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Old 12-07-2007, 03:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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Default First song in a long time

These Walls Have Ears and Fangs and Fears
-------------------------------------------
Before I cared that there was heaven
Before I learned how to feel sorrow
I dreamt of how I would die here tonight, up in arms
Instead Iíll be in yours by tomorrow

To fulfill my purpose Iíd slaughter any dream before the end
But as long as my hope is dead I canít avenge my fallen friends

And nothing can save a wretch like me
No grace, no faith, no sympathy

So build me up, they donít exist
Yet Iíve been haunted for so long
Even if I was at fault in this
Arenít they too dead to still feel wronged?

Now mornings turn to evenings, and evenings melt into dreamscapes
Thereís a lifetime worth of reasons to follow home the paths these feet made

And just then, as I realized that now wasnít my time to die
An epitaph of shooting stars grieved its way across the sky

Now Iíve devoured half my life, and thereís no time to live the rest
If I can make this one thing right, Iíll save you with my last request

ĎCause when this all began that day, amidst the fights our blindness found
I thought of you, now worlds away, and so I laid my weapons down
--------------------------------------------------
haha i have so much to catch up on, i haven't been on in so long
c4c, you know the deal
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Old 12-07-2007, 05:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Not fond of the title. This seems to be about someone whose either been to war, or totally wasted there life. Its quite good, though.

Now mornings turn to evenings, and evenings melt into dreamscapes
There’s a lifetime worth of reasons to follow home the paths these feet made

And just then, as I realized that now wasn’t my time to die
An epitaph of shooting stars grieved its way across the sky
^ That was quite, quite nice.

So build me up, they don’t exist

Instead I’ll be in yours by tomorrow
^ Not fond of these two lines though. They just bug me. Dunno why. 6/10.
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 12-08-2007, 07:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I write a lot of songs about growing up, is that what this is about? Its not a bad song, but sometimes you kinda come to your own conclusions about things without explaining what exactly you're on about to the reader or listener.
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Old 12-08-2007, 02:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It was pretty good. With the right tune, it should pan out nicely. I'd completely kill your title though. Almost didn't read this, due to the title.
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Old 12-10-2007, 11:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Very good! I'm willing to bet you've served in Iraq or Afghanistan.

One technical criticism:

And nothing can save a wretch like me
No grace, no faith, no sympathy

These words don't really rhyme, because words only rhyme if the stressed syllables have the same vowel, and the first syllable of sympathy is stressed.
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for the input, i'll make some adjustments...

Also, I definately haven't served in either Iraq or Afghanistan, i'm 16 and from Canada... soo... i vote pacifism
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Old 12-12-2007, 05:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Can you crit my piece? Glassy Brains And Peregrine Falcons?
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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