Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing (lyrics, Queen)

moonage-t · 12-11-2007, 09:17 PM

why do you tell me that you're so alone?
As if I'm not here at all
It's not within my reach to overthrow the queen
because my hands are always tied to your bedpost
every night we breathe into our pillows
and pretend to believe
that all these nightmares are just barricades
protecting our wonderful dreams

but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died
and calling your name
worked even less than it used to.

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-12-2007, 08:47 AM

I think this is a great improvement from your last piece you put up here. I love the imagery you've used with the bedpost and all that. I think the last part is weaker than the rest of it, its a good idea but you just need to go about saying it differently.

moonage-t · 12-12-2007, 10:22 AM

thanks very much for the comments, the last part was something that's been swimming around in my head for a while but I keep struggling to represent it well in the form of lyrics

~~under~~ · 12-12-2007, 10:38 AM

nice job...

acenoface · 12-12-2007, 10:58 AM

Good imagery, yes, but I don't see a rhyme scheme or a rhythmic pattern. It seems more like free verse than a lyric

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-12-2007, 11:01 AM

but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died
and calling your name
worked even less than it used to.

Calling your name/With a dead voice/So ineffective/It didn't make a noise or something maybe? I dunno ^^ but it'll come to you eventually.

moonage-t · 12-12-2007, 11:15 AM

hmm I wanted to keep the last line as I wanted to make it clear that calling the girl's voice had little impact even before the protagonist's voice had died.

Like, the "worked even less than it used to" line

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-12-2007, 11:50 AM

^_^ you could run it over the top with a nice harmony.

12-11-2007, 09:17 PM	#1 (permalink)
moonage-t Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 14	Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing why do you tell me that you're so alone? As if I'm not here at all It's not within my reach to overthrow the queen because my hands are always tied to your bedpost every night we breathe into our pillows and pretend to believe that all these nightmares are just barricades protecting our wonderful dreams but the worst thing of all was when my voice croaked and died and calling your name worked even less than it used to. Last edited by moonage-t; 12-12-2007 at 10:24 AM.

12-12-2007, 08:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 158	I think this is a great improvement from your last piece you put up here. I love the imagery you've used with the bedpost and all that. I think the last part is weaker than the rest of it, its a good idea but you just need to go about saying it differently. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.

12-12-2007, 10:58 AM	#5 (permalink)
acenoface Groupie Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: East Lansing, MI Posts: 21	Good imagery, yes, but I don't see a rhyme scheme or a rhythmic pattern. It seems more like free verse than a lyric __________________

12-12-2007, 11:01 AM	#6 (permalink)
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 158	but the worst thing of all was when my voice croaked and died and calling your name worked even less than it used to. Calling your name/With a dead voice/So ineffective/It didn't make a noise or something maybe? I dunno ^^ but it'll come to you eventually. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.

12-12-2007, 11:50 AM	#8 (permalink)
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 158	^_^ you could run it over the top with a nice harmony. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.

12-12-2007, 10:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
moonage-t Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 14	thanks very much for the comments, the last part was something that's been swimming around in my head for a while but I keep struggling to represent it well in the form of lyrics

12-12-2007, 10:38 AM	#4 (permalink)
~~under~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,051	nice job...

12-12-2007, 11:15 AM	#7 (permalink)
moonage-t Groupie Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 14	hmm I wanted to keep the last line as I wanted to make it clear that calling the girl's voice had little impact even before the protagonist's voice had died. Like, the "worked even less than it used to" line