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Old 11-24-2007, 12:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default what do you think? [new]

I don't know why i always feel sick,
emotionally,
or physically,
i know it's not depression,
i've been through it enough.

Perhaps it's something,
that my mind thinks i'm holding back.
Perhaps i'm keeping something away from myself,
like seperation or bringing something together.

Whatever it may be,
I hope it's found soon,
i want to remain happy,
but to my stomach,
that emotion doesn't happen too much.
im always attempting happiness,
and it's helped.

Along with my happiness,
i have my friends but not my family.


My friends are the ones that keep me going,
and help me find what i am needing.

Just hope I find it soon,
i want to feel cured.

Thanks for the help,
it's appreciated.

Last edited by under; 11-24-2007 at 12:16 AM. Reason: edited
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Old 11-24-2007, 12:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Posts: 18,969
Default

Quote:
I don't know,
why do i always feel sick,
either emotionally,
or physically,
i know it's not depression,
i've been through it enough.
This would sound better if it was "I don't know why I always feel sick." I'd also take out either.

Quote:
Perhaps it's something,
that my mind thinks i'm holding back.
Perhaps i'm keeping something away from myself,
like seperation or bringing something together.
Don't see anything wrong with this.

Quote:
Whatever it may be,
I hope it's found soon,
i want to remain happy,
but to my stomach,
that emotion doesn't happen too much.
Emotionally,
im always attempting happiness,
and it's helped.
I'd just take out emotionally, it doesn't play too big a role and its kind of a singled out word used twice very close together.

Quote:
Along with my happiness,
i have my friends,
minus my family.
I'd change the last line to I have my friends but not my family, it just sounds nicer.
Quote:
My friends are the ones that keep me going,
and help me find what i am needing to find.
Take off to find, needing works just as well and its that whole double word thing again.

Quote:
Just hope I find it soon,
i want to feel rejuvenated,
and cured.
I'd end it just with "I want to feel cured" rejuvenated is kind of a silly word.

It's good aside from the few things I pointed out.
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Old 11-24-2007, 10:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default

this wasn't really one of my best,

thanks for the suggestions. much appreciated
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