Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing (lyrics, Queen) - Music Banter Music Banter

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Old 12-11-2007, 08:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing

why do you tell me that you're so alone?
As if I'm not here at all
It's not within my reach to overthrow the queen
because my hands are always tied to your bedpost
every night we breathe into our pillows
and pretend to believe
that all these nightmares are just barricades
protecting our wonderful dreams

but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died
and calling your name
worked even less than it used to.

Last edited by moonage-t; 12-12-2007 at 09:24 AM.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I think this is a great improvement from your last piece you put up here. I love the imagery you've used with the bedpost and all that. I think the last part is weaker than the rest of it, its a good idea but you just need to go about saying it differently.
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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thanks very much for the comments, the last part was something that's been swimming around in my head for a while but I keep struggling to represent it well in the form of lyrics
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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nice job...
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Good imagery, yes, but I don't see a rhyme scheme or a rhythmic pattern. It seems more like free verse than a lyric
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Old 12-12-2007, 10:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died
and calling your name
worked even less than it used to.

Calling your name/With a dead voice/So ineffective/It didn't make a noise or something maybe? I dunno ^^ but it'll come to you eventually.
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These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
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Old 12-12-2007, 10:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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hmm I wanted to keep the last line as I wanted to make it clear that calling the girl's voice had little impact even before the protagonist's voice had died.

Like, the "worked even less than it used to" line
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Old 12-12-2007, 10:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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^_^ you could run it over the top with a nice harmony.
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