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Old 11-15-2007, 06:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default First piece of work, please review

Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug.
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Old 11-15-2007, 06:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Borderline pornography and about as subtle as a breezeblock.
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Old 11-16-2007, 03:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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does that make it good, or bad?
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Old 11-23-2007, 07:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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If he calls it "borderline pornography" you can bet your powdered butt, he thinks it sucks.
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Old 11-27-2007, 08:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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i like it, actually.
it has a sort of broken finality.
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Old 11-28-2007, 12:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Uhm yeah... it was more disgusting that anything...
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Old 11-30-2007, 11:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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this makes me want to stop writing

ugh.

tip
just try to fix these few stanzas:

"Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug."
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Old 12-01-2007, 06:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
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This reminds me of a kinda warped "Don't you want me baby" lol.
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Old 12-04-2007, 08:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by awriterslastresort View Post
this makes me want to stop writing

ugh.

tip
just try to fix these few stanzas:

"Shame you had to waste all your time on me,
oh how I dread to think of all those possibilities
you wasted...
Would you believe I lay awake every night
thinking of how I devoured your time

Not long ago you were a waitress, forlorn,
those perfect eyes refused to look up from the floor
and if it were not for those clothes I bought,
the ones that you cut up and now seductively adorn
Not long ago you were a waitress forlorn
til I took you out and revealed what your body was for
and if it was not for these hands of mine
then love I am sure you'd still be 9 til 5.

Such a shame you had to waste all your time on me...
discovering yourself but denying those possibilities
oh and darling I cry myself to sleep at night knowing that you chose them
envy that I have neither the time, nor the money, nor the girth of all these other men...

Your lips can be put to better use
than around the rim of a porcelain mug...
and your hands can be put to better use
than clasping the handle of a coffee jug."

Hahahahahaha, PWNED... sorry
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Condition grounded but determined to try
Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit
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Old 12-07-2007, 12:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Interesting poem.. don't know how well it'll translate into song... is that your purpose?
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