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Old 12-06-2007, 10:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Arrow Never Never Ever

Break, break, break, break
down.
Break through the space
Or don't make a sound.
You always knew
you'd never last in this place.

Run, run, run, run
away.
Run if you can
or you'll pay.
Coz I'm sure
that you don't want to stay.

You're never never ever
gonna make it out.
You're never never ever
gonna break out.
You're not gonna see light
You're not that bright.
No never never ever.
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Old 12-06-2007, 10:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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The first verse was good. It went downhill from there. The "run away" repetition didn't work, because it was cliche and uninteresting. The last verse is composed largely of the same line over and over. Also, never, ever say "coz." If you're a serious writer, you won't insult the rest of us with internet grammar and spelling. 7/10 for the first verse, 1/10 for verses 2 and 3.
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Old 12-06-2007, 10:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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what do think> critisizms and good stuff

(_8(!) @@@8)
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Old 12-06-2007, 10:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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lol thnx for the advice.. i agree and i mean that i aint that good a writa... but i say if u get insulted by 'coz' then ya pretty hard on peeps... but yeh its not very pro
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