressing themselves, And I can hear this place laughing when it finds out I'm trying to convey it in a single breath. Last edited by Ornette; 09-06-2007 at 04:51 AM.

09-05-2007, 07:41 PM	#6 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	I saw that you made a comment in one of Cquill's lyrics that his attention to punctuation and the sort would be beneficial for his craft. I think that is an admirable observation on it's own, yet I see that your own use of these things might lead some readers to confusion. I would say pay attention to your capitalization at the beginning of your lines and the run on first sentence, which is grammatically incorrect but useful in some forms of prose and poetry. I did enjoy the poem, though. The imagery and the aches you feel for the narrator's futility in his nonification issues is really subtle and rich. This is not easy to accomplish in such a short piece. Nice~ __________________

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09-05-2007, 02:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	Apt title.

09-05-2007, 04:24 PM	#3 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	I've re-read this several times...it's actually quite good.

09-05-2007, 06:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	Haha, okay. Thank you!

09-06-2007, 04:50 AM	#7 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	I've got no idea why I capitalized "grip" and "air".

09-10-2007, 02:07 PM	#9 (permalink)
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 100	No, it's just a poem.