Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-11-2007, 08:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 14
Default Tell me that practising has at least slightly improved my writing

why do you tell me that you're so alone?
As if I'm not here at all
It's not within my reach to overthrow the queen
because my hands are always tied to your bedpost
every night we breathe into our pillows
and pretend to believe
that all these nightmares are just barricades
protecting our wonderful dreams

but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died
and calling your name
worked even less than it used to.

Last edited by moonage-t; 12-12-2007 at 09:24 AM.
moonage-t is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 07:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Dizzys in the wolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
Default

I think this is a great improvement from your last piece you put up here. I love the imagery you've used with the bedpost and all that. I think the last part is weaker than the rest of it, its a good idea but you just need to go about saying it differently.
__________________
There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like.
These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
Dizzys in the wolf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 09:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 14
Default

thanks very much for the comments, the last part was something that's been swimming around in my head for a while but I keep struggling to represent it well in the form of lyrics
moonage-t is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 09:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
under's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,056
Default



nice job...
under is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 09:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
Groupie
 
acenoface's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: East Lansing, MI
Posts: 21
Default

Good imagery, yes, but I don't see a rhyme scheme or a rhythmic pattern. It seems more like free verse than a lyric
__________________
acenoface is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 10:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Dizzys in the wolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
Default

but the worst thing of all
was when my voice croaked and died
and calling your name
worked even less than it used to.

Calling your name/With a dead voice/So ineffective/It didn't make a noise or something maybe? I dunno ^^ but it'll come to you eventually.
__________________
There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like.
These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
Dizzys in the wolf is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 10:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 14
Default

hmm I wanted to keep the last line as I wanted to make it clear that calling the girl's voice had little impact even before the protagonist's voice had died.

Like, the "worked even less than it used to" line
moonage-t is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2007, 10:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Dizzys in the wolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ireland
Posts: 158
Default

^_^ you could run it over the top with a nice harmony.
__________________
There’s something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like.
These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
Dizzys in the wolf is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.