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-   -   First piece of work, please review (https://www.musicbanter.com/song-writing-lyrics-poetry/26048-first-piece-work-please-review.html)

moonage-t 11-15-2007 06:01 PM

First piece of work, please review
 
Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug.

right-track 11-15-2007 06:23 PM

Borderline pornography and about as subtle as a breezeblock.

moonage-t 11-16-2007 03:20 AM

does that make it good, or bad?

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes 11-23-2007 07:45 PM

If he calls it "borderline pornography" you can bet your powdered butt, he thinks it sucks.

faded.jeans 11-27-2007 08:55 PM

i like it, actually.
it has a sort of broken finality.

TheCaster 11-28-2007 12:52 PM

Uhm yeah... it was more disgusting that anything...

under 11-30-2007 11:37 PM

this makes me want to stop writing

ugh.

tip
just try to fix these few stanzas:

"Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug."

Dizzys in the wolf 12-01-2007 06:55 AM

This reminds me of a kinda warped "Don't you want me baby" lol.

TheCaster 12-04-2007 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by awriterslastresort (Post 418474)
this makes me want to stop writing

ugh.

tip
just try to fix these few stanzas:

"Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug."


Hahahahahaha, PWNED... sorry

smoremusic 12-07-2007 12:16 PM

Interesting poem.. don't know how well it'll translate into song... is that your purpose?


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